Lina Gimble - Brownies That Can Stop Time [Baking comedy]

I am not a chocolate person. I dont lust after bars of chocolate the way some do, especially crappy, mass-produced milk chocolate bars. I do like chocolate in things though. For my money, brownies are the best way to have chocolate without, you know, actually eating chocolate. You might think there is bound to be something wrong with a brownie recipe created by a person who doesnt care for naked chocolate. You might even be so foolish as to think a Brownie That Can Stop Time (BTCST) will be bereft of chocolate, doomed to be dry, sugary and tasteless. Oh silly reader! Everyone knows that if you want something dry, sugary and bereft of chocolate flavor we are discussing fudge. It may sooth you to know that I consider fudge to be damn disgusting and only suitable for revenge scenarios. I have come to realize others are bemused by my fudge as revenge stance, so I offer the following elaboration in

The Brownie question has two other non-revenge issues worth discussing:

1. People tend to clog up their brownies with things other than chocolate. I find few of these additions worthwhile. No sense in slaving over brownies and then adding stupid things like walnuts to distract you from the gooey gorgeousness. Although I can see adding 1/2 Cup or so or walnuts to a batch of BREAK-UP BROWNIES, surely the most sly of all clues.

Those who claim to prefer cakey brownies. Since they like dry things, I see no problem with banishing them to somewhere remote and chalky, like Texas, Nevada, or certain areas of Southern England. They should be allowed to form their own government, of course. What we dont need though, is them hanging around, distracting us with their inability to decide whether they want a piece of cake or a brownie. Well mail them sacks of walnuts at Christmas just to show weve no hard feelings. Or fudge if theyd rather.

Brownies That Can Stop Time have a shiny, crackly surface, are chewy on the bottom, crisp on the top, deeply chocolatey and almost creamy on the inside. They are powerful Mojo. Take one bite and you will swear time has stopped, or at least is moving more slowly. (I am aware of my error regarding Einstein, relativity, and time stoppage. But brownies so good they s l o w time, isnt very catchy, is it?) This is the brownie to make for people you like, or dare I say, want to impress.

Yet for all they will give you and they will give you much they are foolishly easy to make. One pot, a bit of stirring, pour into your prepared pan, and bake. After youve made them once or twice youll be able to make them in your sleep, although I wouldnt. In my experience that is how you wind up with nuts in your brownies.

Tip: if youre feeling a bit droopy, have a cup of coffee first and then begin.

These go together quickly. (Turns out it doesnt take much time to stop time! OK. S l o w time.) Prepare your pan and preheat the oven. Let the chocolate, butter, and sugar melt while you measure out the rest of the ingredients.

An Aside

It has come to my attention that some people do not think a chewy brownie can stop time. Rather than assume they are out of their minds, I prefer to think that maybe we all stop time in different ways. With the latter more comforting possibility in mind, I offer you this second option. A brownie that is less chewy, more creamy, and with a non-revenge type fudgy interior. Theyre good, but just dont quite s l o w time for me. Who knows? Maybe they will for you.

See

For a non-trancendent brownie-like experience, consider the following cakey version:

An 8 inch (20 cm) square pan. Brownies That Can Stop Time bake to be about 1/2 inch (13 mm) high. A 9 inch (23 cm) square pan will be too large. (An 8 inch square pan= 64 square inches, vs. a 9 inch square pan= 81 square inches.) If you dont have an 8 inch square pan, use a 9 inch round cake pan which is about 64 square inches, or the same capacity as the 8 inch square pan.

If you only have a 9 inch square pan, wad it with tinfoil to approximate an 8 inch square pan. You can also get a thicker brownie by baking these in an 8 inch round cake pan, which is about 50 square inches. They might need a few minutes longer in the oven.

PECANS, if chopped small, will help you out if you are stuck with a 9 inch square pan and no tinfoil. But like Momma used to say, "Dont go expectin' miracles from nuts."

Cooking spray with added flour, or shortening and a tablespoon of flour to grease and flour the pan.

Parchment paper or tin foil to line the pan. If you line with tin foil, butter and flour that as well.

A heavy saute pan, 3 qt. pot, or a medium sized metal bowl set above, but not in a pot of boiling water, aka a double boiler. If you are brave, you could also try making the whole shebang in a 4 cup pyrex measuring cup in the microwave. You might sacrifice some of the chewy texture.

A small cookie sheet to toast your PECANS if you are hell bent on nuts.

Oven at 325 degrees F (163C).

2 large eggs

8 tablespoons butter (one stick, 1/2 cup, 120 grams)

3 oz (84 grams) excellent quality, unsweetened baking chocolate, bar type rough chopped.

1 cup white sugar (100 grams)

1/4 cup all-purpose flour (30 grams)

1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder. (Dutch process if you've got it)

For true time stoppage, youll want to try a cocoa powdered labeled brute, or black. Dark voodoo I call it. You will too.

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon instant coffee granules

Oh Heavens, if you must! 3/4 to 1 cup PECANS.

If the PECANS are soft, lightly toast them in the oven as it preheats, 8-10 minutes. Dont let them color. You're just reminding them they have a backbone. Rough chop them after they cool a bit.

Preheat the oven to 325 (163 C).

Prepare an 8 inch (20cm) pan by spraying with cooking spray and lining it with a sheet of parchment paper or tin foil. If you are using the tin foil, butter and flour the foil. Cut the paper long enough so it extends up the sides and provides you with an over hang of about 1 1/2 inches (4 cm). This helps you lift the brownies out of the pan so you can cut them into 2 inch (5 cm) squares like a decent human being. Without the parchment lining and its attendant ease of portioning, you might be tempted to just scoop em out of the pan and straight into your mouth. This can work against you. See for more information.

In a heavy, medium sauce pan or a 3 quart pot, melt the butter, unsweetened bar chocolate and about 1/2 the sugar over low heat. If you dont have good a low heat source, or lack a heavy pan, you will need to melt the butter and chocolate in a metal bowl placed over, but not in, simmering water (aka double boiler) or risk the microwave on low power.

In a small bowl, (a cereal bowl works nicely) whisk together 1/4 C flour, salt, and 1T unsweetened cocoa powder.

(Remember the PECANS in the oven! Chop them while the butter and chocolate melt.)

When the butter and chocolate are liquid and the sugar has melted a bit, add the remaining sugar to the pot. Keep stirring over low heat until the sugar is incorporated. Remove from the heat and continue to stir for another minute or two while the heat from the pot continues to melt the sugar.