Markoe Merrill. - What the Dogs Have Taught Me, And Other Amazing Things Ive Learned

Merrill Markoe has a keen eye for the little lunacies of modern living. Hers is a special talent, desperately needed these days.

The New York Times

You will gain an appreciation of the silly from which you may never recover. You may begin to collect windup toys at airports, catalogs of exotic nightwear, and unemployment ads for stun-gun salesmen.

Time

How to Be Hap- Hap- Happy Like Me

Markoe is the funniest woman in America and, please, lets have no arguing, okay?

People

Hip, hilarious, a neurotics delight Markoe presents a stupefyingly funny guide to the universe and everything in it.

The Houston Post

The Psycho Ex Game

Its My Fing Birthday

How to Be Hap- Hap- Happy Like Me

Merrill Markoes Guide to Love

The Day My Dogs Became Guys

2005 Villard Books Trade Paperback Edition

Copyright 2005 by Merrill Markoe

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Villard Books, an imprint of
The Random House Publishing Group, a division of
Random House, Inc., New York.

V ILLARD and V C IRCLED Design are registered trademarks of
Random House, Inc.

Portions of this work were originally published in What the Dogs Have Taught Me (New York: Viking Penguin, 1992), copyright 1992 by Merrill Markoe, and How to Be Hap- Hap- Happy Like Me (New York: Viking Penguin, 1994), copyright 1994 by Merrill Markoe. In addition, some of the essays originally appeared in Buzz, LA Weekly, Oxygen.com , and ModernHumorist.com .

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

eISBN: 978-0-307-49869-4

Villard Books website address: www.villard.com

v3.1

To Stan, Bob, Bo, Tex,
Winky, Dinky, and Puppyboy,
but most of all to Lewis

On the eve of the republication of this book of short pieces, I cannot help but reflect on how much has changed since the nineties, when many of them were written.

Back then I was single, and coping with dating, while living with my four head of dog in an underfurnished house in Los Angeles. I was cynical about the importance of the Internet or the need for e-mail, and scared silly about the frightening specter of El Nio, the unstoppable Ebola virus, skyrocketing electricity prices and the nightmare of rolling blackouts, the coming catastrophe of Y2K, the crazy war in Kuwait, and the number of fat grams I was consuming each day. I was also worried sick about the cavalier destruction of the environment, the rising censorship by the religious right, the lack of regard the current administration was showing for the truth, and the puzzling desire for a return of the seventies. Some things dont change.

Now it is 2005. I am coping with living with one head of man, and two head of dog and cat in the same house in Los Angeles, but has become overfurnished. Now I am cynical about the need for a cell phone that is also a camera, and scared silly about skyrocketing gas prices, the specter of the worst fire season ever, the unstoppable West Nile virus, the crazy war in Iraq, and the number of carbs I am consuming each day.

On the bright side, all this time I have continued to learn from my dogs, who have always been there to make life look like a hopeful, happy place. They have taught me, by example, that it is possible to wake up each morning in a wonderful mood, worried about absolutely nothing, excited about breakfast, thrilled every time there is a knock at the door. How can I ever forget the reaction they had to the last big fire scare in my neighborhood, when the fire department came to my house to suggest we evacuate? While I was frantic, running around trying to determine which of my possessions to save, the dogs all were leaping with glee at the prospect of some kind of event that was going to involve not just leashes but also the car.

Through constant and ceaseless example, the dogs have taught me that this bottomless joie de vivre is available to each and every one of us. All it takes is someone looking out for your health and your grooming while serving you nutritious meals plus vitamins every day as they selflessly make sure you get plenty of exercise and love and comfort. It also helps if they pay all of your bills.

Since I have had no one to rely on for those things since high school, I have been a nervous wreck for decades.

But my dogs are always the picture of health and happiness. And isnt that whats really important?

MERRILL MARKOE

It is late afternoon. Seated at my desk, I call for my dogs to join me in my office. They do.

Me: The reason Ive summoned you here today is I really think we should talk about something.

Bob: Whats that?

Me: Well, please dont take this the wrong way, but I get the feeling you guys think you have to follow me everywhere and I just want you both to know that you dont.

Stan: Where would you get a feeling like that?

Me: I get it from the fact that the both of you follow me everywhere all day long. Like for instance, this morning. We were all together in the bedroom? Why do you both look blank? Doesnt this ring a bell at all? I was on the bed reading the paper

Bob: Where was I?

Me: On the floor sleeping.

Bob: On the floor sleepi ? Oh, yes. Right. I remember that. Go on.

Me: So, there came a point where I had to get up and go into the next room to get a Kleenex. And you both woke up out of a deep sleep to go with me.

Stan: Yes. So? Whats the problem?

Bob: We like to watch you get Kleenex. We happen to think its something you do very well.

Me: The point Im trying to make is why do you both have to get up out of a deep sleep to go with me. You sit there staring at me, all excited, like you think something really good is going to happen. I feel a lot of pressure to be more entertaining.

Bob: Would it help if we stood?

Stan: I think what the lady is saying is that where Kleenex retrieval is concerned, shed just as soon we not make the trip.

Bob: Is that true?

Me: Yes. It is.

Bob (deeply hurt): Oh, man.

Stan: Dont let her get to you, buddy.

Bob: