Lauren Mackler - Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life

Also by Lauren Mackler

Solemate

Lauren Mackler

HAY HOUSE, INC.
Carlsbad, California New York City
London Sydney Johannesburg
Vancouver Hong Kong New Delhi

Copyright 2009 by Lauren Mackler

Published and distributed in the United States by: Hay House, Inc.: www.hayhouse.com Published and distributed in Australia by: Hay House Australia Pty. Ltd.: www.hayhouse.com.au Published and distributedin the United Kingdom by: Hay House UK, Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.uk Published and distributed in the Republic of South Africa by: Hay House SA (Pty), Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.za Distributed in Canada by: Raincoast:www.raincoast.com Published in India by: Hay House Publishers India:www.hayhouse.co.in

Design: Tricia Breidenthal Index: Bonnie Hanks

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private useother than for fair use as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviewswithout prior written permission of the publisher.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Authorsnote:All of the cases described in this book are composites orclients whose names and details have been changed to protect their rights ofconfidentiality and privacy.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Mackler, Lauren.

Solemate : master the art of aloneness and transform your life / Lauren Mackler. -- 1st ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-4019-2143-9 (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. Maturation (Psychology) 2. Depression, Mental. I. Title.

BF710.M314 2009

158.1--dc22

2008043307

CONTENTS

This book is about you. Mastering the art of aloneness is about having a good relationship with yourself. Its about becoming the person you were meant to be, treating yourself well, and shedding the old beliefs and behaviors that limit your ability to live a healthy, happy, satisfying lifewith or without a partner.

When we are born, we are whole, integrated human beings filled with tremendous potential. We feel good about ourselves and are able to experience and express the full range of human emotions. As we grow up, we adapt to the peculiaritiesand even pathologiesof our own families by adopting patterns of thought and behavior, some of which erode our innate wholeness. We carry these patterns into adulthood, and they shape our lives, our feelings about ourselves, and our relationships with others.

Mastering the art of aloneness is about reclaiming your innate wholeness, rather than seeking an ideal partneran outer soul mateto give you a sense of completeness and well-being. Its a gradual, step-by-step process that involves understanding where your self-defeating patterns come from and how to move beyond them. That means uncovering and retrieving your authentic selfthe person you really are beneath the layers of your life conditioningand living in a conscious and deliberate way so you can achieve the results that you want from life and feel complete and happy on your own.

I first developed the Mastering the Art of Aloneness workshop in 1998initially as a 12-week series, to allow people ample time to go through the process while receiving ongoing support. When I discovered that a lot of people found it difficult to take time out of their busy schedules to commit to a 12-week program, I began holding intensive weekend workshops. Those early 12-week sessions were particularly gratifying, because not only was I able to give people the tools they needed to begin to make changes in their lives, but as they each went off and used these tools, I could actually witness the dramatic transformations they were experiencing in their own lives from week to week. Its exciting to watch, and just as exciting to experience. This book gives you the same tools I use in my private coaching practice and in my workshops, all of which are designed to help you transform your life.

Throughout Solemate, I share my own personal stories as well as those of some of the clients with whom Ive worked. Ive concealed the identity of my clients, in some cases changing details of their lives to protect their identities while staying true to their underlying experiences. Ive made a conscious effort to avoid sexist language, as well as the tedium of referring to all these imaginary people as he or she throughout the text. So Ive randomly used the word he or the word she when I provide examples, trying to alternate between them when Im not referring to particular clients. Other than that, please dont infer anything from where or how Ive used these particular pronouns.

My interest in the field of personal development began in the early 80s in California when I attended a series of Insight Seminars. Those personal-development workshops, combined with a growing interest in holistic healing, laid the foundation for my later education in the field. In the years that followed, I underwent training as a workshop facilitator and collaborated with my then-husband, a German physician, on a series of holistic healing workshops in Europe. Inspired in part by a seminar I attended led by Dr. Bernie Siegel, author of Love, Medicine & Miracles and a pioneer in integrating emotional and spiritual approaches into the healing of life-threatening illnesses, I created a workshop for can-cer patients called Cancer as a Chance to Live. I studied breath therapy in India, completed a psychotherapeutic counseling program in Germany, and trained in mind-body modalities such as bioenergetics, voice dialogue, emotional release, and craniosacral therapy. But it wasnt until I returned to the United States in 1995, began a new course of personal-development work, and completed my American degree in psychology that the underpinnings of my approach first began to take shape.

The catalyst was my own struggle with loneliness and depression in the wake of a devastating divorce. That, in turn, led me to begin the personal-development work that helped me transform my life. I had to dig deep into my past to understand my family of origin and the roots of my own dysfunction. Through that process, I came to understand the crucial connection between our life conditioning, the self-defeating patterns that diminish the quality of our lives, and the steps we can take to change those limiting patterns. Ive developed what I believe is a unique method for helping others uncover their authentic selves and reclaim their innate wholeness so they can live a fuller, richer life on their ownor with someone else. My hope, in writing this book, is to give you the road map to achieving that lifea road map that I, like most people, never had.