Glass - Happy adults : [the secret to lasting happiness, contentment and success]

We are only limited by the extent of our imagination and no act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.

Why do I think I have found the secret to achieving lasting happiness and contentment? Simply because I know my formula works. I have the proof.

Let me explain.

After the publication of my fostering memoirs, in which I tell the often harrowing stories of the children Ive looked after, I received thousands of emails and letters from around the world. Some were from readers who had been abused as children and, having found comfort in my books, wanted to share their own stories with me. I often felt truly humbled by their courage the strength that had allowed them to put their suffering behind them and make a success of their lives. However, although many of these adults had managed to move on from the cruelty of the past having successful careers, enjoying loving long-term relationships and raising children others had not.

While I truly sympathized with their ongoing pain, I began to wonder why some survivors of abuse had managed to move on with their lives and others, years later, were still suffering, stuck in a really cruel and frightening place of depression, flashbacks, mental illness, suicide attempts, personality disorders, nightmares and self-harm. Was it just luck, I wondered, that had allowed some people to overcome their suffering and achieve happiness and contentment? Or were there other factors for example, the extent of the abuse or the amount of time that had elapsed since? I discovered it was nothing like this.

As the emails continued to pour in I also heard from readers who confided that they were unhappy with their lives for no good reason. Having read your books I know I should be grateful for my life but I seem to be fed up, bad tempered and down most of the time was typical of many of these emails.

So what was it? I wondered. What magic wand had been waved over some peoples lives to grant them happiness and contentment, and was this magic available to everyone? Could we all benefit? For even if we havent suffered, life can sometimes seem an uphill struggle.

The answer I discovered was yes: there was a magic being worked and it could be available to all. So I began to look more closely to find a way to harness it.

I was soon able to tell from the opening lines of a letter or email into which category a person fell. Something in their language, their positivity or lack of it, said they were happy and contented with life, or the opposite. As the correspondence grew I began to see common threads appearing in attitude and way of life. The magic was something that often the person was not even consciously aware of but had intuitively stumbled on and followed. So I extracted all the bits that had been proved to work and came up with Happy Adults : a formula for guaranteeing happiness and contentment.

Being angry at ourselves or others is responsible for the vast majority of our negative behaviour and feelings. While feeling anger and then letting it go is good for our mental health, hanging on to anger past its use by date, or internalizing anger, can produce or aggravate all manner of physical and psychological illnesses from stomach ulcers and migraines to severe psychosis. There is even evidence to suggest that cancer is more prevalent in people with angry negative dispositions than calmer more positive people, such is the interaction between mind and body.

Having said that, you do have the right to feel angry sometimes, and in some situations it is appropriate and healthy to do so.

It is right to feel angry if you accidentally hurt yourself for example, cutting your finger while opening a can of beans. Ouch! That hurt! How stupid of me! Then the pain subsides and you let go of the anger and continue with what you were doing.

It is right to feel angry if someone treats you unfairly or unkindly for example, your boss is highly critical of you in front of a less senior member of staff. Or a less able colleague is promoted over you. How dare he treat me like that!

You will feel angry if you discover a close friend and trusted confidante has been criticizing you behind your back. Wait till I see him! Ill show him what I think of him!

You will feel anger (and sorrow) if a loved one dies prematurely. Its not fair: my mum was only thirty-nine. Why did she have to die and leave me?

You will feel angry (and vulnerable) if someone has harmed you physically or mentally. I didnt do anything to him. Why me?

It is appropriate to feel angry in all the above situations (and many others like them which crop up as part of normal life), but it is essential to know when to let go of the anger. While no one is likely to still be angry a month after cutting his or her finger on a tin, many of us can still be seething from being humiliated in front of a work colleague or gossiped about by a friend months, even years, after the event. But holding on to anger in this way will gnaw away at your confidence and self-esteem, making you depressed and bitter.

Compare these two extracts from readers emails. They are both talking about their mothers.

Ill never forgive her as long as I live. Although she only lives three miles away I havent seen her in nearly twenty years. I wont have her near my house. My brother sees her so I dont see him either. I have no family. Ms A.

I wasnt going to let her ruin my life so I told her I still didnt understand why she hadnt believed me, but I was willing to move on. She now visits and sees her grandchildren. They love her dearly. Ms B.

Both of these emails were from women in their mid-thirties. Both had been sexually abused as teenagers by their stepfathers. Both had told their mothers at the time what was happening and neither had been believed. Which of the two had the happier life? The second writer, Ms B. She had instinctively recognized that to hang on to her anger would ruin my life. She was able to tell her mother that while she would never understand why she hadnt believed her when shed told her she was being assaulted, she wanted to put the past behind them. By letting go of her anger, not only was Ms B more contented and happier but she had allowed her children to enjoy a relationship with their grandmother which they wouldnt otherwise have had.

Whether we have a very big anger for example, as a result of being abused or a relatively small anger for example, a hurtful remark at some point we have to let go. I am not being dismissive of the shocking suffering some people go through, but after an appropriate time (possibly with the help of therapy) we have to make a decision to let go of the anger, for if we dont we will stay trapped in misery, bitterness and self-loathing, and that will affect those around us. Ms A unfortunately had not been able to let go of her anger and was addicted to antidepressants, having had two failed marriages, and a daughter with whom she battled continuously. Anger and depression go hand in hand and are a result of our feelings of helplessness and despair. We have to let go of anger to allow ourselves to heal and depression to lift.

We therefore owe it to ourselves to let go of our anger, and to those around us too. Let me show you how.

I was furious when my husband, John, left me for a much younger woman. I was seething, not only for myself but on behalf of my children. How could he! How dare he! What a shit! How was I going to manage alone and provide for my family? My anger was with me for most of my waking days and at night, when, unable to sleep, I lay awake, tormented by thoughts of John and what he was doing in his new life.