Abel Keogh - The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers

The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers

Published by Ben Lomond Press

Copyright 2014 by Abel Keogh

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved

Cover design by Damonza.com
Cover design Copyright 2014 by Abel Keogh

No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from the author.

Opinions expressed in this book are those of the author.

Introduction

M en and women grieve differently. Though both widows and widowers feel the emotional pain and turmoil that comes with losing a spouse, widowers are more likely to date and become involved in a serious relationship soon after their loss. According to one study, within two years of losing a spouse, sixty-one percent of widowers were involved in a serious relationship or had remarried compared to only nineteen percent of widows. Another showed that widowers are eight times more likely to remarry over their lifetime than widows.

Theres nothing wrong with dating soon after a spouses death. However, many widowers start down this road before theyre emotionally ready for a new relationship. Making the transition from losing a spouse to dating and getting into a serious relationship can be awkward and confusing if you dont know how to deal with the conflicting thoughts and feelings that most widowers experience on this journey.

Though there are a lot of dating resources for the widowed, most of them dont specifically address the questions, concerns, needs, and feelings of widowers. The purpose of this book is to give widowers some guidelines and strategies when it comes to dating the second time and opening their heart to someone else. It describes the successful examples and learning experiences of remarried widowers Joe Biden, Thomas Edison, Pierce Brosnan, and Paul McCartney. I also share my own story about dating and falling in love again, and I answer the most common concerns and questions Ive received from other widowers over the last decade. There is also one chapter that addresses why some women may be hesitant or reluctant to date a widower.

When I was widowed, I had emotions and thoughts that were at often at odds with each other. For example, I would find myself attracted to the woman I was dating and then feel like I was cheating on my dead wife when the date was over. More than anything, I wanted a resource or guide that would answer questions that popped up again and again. Though I spent many hours searching online and in bookstores for resources, I never found anything remotely helpful. As a result, I had to figure things out on my own. Most of the time, Iand the women I datedhad to learn the hard way what all these conflicting thoughts, emotions, and feelings actually meant.

It took some time, but I was finally able to figure things out. Fifteen months after my late wifes death, I married a wonderful woman named Julianna. At the time I write this, we have been married for eleven years and have six children. (Yes, theyre all ours.) I hope this book can help you better understand your emotions and avoid many of the problems that I and many other widowers experience when we start dating again. At the very least, I hope it helps you know if dating is something youre ready to do at this time.

Abel Keogh
April 2014

Chapter 1

Starting Over

O n November 7, 1972, a relatively unknown lawyer named Joe Biden pulled off a big political upset. By just over three thousand votes, he defeated the two-term U.S. Senator J. Caleb Boggs. At twenty-nine, Biden became the sixth youngest senator in U.S. history.

Despite his narrow and amazing victory, Biden almost didnt take the oath of office. On December 18, 1972, just five weeks after his huge election victory, Biden headed to Washington D.C. to interview possible staff members. At home in Delaware, his wife, Neilia, took their three children shopping for a Christmas tree. While running their errand, a tractor trailer slammed into the family car, instantly killing Neilia and their one-year-old daughter, Naomi. Bidens four-year-old son, Beau, and three-year-old son, Hunter, were critically injured.

In the weeks following the death of his wife and daughter, Biden was an emotional mess. He described the feeling of losing his wife and daughter as a hollow core that grew inside his chest like a big black hole. Though he never contemplated suicide, he suddenly understood how it seemed like a rational option to those who were in the depths of despair. There were also feelings of anger. Lots of them. Unable to find comfort in his Catholic faith, Biden would walk the streets of Wilmington at night, hoping to get in a fight so he could take his rage and worry out on someone else. Despite these feelings, he tried his best to focus on his surviving boys and putting one foot in front of the other so he wouldnt be swallowed by that dark abyss. His future in the United States Senate, something he had worked so hard for, suddenly didnt seem that important. Speaking to the Democratic National Convention in 2008, Beau recalled his father saying, Delaware can get another senator, but my boys cant get another father.

Biden was faced with a critical choice that would define the rest of his life: resign before taking the oath of office, or do the job the people of Delaware elected him to do. Life as a senator was a busy one. To be successful, it required a lot of energysomething Biden no longer had. Resigning most likely meant returning to practicing law. The latter wasnt a bad option, but it wasnt the one that Biden really wanted. Politics still interested him, even though his passion had been temporarily put on hold.

Eventually, with the urging of other senators and the thought that getting elected was something for which he and Neilia had worked too hard just to give up, Biden agreed to give his Senate career six months, planning to resign once that time passed. In January of 1973, Biden took the oath of office at his sons hospital bedside. Because he still wanted to be there for his sons as they recovered from their injuries, he gave up the home he and his late wife were planning to buy in Washington D.C. and commuted to and from his home in Delawarea practice he continued as long as he served in the Senate.

Life wasnt easy for the young senator. Like most widowers, Biden struggled to make it through one day at a time. Initially, he did the least amount of work required for his job. He cast votes when needed, but avoided building relationships with other senators and didnt work to get certain bills pushed through committee. My future was telescoped into the effort of putting one foot in front of the other, Biden wrote. The horizon faded from my view. Washington, politics, the Senate had no hold on me I could not bear to imagine the scene without Neilia

One of the things Biden did consider, though, was relocating to Vermont. It would be a perfect way to start over. No one would know anything about him, his two sons, or their tragic loss. He and his boys could begin a new life and put the loss of his wife and daughter behind them. Senate staffers started taking bets on how long Biden would last at his job.

But as the months passed, Biden grew tired of grieving. Though he still felt that big black hole inside him, he started taking his job as a senator more seriously and becoming involved in the actual day-to-day work of the Senate. He arranged for his sister, Val, to care for his sons while he commuted to work. His six-month self-imposed deadline arrived without him noticing. For the next two years, Biden did the best he could, dividing his time between Washington D.C. and his home in Delaware.

As he began putting the pieces of his life back together, Biden started thinking about dating again. In March 1975, he noticed a series of ads in an airport with an attractive blonde model. Biden thought it would be nice to meet that woman. Just a few days later, he got that chance. One of his friends gave Biden the phone number of a woman he thought Biden would like. As it turned out, the woman happened to be the same model he had seen in the airport photographs. Her name was Jill Jacobs. Biden was smitten with her on their first date. When Biden went home later that night, it was the happiest hed been in two years. He couldnt keep Jill out of his mind. Jill, however, was less than enthusiastic about getting involved in a serious relationship. She was recently divorced and was finally enjoying being single again. Besides, Biden was ten years older than her, and dating someone involved in politics, especially a senator, was something she had no real interest in.