Family Estrangement
Family estrangement is larger than conflict and more complicated than betrayal. It is entwined in contradictory beliefs, values, behaviours and goals and is the result of at least one member of the family considering reconciliation impossible and/or undesirable. The cessation of familial relations, whether that involves rejection or deciding to leave, can be an inordinately traumatising experience. Whilst data suggests that around 1 in 12 people are estranged from at least one family member this topic is rarely discussed or researched.
Based on the authors in-depth research and exploration of the topic of estrangement, Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective captures the unique lived experiences of both estrangee and estranger. Offering multiple perspectives drawn from academic and popular literature as well as case studies, the book contextualises its chapters within current theoretical understandings of family relationships and estrangement, including Loss and Grief theories, Attachment Theory and Bowen Family Systems Theory. Practice sections provide estranged readers and professionals with a structured approach to exploring the various aspects of estrangement within a family and to help them identify resilience, strengths and strategies which individuals may harness as they attempt to live with estrangement.
Written with the aim to provide guidance in understanding estrangement in context, this book is suitable for estranged family members and all professionals who encounter and work with people affected by estrangement, including social workers, counsellors, psychologists, allied health professionals, doctors, nurses and legal professions.
Kylie Agllias is a social work researcher, educator and Honorary Conjoint Lecturer at the University of Newcastle, Australia. She is particularly interested in qualitative research that investigates sensitive issues and highlights the lived experience of vulnerable populations.
First published 2017
by Routledge
2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN
and by Routledge
711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
2017 K. Agllias
The right of Kylie Agllias to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe.
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Names: Agllias, Kylie, author.
Title: Family estrangement : a matter of perspective / Kylie Agllias.
Description: Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon ; New York, NY : Routledge, 2016. | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016003139| ISBN 9781472458582 (hbk) |
ISBN 9781472458612 (pbk) | ISBN 9781315581910 (ebk)
Subjects: LCSH: Families--Psychological aspects. | Interpersonal conflict. |
Alienation (Social psychology)
Classification: LCC HQ697 .A35 2016 | DDC 302.5/44dc23
LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016003139
ISBN: 978-1-4724-5858-2 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-1-4724-5861-2 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-1-315-58191-0 (ebk)
Typeset in Sabon and Humanist 777
by Florence Production Ltd, Stoodleigh, Devon, UK
Contents
I would like to acknowledge the research participants who faithfully and generously contributed their time, knowledge and experience to broadening social understandings about family estrangement. Without their courage, this book would not be possible. I would also like to acknowledge and thank my thoughtful and insightful critical readers: Jill Gibbons, Karen Barrett, Kara Agllias, Leigh Williams and Patricia Williams. I would like to thank Anne Patricia, for her never-ending enthusiasm and confidence in this project. I would like to thank Kara, Paige, Tyson, Nic, David and Xav for the energy and inspiration they bring to my life. Finally, I would like to acknowledge Jim for his encouragement and the space to write this book, as well as the critical conversations and personal insights along the way. Thank you for your enduring love.
Kylie Agllias (BSW, PhD) is a social work researcher and educator. Employed as a social work lecturer at the University of Newcastle (NSW, Australia) from 2004 until 2014, she currently occupies a conjoint lecturer position at the same institution. Kylies interest in family estrangement was formalised through her doctoral research (20072011), and further developed through two associated studies in 2012 and 2013. She has published widely in the area of family estrangement with a book chapter, encyclopedia entry, blogs for Psychology Today, and a number of articles in journals such as Affilia , Australian Social Work , Families in Society and Qualitative Health Research . She has been disseminating information about family estrangement through professional workshops, presentations to interest groups, public lectures and media interviews since 2007. Kylie is particularly interested in qualitative research that investigates sensitive issues and highlights the lived experience of vulnerable populations. She is the author of a number of book chapters and articles in areas such as: feminism and womens issues (including poverty, criminal justice, drugs and alcohol); social work pedagogy and the undergraduate experience; social work in Australasia; unemployment; refugee families; and research methodology.
Chapter 1
Breaking the silence
Just that moment its like aha, the penny dropped. Up to that point Id been making decisions that took me further and further away from the family. Decision by decision by decision we just got further and further away.
(Brenda)
Being rejected by family, or deciding to leave, can be one of the most traumatic experiences in a persons life. While many people experience estrangement from family members, this is rarely discussed in the social and policy context or prioritised in family research. Stories of estrangement are increasingly reported in the media, particularly when the estrangement story has a tragic, celebrity or newsworthy element. In the domestic sphere, estrangement self-help groups and forums are rapidly forming online to meet a demand for support that seems unaddressed by human services. However, these sources are not often positioned to represent the multiple perspectives inherent in estrangement. Instead, adult children are maligned for estranging an older parent, or parents shamed for casting out a child, and other relationship types, such as sibling to sibling, are usually overlooked altogether. A balanced perspective about the causes and experiences of estrangement is hard to find. In fact, some people who have joined estrangement forums have reported being vilified for offering a different perspective, as if being estranged again by the people purporting to support them.