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Matt Bernstein Sycamore - Dangerous Families: Queer Writing on Surviving

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Queer survivors piece together the clues to discover their own lives!
Dangerous Families: Queer Writing on Surviving goes beyond the recovery narrative to create a new queer literature of investigation, exploration, and transformation. Twenty-six stories illuminate the reality of growing up in fear, struggling to rebuild lives damaged by sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse. The book explores how abuse turns queer survivorsmale, female, and transgenderedinto healers, heartbreakers, and homicidal maniacs, presenting brilliant stories that sear and soar.
Dangerous Families: Queer Writing on Surviving addresses all forms of abuse head-on, representing a cross-section of queer survivors in terms of race, class, ethnicity, education, origin, sexuality, and gender. Contributors use their own life experiences to create a book that takes back control from well-meaning outsiders, as they recount the daily struggle to overcome the damage done to their minds, bodies, and spirits in a world that denies their gender, sexual, and social identities.
From the editor: Dangerous Families consists entirely of writing by survivors of childhood abuse. Thats rightno therapists analyzing our plight, no talk-show hosts exploiting usjust survivors, exploring our complicated, frightening, and fulfilling lives. These stories dispense with the usual technique of carefully massaging the readers fragile worldview before plunging this unsuspecting innocent into a world of horror. They go right to the horror, the beauty, and the joy, often throwing the reader off-guard, revealing layers of meaning before the reader can step back.
Dangerous Families: Queer Writing on Surviving is an anthology of 26 true stories of growing up queer in families that magnify the horrors of the outside world instead of offering protection. The book is an essential read for therapists, caseworkers, cultural studies specialists, and anyone struggling to survive childhood abuse.

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Dangerous Families Queer Writing on Surviving THE HAWORTH PRESS Titles of - photo 1
Dangerous Families
Queer Writing on Surviving
THE HAWORTH PRESS
Titles of Related Interest
Growing up Gay in the South: Race, Gender, and Journeys of the Spirit by James T. Sears
Growth and Intimacy for Gay Men: A Workbook by Christopher J. Alexander
Family Secrets: Gay SonsA Mothers Story by Jean M. Baker
Acts of Disclosure: The Coming-Out Process of Contemporary Gay Men by Marc E. Vargo
Queer Kids: The Challenges and Promise for Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Youth by Robert E. Owens Jr.
School Experiences of Gay and Lesbian Youth: The Invisible Minority edited by Mary B. Harris
In Your Face: Stories from the Lives of Queer Youth by Mary L. Gray
Homosexual Rites of Passage: A Road to Visibility and Validation by Marie Mohler
The Mentor: A Memoir of Friendship and Gay Identity by Jay Quinn
Out of the Twilight: Fathers of Gay Men Speak by Andrew R. Gottlieb
Being Gay and Lesbian in a Catholic High School: Beyond the Uniform by Michael J. S. Maher
How Homophobia Hurts Children: Nurturing Diversity at Home, at School, and in the Community by Jean M. Baker
Sons Talk About Their Gay Fathers: Life Curves by Andrew R. Gottlieb
Beyond the Wind a novel by Rob N. Hood
How it Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages by Judith E. Snow
Dangerous Families
Queer Writing on Surviving
Mattilda, a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore Editor
Dangerous Families Queer Writing on Surviving - image 2
First published by
The Haworth Press, Inc.
10 Alice Street
Binghamton, N Y 13904-1580
This edition published 2011 by Routledge
RoutledgeRoutledge
Taylor & Francis GroupTaylor & Francis Group
711 Third Avenue2 Park Square, Milton Park
New York, NY 10017Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN
2004 Matt Bernstein Sycamore. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, microfilm, and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Printed in the United States of America.
Cover design by Marylouise E. Doyle.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Dangerous families: queer writing on surviving / Matt Bernstein Sycamore, editor.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-56023-421-0 (hard : alk. paper) ISBN 1-56023-422-9 (soft : alk. paper)
1. Adult child abuse victimsBiography. 2. GaysFamily relationshipsBiography. 3. Adult children of dysfunctional familiesBiography. 4. Adult child abuse victimsPsychology. 5. Sexual abuse victimsPsychology. I. Sycamore, Matt Bernstein.
HV6626.5.D365 2004
306.7662dc21
2003006744
For JoAnne (19741995)
CONTENTS
Mattilda, a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore
leah lakshmi piepzna-samarasinha
Mary Galvin
John Gilgun
Jenie Pak
Jim Van Buskirk
Isadora Stern
Daphne Gottlieb
Daphne Gottlieb
Daphne Gottlieb
Kelli S. Dunham
Mikey Halliday
Kate Huh
Rob Stephenson
Ahimsa Timoteo Bodhrn
Veronica Monet
Betsy Andrews
Adoh Fateel
Carol Glaser
Leona Mae Page
Eli Clare
Eli Clare
Charna Cassell
a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore Mattilda
Siobhan Brooks
Ian Philips
Olivia Wolf
Sunsong K. Firedancer
Jessy Luanni Wolf
Douglas A. Martin
Acknowledgments
Thanks to everyone who helped along the way, especially Gina Carducci and Steve Zeeland. Thanks to Ahimsa, Charna, and Daphne for doing the panel at the Lambda Literary Festival, and to Ahimsa for recruiting contributors at the last minute. To Kara and Jane for encouragement in bleak New York, and to Kirk for writerly companionship on the West Coast.
To my chosen family/families over the years (in approximate order of appearance): Lauren, Keidy, Ellen, Erik, Laurie, Eve, Camelia, Rue, zee, Rebecca, JoAnne, Chrissie, Andee, Gabby, Eric V.S., Magdalena, Steve, Ananda, Scott, Stephen Kent, PJ, Erica, Jess, Rhani, Oakie, Reginald, Jason, Ralowe, Tony, Eric S.
For survivors everywhere, and for those who do not survive.
Dangerous Families:
An Introduction
Mattilda, a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore
Its as if theres an extra dimension, everything is moving diagonally upwards and back. Not just a physical dimension but an emotional dimension of terror. If I shut my eyes, I see a cylindrical blue metal tunnel to fall into and get out of the house but its floating, shifting angles. I see layers of fluorescent dots in chains: blue, lavender, green. Remembering when I was younger and I couldnt sleep because of the same dots, thought it had to do with the way I shut my eyes too tightly. Now everything in the room is flickering and shaking, no stillness except for my body. I used to think the dots related to atoms, that somehow I could see the structure of things. Id wake up screaming, faces in the blankets, eyes on my walls and the same terror like something horrible was going to happen and I couldnt stop it, I was paralyzed. Afraid of the dark, I had to keep my entire body covered, even my head, run for the light switch in terror if I needed to get up at night. I realize this is my childhood, completely blocked out. Is it something to do with my father, his naked body?
This is an excerpt from my journal, dated September 1993, at the beginning of a period in my life when I lived in a constant state of wanting to scream or tear myself apart. Relaxation was incomprehensible: with so much tension in my body, I could barely attempt to breathe deeply enough. Id look around me on the bus, and I couldnt figure out where I was, what all these people were doing, how they were going on with their lives. How I was going on with my life.
This was the period in my life when my father followed me down the street at night, hid behind the curtains with an ax, under the bed and how could I sleep with my father under the bed? His eyes as enormous as horses eyes, peering in through the windows or staring at me from inside the walls, watching me from the ceiling. That look in his eyes: you are my prey.
While writing this, I can sense my father in the room, that extra dimension though right now its more a dimension of feeling than terror. I know he isnt behind me, that I dont need to look, but the fear starts to build and I need to check. I turn around: theres the floor, the sofa, a wall with a poster on it and all that air that surrounds everything.
Those of us who grow up in dangerous families spend the rest of our lives figuring out what happened, piecing together the clues. Piecing together our selves. In the past twenty-five years, a sizable body of literature has developed to address the needs of those of us who survive (we must not forget those who do not). Self-help books, as well as novels and memoirs with childhood abuse as a central theme, continually show up on best-seller lists. Health care professionals, talk-show hosts, and religious leaders have made the recovery narrative into an established, profitable genre.
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