Price - Jordan: Pushed to the Limit

I crept into my son Junior's bedroom and watched him sleeping in his cot for a few minutes. He looked so cute, dressed in his blue baby gro. 'Night, Junior,' I whispered, 'Love you so much, promise.' Then I tiptoed out of the room. Tomorrow would be his first Christmas and I wanted to make it extra special for him. But as I thought about the day ahead thought about seeing my family and friends and having to pretend that I was fine, I had such a knot in my stomach. Instead of looking forward to Christmas Day, I was dreading it. All I wanted to do was shut myself in my bedroom and be alone. I couldn't understand why I felt like this. I was married to the man of my dreams, I had two beautiful children and my career was going from strength to strength what was wrong with me? Inside I was such a mess. I put on a brave face to everyone, but the truth was, even though Junior was seven months old, I still felt I hadn't bonded with him and I didn't know why. I felt like I was the worst mother in the world. I felt like I was going mad.

Looking back, I know I wasn't the bad mother I thought I was. I know I wasn't mad I was ill. I had Postnatal Depression. I'd been suffering from it since Junior's birth. But, in December 2005, I had no idea why I felt so out of control and I couldn't tell anyone how I felt, not even Pete, though I think he realised there was something wrong. I wasn't myself; I wasn't the happy, confident girl he had fallen in love with. I didn't want to be around people. I was short-tempered, biting back at anyone whenever they tried to say anything to me; I was stressed, anxious, on edge. I had no confidence. I cried more than I ever had in my life. Worst of all, I felt I couldn't tell anyone about how I felt because I was so ashamed of my feelings. Why couldn't I bond with Junior? What was wrong with me? I knew I loved him, so why couldn't I show it? I kept thinking that I would get better. But I didn't, I seemed to feel worse every day. It's so painful just to remember how it was it was such a grim, horrible time. I've had to deal with some tough things in the past like when I was told that Harvey was visually impaired but I was able to cope with them because I was myself, I was feeling strong and I was well. The Postnatal Depression was one of the worst times of my life, because I felt so confused, so lost. I didn't know why I was feeling so out of control. And what I can't understand is how I came to suffer from it at a time in my life when I had everything I had ever wanted. It just goes to show that it's an illness, and it can happen to anyone. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

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Junior was born on 13 June 2005, just a year and half after I'd met and fallen instantly, madly, head-over-heels in love with Peter. It will be interesting when we explain to him and his sister that we first met in the Australian jungle on the TV reality show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! that's for sure. We've actually kept all the tapes of the shows and the cuttings in a wooden box in the loft, so maybe one day they'll discover it and find out about our unusual love story. Pete and me were caught up in a whirlwind romance within a week of him arriving in the UK and just three weeks after we'd met, he moved into my house. I couldn't have been happier when I found out I was pregnant, even though we hadn't even been together a year. We weren't married at that time either and, while I wish we had tied the knot before we had the baby, I don't regret it. I knew practically from the first moment I met Pete that he was the one and he felt the same about me. We both felt that having children together would complete us as a couple and as a family.

On the whole, my pregnancy with Junior had been okay, apart from the extreme morning sickness. It was great to have Pete to share the experience with having him by my side at the scans, sharing the excitement and reassuring me when I got anxious about the baby's health as I'd had no one except my family when I was pregnant with Harvey. I had split up with Harvey's father, Dwight Yorke, shortly after I discovered I was pregnant, and it was very hard dealing with the thought that I was going to be a single parent. I did try and involve him I always told him about the scans to give him the opportunity to come along, but he never turned up. I think it's important that you always leave the door open for the father to be involved, though, so that they can never throw it back in your face and accuse you of keeping them away from their child.

But towards the end of my pregnancy with Junior, the doctor discovered a complication. There was an unusual membrane above my cervix, which made a natural delivery impossible, and so I ended up having to have a caesarean. Because my pregnancy had caused me to be anaemic, I lost far more blood than is normal during the operation. It was so extreme that the doctors wanted me to have a blood transfusion, something I resisted. Instead, they ordered me to have complete rest and make sure I ate an iron-rich diet. I felt incredibly weak for ages after the birth, and while I ate well, I didn't rest. I was under pressure to lose weight, as I was recording my own fitness DVD at the end of August barely three months after Junior was born and then, on 1 September, Pete and me were getting married in a full-on fairy-tale-style wedding. It was too much, too soon after having a baby I know that now. I pushed myself too far.