Abel Keogh - Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Whos Starting Over

Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationshipwith a Man Whos Starting Over

Abel Keogh

Published by Ben Lomond Press atSmashwords

Copyright 2011 by Abel Keogh
All rights reserved

Cover design by Francine Eden Platt of EdenGraphics, Inc.
Cover design Copyright 2011 by Abel Keogh

No part of this publication may be reproducedor transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic ormechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any informationstorage or retrieval system without permission in writing from theauthor.

This is a self-help book. Opinions expressedare those of the author.

Chapter 11:Married to a Widower

Acknowledgments

About theAuthor

Youve met a man that knocks you off yourfeet. Everything about him is perfect except for one thing: Hes awidower. And that makes you pause. Is he ready to move on and starta new life with me? Has he finished grieving? If the relationshipworks out, will he love me as much as the late wife? These and athousand other questions go through your head. Well, youre inluck.

The purpose of this book isnt to discourageyou from dating a widower. Rather, its to 1) give you insight intothe heart and mind of a widower so you can better understand hisbehavior and 2) help you decide for yourself if the widower youredating is ready to start a new life with you, or whether hes justlooking to fill the hole in his heart.

As a widower who has since remarried, Iveseen too many men (myself included) start dating before theyreemotionally ready to make serious commitments to the women theyclaim to love. Ive also corresponded with hundreds of women whohave fallen in love with men who claimed to be ready to move onbut, in the end, were not. Most of these women could have avoidedheartache if theyd been aware of the red flags.

The good news is that there are many widowersout there who are ready to make room in their heart for anotherperson. As I write this, Ive been married to Julianna for eightyears. I also personally know many other widowers who are happilyremarried. We know how fortunate and blessed we are to have someonewith whom we can spend the rest of our lives.

I hope the widower youre dating is one ofthose men.

Abel Keogh
August 2011

Widowers are men. It doesnt matter how longthey were married, how their wife died, or how long its been sincetheir wife passed on widowers act, think, and grieve like men.There are no widower issues only man issues.

When you think of widowers as men, you canbetter understand the motivations and reasons behind their actionsand decide for yourself whether hes ready to move on and start anew life with you, or simply looking to fill the hole in his heartor for someone to warm his bed at night.

When it comes to men, there are five thingsyou need to know about them that affects their behavior aftertheyve lost a spouse.

1. Widowers Have an Internal Need forRelationships

A few weeks after my late wife, Krista, and Iwere married, we had dinner with her grandmother, a widow. Duringdinner, her grandmother told us that a neighbor and good friend hadrecently passed away after a long illness. After we expressed ourcondolences, her grandmother told us how the womans husband hadstopped by to invite her to the funeral. After she told the man sheplanned on coming, the man had then told Kristas grandmother hedbe calling on her soon.

Krista and I were floored. How could anyoneeven think about dating someone else when their wife wasnt evenburied yet? On the way home from dinner that night, I told Kristathat if she died, Id never remarry. Krista gave my arm a squeezeand told me she felt the same way.

Two years after that conversion, Kristacommitted suicide. In the months following her death, I foundmyself wanting to date again. I felt guilty for having thesefeelings. I thought there was something wrong with me; perhaps Iwas angry at Krista about taking her own life, and as a result, Iwas trying to get even with her. But the desire to date again grewstronger with each passing day. Finally, I gave in to the feelingsand signed up with an online dating site and went on my firstwidower date a few weeks later. Later I met a wonderful woman namedJulianna. We fell in love and were married 15 months after Kristadied. (As I write this, were a month shy of celebrating our eighthanniversary.)

It wasnt until after I remarried and startedresearching how men grieve that I realized my desire to date againso soon after Kristas death was natural. After losing a spouse,most widowers find that the richness and purpose life once held isgone. Their life feels broken, and they want to fix it. The most logical way to do that? Find anotherwoman. And while theres nothing wrong with datingmonths or weeks after a spouse dies, most widowers who start datingagain are still grieving the loss of their spouse. Theyre notemotionally ready to make long-term or serious commitments to thewomen theyre dating.

Unfortunately, this doesnt stop widowersfrom telling the women theyre dating that they love them and areready to start a new life. A lot of women end up falling in lovewith a widower, only to end up with a broken heart after thewidower unexpectedly tells her hes not ready to move on.

2. Widowers Will Stay in Relationships withWomen They Dont Love

Because widowers have a strong desire to bein a relationship, they will get serious with women they dontreally love. Most widowers are just happy to have a woman in theirlife again. Often, their loneliness is so acute that theyll attachthemselves to the first person who shows the slightest interest inthem. Having someone who will hold them and tell them how muchtheyre needed or loved will overcome the nagging feeling in theback of their mind that the relationship isnt right at least fora while.

Sometimes its hard to tell which men areserious about moving on and which are just looking for someone tolessen the ache in their hearts. Both types of widowers will treatyou like a queen, tell you how much they love you, and do otherthings that make you feel like the center of their universe.However, widowers who arent serious about starting over with youcan only fake these relationships for so long. Sooner or later, thedoubts that have been nagging them since they first became seriouswith you will overwhelm their desire for companionship. Once theyreach that point, those widowers who still have a shred ofmanliness in them will tell you the relationship isnt working outand end it.

Soon after I started dating, I became seriouswith a woman Ill call Jennifer. We were friends before I wasmarried to Krista, and after her death, we reconnected. I flirtedwith her, started dating her, and eventually told her I wanted tospend the rest of my life with her. During our relationship, Inever loved Jennifer at least, not in the way you need to lovesomeone to spend the rest of your life with him or her. When wewere together, I couldnt see myself marrying or having a familywith her. Despite these reservations, I didnt want to lose her.Having Jennifer in my life brought a sense of normalcy that hadbeen missing since Krista died. Having someone at my side wasbetter than having no one. Eventually I ended the relationship, butit came at a high price. I lost a good friend, and Jennifer endedup with a broken heart and confused feelings.

If you want to avoid giving your heart to aman whos not ready to move on, my advice is to take things slowly especially in the first few months of the relationship. Its alsoa good way to learn if the widower is looking for a long-termrelationship or looking to fill the hole in his heart. A widowerwho sees a potential long-term, committed relationship with youwill be fine taking things slow. Hell patiently wait for you to beready while finding ways to prove his feelings for you. If hesjust looking for sex, companionship, or a therapist, hell push youto speed things up, threaten to date other people, or quickly loseinterest in the relationship.