Jocelyn Elise Crowley - Gray Divorce: What We Lose and Gain from Mid-Life Splits

Gray divorce: blame the doctors for allowing people to live longer; blame the chemists with their little blue pills that allow for sexual rebirth; blame capitalism, which after all is a raging success that allows the privileged few to have serial marriages and divorces and pay for discarded wives, the children they put in boarding school, etc. But there it isits a reality of life and its going to get worse or better depending upon which side of the age barrier you live. Dr. Jocelyn Elise Crowley has done a brilliant job describing the landscape of gray divorces. Celebrity divorces are described: they are, let us say, matureor at least fraying at the edges. She then goes into the statistics and demographics of divorces, and then personalizes it with interviews with everyday people. The bottom line is that these divorces are acceptable, alive, and well in Americaand people who are bothered by them are just going to have to suck it up.

RAOUL FELDER, nationally and internationally recognized divorce and family lawyer, named one of Americas 100 most powerful lawyers by New York Law Journal

Research shows that gray divorces pose a significant health and financial risk for those couples who come apart later in life, as well as their family members. I know firsthand just how painful and devastating it can be. As a relationship expert and modern love doctor, Ive worked with hundreds of couples that have experienced gray divorce. I believe Gray Divorce illuminates, through its stories and information, many of the reasons for this new phenomenon. Its my deepest wish that by understanding gray divorce, we can also create new ways to prevent the harm it can cause and promote healing for those who experience this life crisis.

DR. BRENDA WADE, author, psychologist, five-time national television host, and regular expert guest on The Dr. Oz Show

Dr. Jocelyn Elise Crowley eloquently describes some of the intimate stories and causes behind gray divorce, a relatively new cultural phenomenon. As the author of Your Best Age Is Now, I was fascinated to learn some of the more intricate and in-depth reasons why some mid-lifers are motivated to make this marital choice. Dr. Crowley describes for her readers the more private portrait behind the often two-dimensional statistics described in the news. And in doing so, she provides a more relatable and empathic picture of the reasons behind this complex and difficult decision. Fortunately for us, her book reads more like a page-turning novel than a straight psychological textbook. Dr. Crowleys book is a must-read for anyone interested in the psychodynamics and challenges behind the midlife divorce and the real-life trials it can pose for those who find themselves in this situation.

DR. ROBI LUDWIG, psychotherapist, television commentator, and author of Your Best Age Is Now

Dr. Jocelyn Elise Crowley has written an incredibly insightful and engaging examination of the growing phenomenon of gray divorce. She is at the forefront of observing the trend that everyone will soon be talking about as it impacts more and more families. Gray Divorce excels in making us understand what makes long-term marriages fail, and the book can be reverse-engineered as a guide to making marriages work.

FRANCESCA HOGI, Today Show relationship expert, matchmaker, and love coach

Gray divorce will only become more prevalent in the coming years, and our ability to understandas well as helpthe millions of people going through divorce at older ages depends on insightful social science research like that presented here by Dr. Jocelyn Elise Crowley. She uses compelling individual stories to show how the causes and consequences of gray divorce differ for women and men, and to build a case for personal and social intervention to help individuals and families in this situation. This is a valuable book about a subject of greatand growingsocial importance.

PHILLIP N. COHEN, author of Enduring Bonds: Families and Modern Inequality

We should all be incredibly grateful to Dr. Jocelyn Elise Crowley for her most important book. Gray Divorce is a must-read for everyone over 50 and everyone close to someone over 50, as well as for physicians, therapists, clergy, and others who work with them. Dr. Crowley has done us a great service by showing whats at stake, the losses, the gains, and the changes that come with a gray divorce. Millions are in that before its too late category of wondering if they should end their marriage now or hang in there for the duration. This book will help them feel they have a wise companion to help them through a most confusing and stressful period. My greatest admiration and gratitude go to Dr. Crowley for this book.

MIRA KIRSHENBAUM, Clinical Director of The Chestnut Hill Institute and author of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and I Love You but I Dont Trust You

Gray Divorce

WHAT WE LOSE AND GAIN FROM MID-LIFE SPLITS

Jocelyn Elise Crowley, PhD

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA PRESS

University of California Press, one of the most distinguished university presses in the United States, enriches lives around the world by advancing scholarship in the humanities, social sciences, and natural sciences. Its activities are supported by the UC Press Foundation and by philanthropic contributions from individuals and institutions. For more information, visit www.ucpress.edu.

University of California Press

Oakland, California

2018 by Jocelyn Elise Crowley

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Crowley, Jocelyn Elise, 1970- author.

Title: Gray divorce : what we lose and gain from mid-life splits / Jocelyn Elise Crowley.

Description: Oakland, California : University of California Press, [2018] | Includes bibliographical references and index. |

Identifiers: LCCN 2017025959 (print) | LCCN 2017028947 (ebook) | ISBN 9780520968110 (ebook) | ISBN 9780520295315 (cloth : alk. paper) | ISBN 9780520295322 (pbk : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH : DivorceUnited States. | Older peopleUnited States.

Classification: LCC HQ 834 (ebook) | LCC HQ 834 . C 755 2018 (print) | DDC 306.89dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017025959

Manufactured in the United States of America

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In Loving Memory of Alan

Contents

Acknowledgments

I dread writing book acknowledgments because I know I will miss thanking people who were fundamental to the success of this project. To all of the folks I am now going to miss, thank you.

I am deeply grateful to my eighty interviewees who took time out of their busy lives to tell me their gray divorce stories. These were not always easy to tell, but they opened up to me in extraordinarily giving ways. I hope I have reflected their thoughts, emotions, and perspectives accurately.

In the development stages of the book, the Michael J. and Susan Angelides Public Policy Research Fund at the Edward J. Bloustein School of Planning and Public Policy supported the project financially. Stephanie Holcomb and Jessica Brand provided excellent research assistance, while Marc Weiner, with the assistance of Orin Puniello, devised and executed a recruitment strategy for the project that was seamless. Raymonde Pozzolanos transcription team was fabulous once again in moving the recorded voices of my interviewees onto paper.

At the University of California Press, Naomi Schneider served as an amazing guide through the publication process. I am truly grateful that she was a cheerleader for the book from its inception. The book would not be in its readable form without the incredible efforts of Tamie Parker Song. I thank her for making my voice clearer and my arguments crisper. Thanks go to Robert Demke, PJHeim, and Francisco Reinking for assisting with all aspects of production. I also appreciate all of the help offered by Renee Donovan, Alex Dahne, and Chris Sosa Loomis in packaging this final product at the press. With her excellent partnership with the press, Isabella Michon continues to be the consummate professional in the field of book publicity.