Leslie Hiburn Fabian - My Husbands a Woman Now: A Shared Journey of Transition and Love

My Husbands a Woman Now, by Leslie Hilburn Fabian, LICSW. ISBN 978-1-62137-431-2 (Softcover) 978-1-62137-432-9 (eBook)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013922618.

Published 2014 by Virtualbookworm.com Publishing Inc., P.O. Box 9949, College Station, TX 77842, US. 2014, Leslie Hilburn Fabian, LICSW. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of Leslie Hilburn Fabian, LICSW.

Manufactured in the United States of America.

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To the memory of my parents, Edith Watrous Hilburn and John Presley Hilburn, who demonstrated how to accept being different and inspired me with their extraordinary love story.

To my amazing, magnanimous mother-in-law, Dorothy Crane Fabian, who has learned to accept and go with the flow.

To my beloved Deborah Rae Fabian teaching me more about loving every day, by my side in every way.

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S OME OF MY READERS MAY be seeking a model for traversing genderland paths similar to mine and my spouses. If you are among them, I hope that you will glean strength and inspiration from this story. Ive been urged by several astute friends and writing guides to include a compilation of what this experience has taught me, so Ive added that as Part Four, What This Experience Has Taught Me. Perhaps this will be of help to you in your own quest.

My Dear Fellow Spouses and Partners of Ts:

You may already have reacted to the title of this book. Before you read my story, Id like to address some understandable areas of concern. I hope that I can be of help to you in some way.

What has happened in my life, what I have accepted and now live with, was not anticipated, prior to 2009. Despite twenty years of knowing I was married to a cross-dresser and of happily participating in many transgender adventures, I did not harbor the concern that my husband might someday want to become a woman. Our cross-dressing activities had seemed just that: Intermittent occasions for enjoying the camaraderie of others like us, for the fun of dressing-up, of playing-acting.

When you read this book, you will learn that I relished my male spouses return to me after these events. That I am heterosexual. That I was in love with a man who had an unusual proclivity, which we both believed was as far as it needed to go. No harm in that. However, you will also read of my watching the devastation of my beloved upon resuming his male role. You may have experienced this with your own spouse.

I want to emphasizeas I say in the bookthat my mates anguish at the thought of wounding me, of doing this to me, was probably as great as that of returning to his male self after dressing. Ive explained that as he transitioned, he told me again and again, Ill stop this immediately if it means losing you.

This is certainly not true of all transsexuals. Many reach the point of a complete inability to withstand remaining in their biological bodies. They proceed to transition, regardless of spouses reactions or the havoc and pain they may be causing for others in their lives. Weve all heard or read of this devastating circumstance. There are also those who never speak of their urgency to transition, for fear of the destructive results. They suffer in silence for the sake of maintaining the status quo.

I hope that this book, with its perspective of a spouse whos lived through her husbands transition and remained in the marriage, will provide some hope for others like us. Theres no way to normalize the circumstance; no way to make it easy or more acceptable to others; no way to tell you that your life will be simple throughout and after a transition. You may live in fear that your husband or partner will eventually want to do as mine has done. And I am aware that you may despise me for allowing this in my marriage; for describing how it all came about, possibly providing encouragement to your spouse or partner in pursuing this end.

If so, this may not be the book for you. I strongly believe that each of us will find whatever stories we need to support our positions. However, I assert the following:

1. If youre married to a jerk, transitioning will only provide additional fodder for your anger, judgment, resentment, and pain. By deciding to transition, your spouse may be initiating the necessary process of ending an unsound relationship.

2. If your spouse is not a jerk, he may behave like mine, waiting decades to act on the need to transition. Mine would have chosen our relationship over the compulsion to transition, should I have been unable to deal with it. Mine supported me every step of the way, as I have supported him (now her).

3. While you may grasp the depth of your spouses need and find ways to accept and promote a transition, it may not work for you to remain in the relationship. However, it may be possible for you and your mate to create an end to your marriage with sensitivity, deep caring, and respect for your time together; for your family, your devotion, and your loving through the years.

To you who are willing to consider supporting this life-altering change, yet feel unable to remain in your relationship, please consider these questions:

1. Are you able to perceive the pain that this transsexual need has caused your mate?

2. Can you recognize how deep and intrinsic a part of him the need is? How long its been present in your mates life ?

3. Is your partner caring and concerned about your well-being?

4. Might you devise, perhaps with outside help, ways to support a transition and travel this complicated path with your partner, while also exploring methods of changing or leaving the relationship?

5. Is there a way to remain loving toward one another as you traverse the difficult decisions?

6. Do you have resources to support yourself, such as friends, counselors, support groups, creative pursuits?

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that neither of you is bad or wrong! You are human beings with human strugglesbigger than some, yet smaller than others. It seems to me that, in a human life, there are only degrees and variations of challenge, coupled with degrees and variations of resilience, reaction, and pain. We have choices about everything. This must be crystal clear, even if its in recognizing that everything is on-hold for awhile, that we dont have the answers and may never have them, and that this is painful, almost beyond belief.

I would like to invite you to visit me at my website: www.lesliefab.com. Ive been through it; Ive survived it. In addition to remaining in my marriage, Im a psychotherapist and coach, and I am ready to stand by you in plotting your own course through this perplexing transgender maze.

Blessings to you on your journey,

Leslie Hilburn Fabian

Dear Transgender Men (MTFs),

It is my hope that this book will inspire you to learn from the ways in which my husband handled his transition For months, he made it clear that hed give-up his dream, if I couldnt remain in our marriage. You may feel unable to do this. Id think its rare that a transsexual might forego the processat least once its begunfor the sake of maintaining his marriage. I do not advise aspiring to this.

However, should you be married or partnered with a heterosexual woman and choose to transition, perhaps my experience will shed some light on what your spouse is going through, whether shes chosen to remain with you or not. Please understand that your transition is her transition as well; it alters her life irrevocably. It is not her dream-come-true; not something she was prepared to encounter or cope with in her life. Your becoming a woman makes her someone else, too, particularly if she should remain with you.