Julie Plagens - Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart

This book is dedicated to my husband, Andy. Thank you for loving me through the hard times.

Special thanks to Dr. Deborah Newman who helped me find the words when I didn't know what to say.

A bout a year ago, I dropped my last child off at college. It was a bittersweet moment. I was glad to release her into adulthood, but I was also sad because I was technically out of a job. I no longer had anyone at home who needed a full-time mom. On the long drive home, I asked God what He wanted me to do now that I was an empty-nester. Unlike some of my prayers that had taken years to be answered, this one God answered immediately.

His Spirit quietly spoke to me while we were driving. He said to tell other moms about Him. It wasnt a big, loud voice. It was a sudden knowing. Specifically, He said to tell them how to raise godly children. He reminded me that I struggled with parenting not so long ago as a young mom and could have used some encouragement when I was down in the trenches. After that revelation in the car, I knew I needed to go back and tell others what I had learned as a parent and about my own struggles with my family of origin. I figured if God was in it, someone would listen. Surely there was somebody who had struggled through some of the same issues I had.

Its been just over a year now. In this time, I have written two books. I also manage my website and maintain all the social media accounts connected to my blog. My mission has been to provide a place online where other moms can find parenting and family advice with biblical wisdom. I also hope to offer encouragement and validation related to struggles with families of origin. All I can say is that God did it. Not me. I had no technical skills when I started, and it had been 25 years since I had written anything worth reading.

If you would like to check out the other things I have written, here is the link to my book Creating Family Memories: How to Make Family Time with a Crazy Schedule. You can also check out my blog at www.momremade.com . I have a Facebook group for parents of pre-school age kids or older called Christian Parenting and Family at https://www.facebook.com/groups/628239597606364/ .

Introduction

Y ou may wonder why I would write a book about such a messy subject. No one in her right mind would want to bring up past hurts and talk about them publicly. It could cause another family split. I agree. It is risky, but my family has been very supportive along the way. They have sent me information to include in my book and have proofed it several times to help guide me in the right spirit.

In fact, the afterword is written by my mother. I wanted others to hear her perspective. It is important that both sides of this topic are addressed. I am grateful my mom has taken the time to give her thoughts on our estrangement.

I decided to write this book because I found very little written on the subject of family estrangement, specifically from a Christian perspective. When I left my family, I found no books in the bookstore close to my situation and very little online that talked about Christian families being estranged. Yet, here I was, a Christian, reeling from the pain, and no one could answer my questions. The books I did find about estrangement were from psychologists who retold stories about their patients, angry women who were never going back, and others with stories but no biblical viewpoint. None of their stories were like mine.

I was looking for a person who had been estranged from family and who had worked through the situation with complete forgiveness. I needed to hear a Christian talk about this subject. I am not only a Christian, but I also come from a family in ministry. I am a preachers kid. Perhaps God could use my story to pull the curtain back and reveal the truth. The truth is we are all sons of Adam and subject to the Fall. There are no perfect families, mine included.

I do not want to portray my family in a bad light. My intention is for you to see God glorified in a messy situation. He alone is the Author and Hero of this story. He is to be praised for all the healing that has happened between my family and me. God is the only one who can soften hardened hearts and bring life back into dead relationships. He can do the same for you that He has done for us. Our Heavenly Father is no respecter of persons.

This book lists actionable steps to help you move toward healing and restoration, whether you are the parent or the child. These steps will help you work toward forgiveness and change the way you feel about your family members even if there is never complete restoration. The steps are not easy, but they work. No matter where you are in the process, whether it is a strain in the family or a complete family break, you can move to a better place than where you are right now.

I would like to add that although you may be going through a difficult family situation and are physically and emotionally sick, you should recognize that good medical advice should be sought. This book is not intended and should not be construed as a substitute for medical care.

I pray my words will give you hope for your own situation and help you know you are not alone. There are a lot of other people just like you who have family issues. They just dont talk about it. I want my story to help you see there is a way out of your pain. God can use your brokenness for His glory if you will let Him.

Chapter 1 Sick of It All

I woke up from anesthesia and heard the words, You have Crohns disease. The nurse went on: You are probably going to lose your colon and will have a bag for an intestine for the rest of your life. The doctor is going to have to take out the lower portion of your colon. It is diseased and looks like hamburger meat.

That was not exactly what I was hoping for when I woke up, but I wasnt surprised. Actually, I was grateful the doctor didnt find cancer. I was sure that was what was wrong with me. But removing my colon didnt sound much better. I didnt want to have a bag attached to my side for the rest of my life. The combination of the smell, the noises, and the utter shame was more than I could handle. I would never want to go in public again. And what about my marriage? That was even more frightening. I knew my husband would love me, but I would be embarrassed to be intimate with that kind of alteration to my body.