Karen L. Rancourt - Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues

Ask Dr. Gramma Karen
Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues

Copyright 2013 Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D.
Published by Family Links Press

Editorial Production: Diane OConnell, Write to Sell Your Book, LLC
Cover/Interior Design: Susan Newman Design, Inc.
Author Photo: Jan Logozzo

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews.

Publishers Note: This book is designed to provide accurate information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher and author are not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the reader should seek the services of a competent professional. This book contains website urls that may eventually no longer be live.

To contact the author, e-mail Karen@mommybites.com.

Printed in the United States of American for Worldwide Distribution
ISBN: 978-0-9896274-0-5

Also by
Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D.

Yeah But, Children Need... (1978)

The Empowered Professional:

How to be Successful in the 1990s (1990)

Empowered Professionals: Making a Difference (1992)

For my grandchildren,
all the kids who call me Gramma Karen,
and children everywhere.
Its all about you.

I remember the exact moment I became interested in the relationships between young parents and their parents, between young parents and their in-laws. I was sitting poolside keeping an eye on my then-three-year-old grandson while chatting with another grandmother who was watching her grandchild. She asked me if I had a place at the beach community on the Jersey Shore where this conversation was taking place.

I explained that my husband and I were living with our daughter, son-in-law, and two grandsons in their vacation home for the summer. As the other grandmother was saying how nice that must be for us, she was cut off mid-sentence by a young woman seated two lounge chairs away, who yelled over to us with undisguised hostility, You couldnt build a house big enough for me to live with my parents or in-laws! Whoa! Where did that come from?

As a result of this young moms negative comment about her relationships with her parents and in-laws, I began researching parent-grandparent relationships to understand better why some are solid, loving, and fulfilling while others are uncomfortable, unpleasant, and sometimes contentious. I used this research for a presentation I called Oh, ______! My Mother/Mother-in-Law is Coming. The responses used to fill in the blank ranged from Fantastic! to... well, use your imagination. My audiences, primarily young moms, and often their moms and their mothers-in-law, were enthusiastic, had a lot to say, and were very interested in what advice I had to offer.

Based on the success of these presentations, I decided to expand my audience by writing an advice column for young parents and grandparents. Although other personal advice columns exist, there did not seem to be one spotlighting the unique issues that impact young parents, grandparents, and grandchildren. On a personal level I was excited about writing this column for several reasons. At my post-60 age (okay, pre-70 age), I am less focused on my career and more interested in spending time with family and friends; running, biking, kayaking with my husband; wave running with my grandsons.

Writing an advice column would allow me to be professionally engaged while drawing on my skills and talents in a fun way, but most important, it would let me help parents and grandparents build and sustain the family relationships theyd like to have, or have and want to maintain. I wont bore you with the details of my background and endeavors except to say I am a wife, mother, grandmother, author, educator, corporate consultant, and career and parenting coachlots of varied and wonderful experience to draw upon.

Obviously I needed a platform to publish my advice column, and so, for two reasons, I decided to approach Mommybites ( www.mommybites.com ), a Manhattan-based, national online community for parenting resources, support, education, tele-classes, webinars, videos, and blogs.

First, Mommybites had announced plans to include a new offering focused on family, and I figured my column would be a timely and relevant addition. Second, since my daughter Heather is a Mommybites co-owner, I thought my idea might be seriously considered. Happily for me, and I trusted for my potential readers, they agreed to my writing a column. (Guilty: shameless nepotism.)

So, Mommybites introduced me to their community in September 2011, and Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: An Advice Column for Young Parents and Grandparents went live. I invited readers to submit to me difficult situations involving parents and grandparents for which they would like my advice. I, in turn, would select situations that I thought would have broad appeal to other parents and grandparents. Much to my delight, my column was well received and has garnered a strong and growing following. Several readers suggested I compile my columns into a book, a suggestion I took to heart.

A word about how I have organized Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues. Each chapter is stand-alone, meaning the chapters are not interdependent and do not have to be read sequentially. However, to make navigating the chapters easier, I have grouped the chapters into five parts.

Part One, Involvement: The Need for Boundaries deals with difficult issues young parents face when they feel the grandparents are too involved in the parenting of their grandchildren. Then there are the young parents who wish the grandparents were more involved in their grandchildrens lives. Grandparents also raise issues about when it is appropriate or inappropriate for them to get involved in the parenting of their grandchildren. The topic of how to set and implement boundaries is essential in this section, with dos and donts for both young moms and grandmothers.

Part Two, Communication: The Need to Get It Right offers perspectives on the full range of potential misstepscommunication that is ineffective, lacking, inaccurate, or difficult. As evident in a couple of the situations, guilt is often a natural byproduct of poor communication.

Part Three, Assumptions and Expectations: Avoiding Disappointment presents situations parents and grandparents face that at first glance may seem to have obvious solutions, but when subjected to further analysis, it becomes apparent that things are not always as they seem. We often discover that much of the underlying stress and contention exists because the people involved have made erroneous assumptions or have set their hearts on certain things happening based on misinformation or misunderstandings.