Carl Alasko Ph.D. - Say This, Not That: A Foolproof Guide to Effective Interpersonal Communication

W ell, what should I say? he asks.

Its useless trying to talk to him, she complains.

If I try to say anything, we end up in a fight! he grumbles.

Saying the right words is not easy. Sometimes it seems impossible. Thats why I wrote this guide to straight talkto help you say the right words in the right way at the right time.

Just as important, this guide can help you stop saying the wrong wordsones that make things worse.

T wenty-five years of working as a psychotherapist with individuals and couples who struggle to communicate their feelings and ideas have taught me that people need direct guidance about how to choose the right words.

During my earlier years as a therapist, I had been taught to practice clinical objectivity. My task was to remain neutral as patients sought to gain insights into their motives.

Some twenty years ago, for instance, when a couple like Kathy and Robb would arrive for their therapy session in a visibly agitated state and Kathys first words would be an angry, Robb, why did you forget to call me? Cant you remember anything? I would have asked her a clinically neutral question such as, Kathy, how do you imagine Robb feels when you say that?

Since then, Ive learned that actually, in that moment, Kathy doesnt give a hoot about how Robb feels. Shes frustrated and angry, her pulse rate is elevated, her blood vessels have constricted, shes ready for a fight and has no desire for resolution.

Shes after emotional blood.

So these days, in similar situations, I jump right into the middle and say firmly: Kathy, dont say that to Robb. All youll do is get him angry, and then hell just want to get even.

Confronted with this directly, Kathy will usually ask, Well, what should I say when he... ?

I tell her to say this: Im upset that you didnt call me. Nothing more. Just that.

Then Ill discuss with both of them why those few simple wordsnothing moremake a whole lot of sense.

Why do they make sense? Because when someone is already agitated, further confrontation only pumps up the tension and primes everyone for battle.

Thats the core question this book addresses: What to say in stressful moments.

In the following pages, Ill explain how to carefully choose words andequally importantadopt nonthreatening gestures. Each two-page scene will demonstrate the difference between words that will start another conflict that pushes you further away from happiness, or help create a successful interaction that leads to more intimacy. Or at least to better results.

L ets look deeper into the biology behind communication success or failure.

All of the scenes in this book are based on the following biological fact:

We are all hardwired to react instantly to a physical or verbal attack.

Everyone is programmed with the fight/flight syndrome that instantly floods the bloodstream with adrenaline. This hardwiring is not a choice. Within seconds were primed to either fight like mad or run like hell. Our heart and muscles are ready for actionnot for thinking.

No one escapes this basic human program.

So while we have learned over the millennia to control our physical reactions (our tendency toward violence), we have a much harder time controlling our words.

In fact, when youre sufficiently excited, provoked, confused, fearful or embarrassed, you often cant think at all because the thought process itself often fails.

Anger and fear quickly take over. Your impulse is to get even by inflicting immediate pain on whoever is causing you pain. Pressured by your frustrations, anxieties, irritations and resentments, you say something sarcastic, critical or accusatory that only makes things worse by creating yet more conflict.

Conflict erodes emotional trustthe lifeblood of every successful relationship.

S o how do you control what you say in such situations? How can you avoid spilling emotional blood?

You avoid it by having sensible responses alreadyprepared for use in potentially out-of-control situations. By rehearsing in advance. And by memorizing specific guidelines of what to say when youre feeling pressure or youre upset. Rehearsing a response can make all the difference in everyday interactions such as:

• Your boyfriend has left a mess in the kitchen... again!
• You order a special gift for your sister and she barely notices your effort.
• Your wife wonders why youre too dense to remember something shes told you.
• You try your best to be helpful to a friend but she ignores you.
• A coworker says something demeaning that implies youre incompetent.
• A relative criticizes an ambitious holiday meal youve just prepared.

Knowing how to respond in the best possible way in any of these situations can make the difference between ending up feeling stronger, more self-assured, more connected and more competentas opposed to feeling disconnected, criticized and incapable.

T heres another vitally important factor in successful communication: how you express your words. When speaking face-to-face, you engage your entire body. Posture, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and inflectionthese all support or distort your words impact.

For that reason, many scenes in the book also contain tips on making sure that your nonverbal communication will make your words as effective as possible. Youll find those woven into the suggested answers.

Each scene poses a scenario and possible responses. The scenes are grouped according to the type of relationship: dating, parenting, friends, work and a few universal situations. You can adapt the suggested responses to fit similar or parallel issues in your life.