King Bart - The Pocket Guide to Boy Stuff

So, youre looking for something to do, huh? Well, youve come to the right place. The best kind of fun is the fun you make on your own. Remember when you were a little ankle-biter and youd make a fort by throwing a blanket or some old sheets over the couch? Or the time that you tied a garbage bag around yourself and slid down the snow-covered hill? And remember when you made your own jet plane and flew to Timbuktu?

Before reading on, you must promise to use the following outstanding activities for good, not evil. Do you promise? Are your fingers crossed? Are your eyes crossed? Okay, then take a look below! I have listed the activities from the easiest to the most challenging.

The Most Dangerous Dance in the World! Be careful when you learn the traditional Polish dance called the zbojnicke (djeh-BOHJ-nick-ee). Thats the one where the man swings an axe in circles above the ground and the woman has to jump over it, duck under it, and basically look out. Then she takes the axe!

This is probably the stupidest activity of all time. Because of this, it always cracks me up.

You need: to have the alphabet memorized

Try to say the alphabet without moving your lips or your tongue at all. No cheating! Whenever I do this, every letter sounds exactly the same; try it for yourself. (Hey, I said I would start with the easy stuff. If you find this activity too challenging, you may want to put this book down and go eat a Popsicle.)

For those on the lookout for spare change and cracker crumbs!

You need: a couch or sofa

If you are tough enough to brave the sight of lint, small toys, dirt, and crumbs, you might make enough money to buy a candy bar by playing this game.

Heres what you do: Put on coveralls and plastic gloves. (Protective eyewear is optional.) Drag a garbage can over to the sofa. Now lift up one of the sofa cushions. Careful! You never know what kind of filthy varmint might be hiding down there! There could be cockroaches, or even that annoying kid from down the block.

Anyway, keep pulling up the cushions. As you find disgusting pieces of rancid and dried-out food, throw them out. If you find any clothes youve been missing, put them in the laundry. If that annoying neighbor kid is down there, send him home pronto! And finally, the treasure: nickels, dimes, quarters, maybe even dollars! Heck, maybe theres a credit card down there! I just did this, and I made $1.35, so try this amazing game every few months or so and see what you come up with.

Looking for official police officer activities? Use the following information.

For Activity 1, you need: this book!

For Activity 2, you need: Krazy Glue; any box with a lid

Youve probably noticed that police officers have lots of codes and lingo that they use. Codes are not only practical, but they sound cool too. For example, if an officer is radioing in a suspicious license plate, they dont say, Run a check on license 174 DBP. The problem is that some letters sound like other things; in this license, D sounds like B and P, which could mess things up. (One-Adam-12, did someone pee on your license plate?)

Instead, the officer might say, Run a check on 174 Delta Bravo Papa. This is cool cop talk that keeps things sensible! Here is the cop talk alphabet:

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-ray, Yankee, Zulu

Use these words to spell things out (Please be advised that I would like some Golf-Uniform-Mike now) as well as for general silliness. (Dad, take cover! We have a Zulu alert! Repeat, a Zulu alert! )

Detecting fingerprints is one of the most important police tools there is. If you have ever wanted to do this yourself, heres what you do.

Get a small box with a lid (a shoebox works great). Pour a small puddle of Krazy Glue on a piece of foil or waxed paper (or anything.) Put that at one end of the box. Put the item you want to check for fingerprints at the other end of the box. This method will work best on hard, smooth items: anything glass, metal, or hard plastic will work, like a mirror or a knife blade. Make sure the lid is on tight. Leave the box in the sun for four to five hours. Come back and check for prints! (The molecules from the glue will get stuck to the greasy fingerprints!)

If you want to compare the prints to a suspects, have your suspect push their finger on an inkpad and roll their finger one time on a sheet of white paper.

Its time to use lightning-quick reflexes on an egg!

You need: an egg; a piece of aluminum foil; a glass; a playing card

Dont use a hard-boiled egg for this trick; its more exciting if you dont! The setup for this activity just takes a moment. You just need to make a foil-ring platform to hold up the egg. Cut or tear a rectangular piece of foil and make a ring with it that will support the egg with its fat end down.

Now fill the glass about 2/3 of the way with water. Put the playing card over the glass. Finally, set the foil ring and egg in the center of the card.