Daniel Kibblesmith - How to Win at Everything: Even Things You Cant or Shouldnt Try to Win At

The authors wish to dedicate this
book to the most inspirational
winners they knowthemselves.

Text copyright 2013 by Daniel Kibblesmith and Sam Weiner.
Illustrations copyright 2013 by Chronicle Books LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

ISBN 978-1-4521-2968-6

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Kibblesmith, Daniel, 1983
How to win at everything : even things you cant or shouldnt try to win at
/ Daniel Kibblesmith and Sam Weiner.
page cm
ISBN 978-1-4521-1331-9
1. SuccessHumor. I. Weiner, Sam, 1984 II. Title.

PN6231.S83K53 2013

818'.5402dc23

2013008425

Book design by Tracy Sunrize Johnson
Cover design by Neil Egan and Tracy Sunrize Johnson
Illustrations by Jim Tierney

Chronicle Books LLC
680 Second Street
San Francisco, California 94107

www.chroniclebooks.com

You hold in your hands a life-altering self-improvement manual guaranteed to turn you into the best person youve ever met. That is, until you meet usauthors Daniel Kibblesmith and Sam Weinergeniuses of victory, gold-medal winners in the sport of life, and the writers of the most important book ever written.

Right now, youre a loser. Go ahead and look up loser in the dictionaryyou wont find a picture of yourself, because theyd never print your picture in a book as important as the dictionary. But we can help.

Although youll find it hard to believe, we were once losers ourselves. But by breaking free of the shackles of failure and slapping on the handcuffs of ambition, weve since amassed fortunes, traveled to ports exotic and cosmopolitan, and are the subjects of over 250 tattoos.

By tirelessly training in every human endeavor, we discovered the methods, techniques, and secrets to not only succeed at everything, but to win at everythingeven at things you didnt realize you could win. For the first time, were imparting our cumulative wisdom to you, the reader, to procure the success you may not deserve, but can now attain nonetheless.

Every line of this volume is worth the knowledge contained in ten encyclopedias, five almanacs, and seventeen Declarations of Independence. This practical, easy-to-digest reference book will transform you from child to adult, from scholar to genius, from rags to richesand back. And then back one more time.

How to Win at Everything is an unrivaled reference manual spanning the breadth of all possible topics:

• Winning a fistfight? Check.
• Juggling work and family? Covered.
• Representing yourself in court? Yes.
• Learning the date of your own death? Its in here.
• Finding true love? We show you how.

Is this the longest book ever written? Probably. The authors do not claim to have read every other book. But we do claim that this is the last book youll ever need, and it is therefore safe to become illiterate upon its completion.

The first step towards success? Turning the page.

The second step? If you havent turned the page yet, youre clearly not ready.

The Authors

Winners rise above the people around themliterallydue to a lifestyle that calls for constantly riding in airplanes. Overcome airport obstacles and inspire jealousy in the jet set with these secrets to flying high:

SAIL THROUGH SECURITY

Hand the agent your ID, boarding pass, and a sincere thank-you note. Then breeze through the metal detectors by having on your person only paper money, wooden keys, and wicker underwear.

SCORE AN UPGRADE

First class is for suckers who dont know about the secret firster class, replete with adorable puppies you can pet during takeoff and free blankets as soft as puppy fur during landing. Join this elite fraternity by slipping the gate attendant a blank check folded into a paper airplane.

SETTLE IN

Dont bother reviewing the safety pamphlet (its entirely theoretical, since no modern plane has ever crashed). Instead, go straight to the SkyMall catalog, call the number on the front, and order one of everything, plus a home subscription.

NEVER MISS A FLIGHT

Be sure to always arrive at the airport at least three hours early, so you have time to get your ticket, pass through security, and then purchase and read another copy of this book for two hours and forty-five minutes.

QUIET ANY AND ALL SCREAMING BABIES ON THE PLANE

Impress fellow passengers and the crew by borrowing the onboard intercom to sing a soothing love song, but replace the word baby (sexual) with baby (literal).

DINE IN STYLE

Dont be satisfied with a paltry bag of stale pretzelsask politely to receive a second bag of stale pretzels.

LAND SMOOTHLY

Get an exclusive tour of the cockpit by claiming to be nine years oldthen subtly nudge the controls so that the plane lands right in front of your house.

COST-CUTTING MEASURES HAVE ROBBED AIR TRAVEL OF ITS FORMER GLAMOUR, BUT YOU CAN PUT THE CLASS BACK IN FIRST CLASS BY FLYING IN STYLE:

DRESS YOUR BEST

Wear your finest tuxedo over your secondfinest tuxedo or, for ladies, sexy workout clothes over an evening gown.

ENJOY A GOURMET MEAL

If theres a McDonalds in the airport, you can take it on the plane with you!

FLY LIKE A MOVIE STAR

Attract attention by shouting, My last movie was a bomb, but theyre still showing it on this very plane!

While its impossible that youve made any mistakes since acquiring this book, your life prior to owning this book was, by definition, one long mistake. Atone for this and other misdeeds committed by your old self by following these five steps:

STEP 1. ADMIT YOUR MISTAKE: This is the hardest part. Look yourself in the mirror, and after youre done complimenting your own appearance, write I was wrong, on a scrap of paper that you quickly swallow.

STEP 2. EXPRESS REGRET: Track down the person youve wronged, burst into their home or place of business, grab them by the lapels, and shout, This is an apology! into their eyes as loudly as you can.

STEP 3. DEMAND FORGIVENESS: Present your target with a binding contract absolving you of all legal, moral, and karmic responsibility for your past and future transgressions.

How to Accept an Apology