John - Dirty Old Mans Cookbook

THE DIRTY OLD MANS COOKBOOK

BY HONEST JOHN

www.gotchasecretarial.com

1645 E. Missouri, Ste. 420

Phoenix, AZ 85016

NO PART OF THIS BOOK may be reproduced in any form or by any means (electronically or mechanically, including photocopy, recording or any information retrieval system) without written permission of the author. The author has full ownership and legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

All Rights Reserved

Our father, John Anderson, was a self-made man who experienced life to the fullest. No one ever said Honest John was shy and retiring. Once you sat at a gin table with him, you learned many colorful phrases while probably losing the farm.

When he retired, he decided to write a cookbook he was a great cook and Betty, our mom, was a great cleaner-upper (the Chef was not afraid to use an abundance of pots, pans, dishes and mixing utensils.)

You will enjoy his writing as well as the recipes, but be aware, some of the recipes do not have specific measurements, so pour yourself a glass of wine and go with the flow. Enjoy!

Prologue 1

About the Author 4

Bah-b-cue 7

Meat 29

Chicken 75

Seafood 91

Pasta 139

Vegetables & Salads 159

Tips and Mish Mash 187

Prologue

This cookbook is written by a guy who, while not exactly over the hill, can at least see over the top.

Im sure that our reader(s) are aware that there has been from time immemorial, or is the word immoral, or at least for a while, three basic indoor sports:

1. Drinking
2. Eating
3. Making love

Lately some people have attempted to add T.V. watching, but it doesnt qualify. The only exercise you get watching T.V. is running to the bathroom to throw-up, because that sadistic program director scheduled an anti-diarrhea commercial and a hemorrhoid commercial back to back just as you sat down to dinner.

Anyhow, the order of importance of 1, 2, and 3 in life runs like this:

to age 4: #1, #2, #3

4 to 26: #2, #1, #3

26 to 40: #3, #1, #2

40 to 60: #2, #3 (braggart), #1

60 and up: #1, #2, with

intermittent memories of #3

So, one day I was sitting at the Club, number oneing and number twoing and reminiscing about number three, when I decided to write this book. With visions of book publishers lined up and with Julia Child, Craig Claiborne and James Beard denouncing me as unfair, I started.

If I offend anyone, Im sorry for you, cause you probably go through life in a perpetual huff anyway. If you get a chuckle out of it or a good meal, Im happy.

If you dont like it, Frankly Scarlet, I dont give a damn.

Honest John is an old country boy, born in Texas, raised in Louisiana, who went back to Texas A&M to get a degree. He had to put up with tea sippers from Texas U, silk stocking boys from SMU, smart alecks from Rice, hog callers from Arkansas, and Aggie jokes from everybody.

Despite this travail, he graduated and went up north where he got married, got fat, and got children.

Finally he went to Europe where he

1. taught a Turk to like Boston baked beans.
2. convinced a Greek that good food didnt have to be hidden in lemon juice.
3. introduced corn on the cob, cornbread and barbecued spareribs to southern Italy.
4. showed a Frenchman how to make chili.
5. got at least one Englishman to put some hot pepper seasoning in his boiled vegetables.

He also learned

1. from the French that escargots are delicious.
2. from the Danes how good herring is.
3. that lamb eyes and couscous are for somebody else.
4. that California wines are consistently better than French wines.
5. that you can eat spaghetti without making the sauce out of hamburger and tomato sauce.
6. how to really cook and enjoy veal.
7. that the United States is the greatest country in the world.

Now hes out in Arizona oneing, twoing, and sometimes threeing!

Chapter One

I really wanted to start with Chapter III. Just think how much hell would have been raised in the unlikely event anybody bought the book, went home, opened it and Chapter I and II were missing. Hed raise hell with the bookstore, who would scream at his distributor, who would complain to the publisher, and thats the S.O.B. Im after, but he sneaked this heading in on me!

Bah-B-Cue

I suppose most of you call it barbecue, but no self-respecting suthena would ever think of pronouncing the r.

Now Im sure youve all been invited to a bah-b-cue and when eating time comes, assuming old Jack Daniels hadnt slugged you or Pierre Smirnoff hadnt snuck up on you, you were handed a plate of totally unrecognizable mish-mash, smelling of wood smoke, floating in grease and surrounded by soupy beans loaded with chili-powder, probably accompanied with a dish of wilted cabbage soaked in god-knows-what and called slaw.

On the other hand, bah-b-cue properly prepared, lovingly attended and properly served is one of the rare joys of life. Not to be compared with screwing, but right up there with thinking about it.

There are 4 grades of barbe (oops) bah-b-cue. They are classified as:

TI-1 totally inedible

TI-2 totally indigestible

TI-3 totally indestructible

TI-4 totally incomparable

TI-1 is usually found in chain food joints. It is made by taking 4-day old roast beef that was pretty lousy to start with, grinding or shredding it, dumping it into a pot with some tomato puree, a few drops of liquid smoke, maybe 5 drops of hot sauce and a sneering let them eat that.

TI-1 can be recognized by the black edges or particles in the meat, the gluey consistency of the camouflage and the revolting taste if you are adventurous enough to taste it. However, I suggest instead that if you are served some TI-1, that you repair quietly to the restroom, relieve your obvious nausea and proceed immediately to the nearest bar for recuperative doses of old Jack or Johnny W., or Pierres elixir, or maybe some of Mr. Seagrams V.O. If the delay from the table, to the john, to the oasis is not too long, you may survive. However, medical sources report that consistent exposure to TI-1 is dangerous to your health and may be fatal.

TI-2 is more insidious. It is usually prepared by a well-meaning but totally inept little old lady in a tearoom or coffee shop atmosphere.

She gets the recipe out of a book, uses 20 kinds of spices, probably buys beef chuck or pork shoulder, doesnt cook it enough and serves it prettily. Beware the danger is in delayed action. You may have swallowed several bites, (particularly if slightly mellowed by Johnny W. or friends) before the sudden accumulated weight inside sounds the warning.

You must immediately stop eating, struggle to your feet, approach the nearest Samaritan who can supply you with Alka-Seltzer, take a dose and go somewhere where its quiet and lie down.