Sylvie de Toledo - Grandparents as Parents: A Survival Guide for Raising a Second Family

THE GUILFORD PRESS
New York London

Epub Edition ISBN: 9781462509218; Kindle Edition ISBN: 9781462509225

2013 Sylvie de Toledo and Deborah Edler Brown

Published by The Guilford Press

A Division of Guilford Publications, Inc.

72 Spring Street, New York, NY 10012

www.guilford.com

The following copyright holders have generously given permission to reprint from previously published works:

Senior Highlights for quotations from Grandmothers Fill In for Drug-Abusing Parents by Miriam Dobbin. Copyright 1990 by Senior Highlights. Used by permission.

Jessica Hernandez for her poem Gracias to the Relatives of La Llorona, in Grandparents as Parents: Filling the Gap. Copyright 2012 by Jessica Hernandez. Used by permission.

Ethel Dunn for a quotation from Those Wonderful Abuelas in Intergenerational Hookup. Copyright 1993 by Ethel Dunn. Used by permission.

All rights reserved

The information in this volume is not intended as a substitute for consultation with healthcare professionals. Each individuals health concerns should be evaluated by a qualified professional.

No part of this book may be reproduced, translated, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

Last digit is print number: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

De Toledo, Sylvie.

Grandparents as parents: a survival guide for raising a
second family / Sylvie de Toledo and Deborah Edler Brown.
Second edition.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-4625-0919-5 (hardcover : alk. paper)
ISBN 978-1-4625-0915-7 (pbk. : alk. paper)

1. Grandparents as parents. 2. Child rearing.
3. Intergenerational relations. I. Brown, Deborah Edler.
II. Title.

HQ759.9.D423 2013

649'.1dc23

2013003524

To the memory of Nikki de Toledo;
her son, Kevin;
and Andre and Ginette,
the grandparents who raised him

To grandparents everywhere
who are struggling to protect their grandchildren

We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the worldthe company of those who have known suffering. When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and, inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding.

H ELEN K ELLER , We Bereaved (1929)

Contents

Section I
When the Second Shift Arrives

Section II
Through the Red Tape

Section III
Strength in Numbers

Appendix A: Resources for Grandparents
and Relative Caregivers

Appendix B: Conversation Topics
for Grandparent Support Groups

Appendix C: Thank You to the Relatives
of The Crying Woman (English Translation)
by Jessica Hernandez

N

o book of this scope can come to fruition without the support of a whole communityfriends and family, grandparents, volunteers, and many outside experts who patiently offered insight and clarificationand we have been graced with help and heartfelt enthusiasm from some amazing individuals, both in the original book and in this second edition.

Our first thanks, now and always, must go to our families for their boundless support and encouragement. From the beginning of Grandparents as Parents, both the program and the book, Sylvies family members have been case studies, cheerleaders, research assistants, volunteers, and benefactors. Her parents, Andre and Ginette de Toledo, set a world in motion when they opened their home to their suddenly orphaned grandson. Although Ginette is no longer with us, we feel their continuing presence in the organization and this book. The same is true for Sylvies brother and sister-in-law, Philip and Alyce, and her nephew Kevin, who has been so open in sharing his story. We also owe an enormous debt of gratitude to Sylvies husband, Jeffrey Hananel, and to their daughters, Ariella and Amelie. Their support, understanding, and patience allow Sylvie to continue her work with grandparents and relative caregivers in person and through these pages. It is equally hard to overstate the support of Deborahs family in this project. From the first draft, over 20 years ago, to this new edition, they have been a sounding board, an editorial board, and an ongoing pep rally. Her parents, Jack Brown and Ana Edler Brown, offered praise, advice, warm meals, and strong shoulders through the long process of writing the original book, and while Ana, too, is no longer with us, her encouragement and support persist in clear and subtle ways. We are still grateful to Deborahs brother Arthur, who carefully read and helped trim that first overgrown manuscript with insight and precision. Our families were, and remain, our bedrock. We could not have done any of this without them.

We owe much to our wonderful editor, Kitty Moore. In the first edition, she was our guide and our coach, whose enthusiasm and clear understanding focused our vision. Then she became our visionary, as her belief in the ongoing importance of this book led to the second edition you are holding now. We are so grateful to get to work with her twice.

JoBeth McDaniel was our matchmaker for this entire adventure. She introduced us to one another in 1991, and a happy meeting it was. If books have godmothers, JoBeth is ours.

We have been graced with guardian angels as well. We are indebted to attorneys Larry Hanna, Lara Holtzman, Pamela Mohr, Michael Salazar, Yolanda Vera, Peter Wright, Ted Youmans, and their assistants. They have all shared their time, knowledge, and resources to help us anchor this book in practical, accurate information about family law, government aid, and special education. All made time in their overcommitted schedules to read chapters and clarify subtle shifts of meaning. We are equally grateful to Phil Hopkins and Richard Sherer for jumping in as ad hoc editors, proofreaders, and consultants at several critical junctures; to Sheila Milnes for her insight on issues of childrearing; to Dr. Gigi Johnson for her expertise on technology and parenting; to Mary Weaver of Friends Outside for her compassionate insight regarding incarcerated parents; to Jill Rowland and Pamela Darr Wright for their help in unraveling the special education process; and to Eileen Pasztor and Joseph MacKenzie for helping us see the possibilities of peacemaking.

We also found angels and wise guides in such places as the Department of Health and Human Services, the Department of Agriculture, the Social Security Administration, the Child Welfare Information Gateway, the Census Bureau, and other government agencies. In particular, we must thank Julie Antoniou, Hans Billger, Dorothy Clark, Renee Ellis, Rose Kreider, Donna Lockhart, Sharon McKinley, Sandra McLeod, Gregg Porter, Rich Proulx, Susan Ruiz, and Julie Yee. They fielded countless e-mails and phone calls to ensure that valuable information reaches the hands of families in need.

We also wish to thank Jacqueline Battle, Alice Bussiere, Jessica Cail, Leza Davis, Charles Ollinger, Anne Rutherford, Lori Waldinger, Dana Wilson, and Laurie Halderman for their time and insight. And special thanks go out to Josh Kroll of the North American Council on Adoptable Children for staying on the phone until a complex piece of legislation was distilled into three simple sentences.