Coustas - All I know : a memoir of love, loss and life

Marys book is a reminder that we dont have to be alone with grief. Her heartbreak and inspiring story is a lesson to all of us on how to live life to the fullest even in our most difficult moments. I loved it.

Naomi Watts

Coustas passion for life shines through. This is a memoir that is by turns sad, funny, moving and astute.

The Age

A journey into heartbreak.

Sun Herald

Coustas writing style is as natural and unaffected as her stage manner. And just as engaging.

Sydney Morning Herald

The exquisitely honesty account is a beautifully rendered love letter to those who have shaped Coustas heart.

Townsville Bulletin

Starting with a colourful childhood in Collingwood and Doncaster, under the shadow of her fathers mortality, Mary Coustas takes us on a journey through three deaths and a birth that changed her life forever.

In a voice rich with big-hearted generosity and quick-witted humour, she gives us an intimate view of her experiencesincluding meeting George, the love of her life, and their journey to parenthood. We also see the universal truth that in life theres loss and, amongst the pain and tragedy of that, there is the power of hope and humour. Marys story of the deaths of her father, her grandmother and her daughter Stevie, and the birth of her daughter Jamie is at times heartbreaking but, ultimately, All I Know is an enriching and uplifting celebration of life.

Born in Melbourne, but having lived in Sydney for many years, Mary Coustas is one of Australias best known actors and comedians. In 1987 she became a member of the ground-breaking stage show Wogs out of Work, where her comic creation Effie was born. This was followed by five seasons of the TV sitcom hit Acropolis Now. Her diverse TV, film and stage credits are numerous. In 2003 Mary wrote the self-help book for teenagers, Effies Guide to Being Upyourself. This is her first book for adults.

ALL I KNOW

A MEMOIR OF LOVE,
LOSS AND LIFE

MARY COUSTAS

Published by Allen & Unwin in 2013

Copyright Mary Coustas 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

Allen & Unwin
Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland, London

83 Alexander Street
Crows Nest NSW 2065
Australia
Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100
Fax: (61 2) 9906 2218
Email: info@allenandunwin.com
Web: www.allenandunwin.com

Cataloguing-in-Publication details are available
from the National Library of Australia
www.trove.nla.gov.au

ISBN 978 1 74331 565 1

eISBN 978 1 74343 298 3

Typesetting by Bookhouse, Sydney

To those who showed me the way

CONTENTS

COLLINGWOOD
Everyone belonged

DONCASTER
Painted in neon and dipped in garlic

MY FATHER
Fitting in wasnt the most important thing, he was

ACTING
I was not merely a person, I was a blank canvas

DEATH
The end of hope

GOODBYE
Even when hes dead, he wont give up

WORK
It insisted I be funny

CON
A hero to us no matter what the result

FEAR
Bringing out the best in me

GREECE
Going back to go forward

MY GRANDMOTHER
Three generations of breast assessment and more

GEORGE
This is what bliss looks like

US
Proposal via PowerPoint

ASSUMPTIONS
All I know is I know nothing

CONCEPTION
The symptoms, the waiting, the trickery

WEEK 7
Expect the worst but dont give up

GOODBYE
An act of love

THREE GIRLS
What role do they play?

TOM
It was me

FRIENDSHIP
My life raft

THE MARATHON
A determination I didnt know I had

FAMILY
Loving without expectations that come with blood

ATHENS
Crossing the fertility border

REACHING FURTHER
Calling out

CHAMPAGNE ANYONE?
Something just happened

HEARTBEATS
Zero, two, three... one

MY DAUGHTER
Somebody help her

STEVIE
The crush of a lifetime

JAMIE
The minute my heart got stretchmarks

Death is one of lifes few certainties. Escaping it is a privilege none of us have. I have been awakened by death. It has appeared in an array of guises throughout my life. As devastating and as threatening as its presence and eventual victory was in each case, I gained more from life because of it. Grief can be a lifes tourniquet. Shutting down to minimise the pain is a logical option. But its not the only one.

This is a story about life and death, a memoir based on a part of my history about which I never imagined writing. But loss has driven me to try to find answers in what remains, to airlift myself to a place that serves me better than helplessness and misery. To reach out. This is my love letter to what lives on beyond the devastation.

From as far back as I can remember I knew life was about death and death was about life and how they coexisted. In some moments, you see them standing side by side: the exact opposites in a co-dependent relationship. I have been witness to that many times. Death is an uncomfortable subject. As much as we know its unavoidable, we still choose to avoid talking about it. We fear it so much and, because of that, we underestimate who we might be in the face of it.

Three very different deaths have taught me more about living than anything and everything else. They have been my biggest challenge and my most consistent inspiration. And they have taught me that living with grief is easier than living with the fear of it.

The year before I was born my father, at the age of thirty-three, suffered a major heart attack. It was the first of many. I never knew a time when I wasnt conscious of the fact that he could die at any moment. No one mattered to me more than my dad. And no one liberated me more. Maybe thats where the addiction to him and his way of looking at the world began: when you are born into a family where a parent is dying, you record as much as you can. You chronicle memories so that they can comfort you when that great loss finally occurs. You eradicate guilt. You say all that needs to be said, because to take it for granted is to be in denial of what is actually happening. Youre not pessimistic but realistic. And no matter what optimistic thoughts you try to convince yourself of, your instincts are telling you the precise opposite. You know somehow that guilt and grief are a formidable combination that you need to spare yourself. You know that by not exposing yourself in giving all the genuine love you have, you are hoarding a lifetime of regret. It exacerbates weakness and gives credence to fear. And it is to live life in deficit.