David Frisbie - Dating after Divorce: Preparing for a New Relationship

Life after divorce is not only about trying to redefine the new normal but also about trying to redefine a new future in light of all the fears and consequences of the past. This book is a compass for anyone trying to navigate the uncharted waters of life after divorce.

Chris Brown, Teaching Pastor
North Coast Church

David and Lisa Frisbie share wise and timely insights for divorced persons who are considering entering into a new marriage relationship. They draw from their two decades of experience ministering to persons who are bravely attempting to survive and thrive after a divorce.

Jerry Porter, General Superintendent
Church of the Nazarene

I highly recommend this new resource for divorced adults!

H. Wayne Hose, Executive Vice President
Believe & Receive New Life Ministries

David and Lisa are among the very few Christian voices that speak practical, biblical truth to people who have lived through the pain and change of divorce. Their words bring hope, help, and healing while addressing the challenges faced by people asking tough questions about remarriage.

Brett Rickey, Senior Pastor
Highland Park Church of the Nazarene, Lakeland, Florida

Copyright 2012
by David and Lisa Frisbie and Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City

2012 eISBN 978-0-8341-2952-8

Printed in the
United States of America

Cover Design: J.R. Caines
Inside Design: Sharon Page

All Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version (NKJV). Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Frisbie, David, 1955

Dating after divorce : preparing for a new relationship / David Frisbie and Lisa Frisbie.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p. ).

ISBN 978-0-8341-2882-8 (pbk.)

1. Divorced peopleReligious life. 2. DivorceReligious aspects

Christianity. 3. Man-woman relationshipsReligious aspects

Christianity. 4. Dating (Social customs)Religious aspects

Christianity. I. Frisbie, Lisa, 1956- II. Title.

CONTENTS

After Divorce

This book is dedicated to my students both past and present. All of you have been a joy to learn with and a blessing to know. All of you have contributed a wealth of wisdom to the growing body of relevant and useful knowledge in family studies and gerontology. Your life experiences, your discernment, your ability to sort out the practical from the merely academiceach one of you brings a lot to the classroom. I enjoy learning with you and from you.

For several decades now, Lisa and I have held the unsolicited title of Americas Remarriage Experts. This label was originally stuck on us by a daily newspaper in the Midwest. At the time we had no idea how adhesive that label would prove to be. Even many years later, when an editor at Group Publishing called to invite us to contribute a chapter on remarriage to an anthology project, we asked him why he called us out of so many available authors and contributors.

His answer? Well, after all, youre the experts!

Its somewhat intimidating to be the experts in any field, but perhaps thats the danger of devoting two decades of our adult lives to studying and learning about the post-divorce family. That landscapedivorced adults, single parents, remarried couples, step-families, blended familiesis where weve done our intellectual hiking and backpacking for more than twenty years now. So yes, we do know the terrain of the world of a divorced adult, remarried or not. Its where we have lived and worked and studied and learned since the late 1980s.

We would argue that an adult who is coping with a divorce, learning how to raise kids alone, considering or entering into remarriage, or struggling to blend a family is the true expert.

People facing these kinds of challenges want to know what works. Will it work for me? So by trial and errorand life brings plenty of bothpractical knowledge advances, and useful wisdom is formed.

This brings us back to where we started: my students. I am thinking of you right now as I write this dedication. I am visualizing our classrooms in the old campus and also in the new campus. I am remembering your projects and presentations and findings. I am recalling the lively discussions we have shared together, especially the case studies.

I am also remembering your graduationswatching and listeningas your children, your parents, your spouses, and your friends cheered and yelled and clapped and whistled and celebrated as you were awarded your degrees. Lisa and I were there; she was dressed beautifully and sitting in the bleachers, and I was robed and hooded and draped and walking with the faculty. Both of us were cheering along with your families and friends.

I was proud of you on that dayand all the days that led up to itproud of you for working hard, balancing competing and conflicting priorities, moving forward steadily despite setbacks and challengespoverty, job losses, and sometimes homelessness.

You didnt quit or give up. You wouldnt settle for less. You studied, learned, did your reading, and did your writing. You gave wonderful presentations of your findings, and you contributed to discussions with counselors and peers and educators.

For those of you who have not yet graduated: your day is coming.

For all of you who have graced my classrooms on the two campuses, even for those of you who suffered when I was pressed into duty to teach religion, this book is dedicated to you with my profound gratitude.

I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.

It is a blessing and a joy to learn with you.

ARE YOU READY FOR A NEW
RELATIONSHIP?

After more than two decades of studying the post-divorce family, we are still learning new things. Our work as family counselors brings us a constant stream of adults who are divorced, plus adults who experienced divorce as children when they were growing up. We are constantly learning about divorce and its effects on family life, emotional development, spiritual formation, and more.

There is much more we still need to learn, but here is what we can tell you with absolute certainty: some of the most mature, wisest, most spiritually advanced people we know have experienced the end of a marriage. They are divorced, and they are also spiritual, mature, wise, and well-balanced.

This is an accurate description of the findings from our work with children, adolescents, university students, adults, and seniors in and out of all types of family environments and family situations.

Some of the most godly, most spiritually mature pastors and leaders we have encountered are divorced, and some of them have since remarried. Some of the most Spirit-filled women weve metand weve met manyhave experienced divorce during their adult lifetimes. Day in and day out, some of the people who most impress us with their emotional stability, spiritual perspective, knowledge of Gods Word, and service to Gods kingdom are people who have been through the pain of a divorce during their adult lives. Divorce happened to them, yet they found a way to move forward to newfound depth and clarity in their personal lives and in their walks with God.

Are we suggesting that in order to grow and become mature, everyone should run out and get divorced? God forbid.

Every divorce is a tragedy. Even when someones life improves as a result of a divorceand candidly this is sometimes the casedivorce is still a tragedy. Divorce means a promise was made but broken. Divorce means a relationship was begun but a commitment was not kept. Divorce brings loss and pain and hardship and difficulty, and its a gift that keeps on giving in those categories.