Kudlinski - Joan Drop Dead Diva

JOAN: DROP

DEAD DIVA

JOAN: DROP DEAD DIVA

Rafal Kudlinski

2015

Copyright 2015 by Rafal Kudlinski.

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-83-931465-4-3

Title: Joan: Drop Dead Diva (First Edition Feb. 2015)

Country of first publication: Poland

Published by: ITQ Media Publishing House

Cover art by: Piotr Mieczkowski and Rafal Kudlinski

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. This book is a satire and total work of fiction. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved

For more information about the author visit the website at: http://www.rafalkudlinski.com

Special Thanks and Acknowledgements

- Many thanks to Joan Rivers for thousands of hours of fun. Whether it was on TV or in the books, you were an inspiration for this novel. I sincerely hope you are having even more fun, wherever you are. You will be greatly missed!

- Many thanks to my best friend Piotr Mieczkowski for assembling such a great cover for the book. You always deliver exceptional results. Thanks Bro!

- Katarzyna and Monika, I do not know if I deserve such fantastic friends/fans. I love you babes.

- Big thanks to people who donated through crowdfunding campaign: Piotr Sokoowski, Chris Thornborrow, Bartosz Londzin,Krzysztof Minicki, Pawe Matysiak. You ROCK!

To my Mom and Grandmother.

Thank you for being coolest, fun and caring, loving and plain awesome!

Love Ya!

About the Author

Rafal Kudlinski is a Polish physicist and journalist. His career choices were very diverse. During high school years, he was fascinated by science-fiction television shows like Quantum Leap, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Alien Nation and Time Trax, which led him to the first stage of his education as a physicist. In 2003, he graduated from Wroclaw University of Technology with a degree in computer physics. During his studies, he became obsessed with Hollywood stars. When Internet approached BigBang years, he started to create websites for all the stars he loved and admired, starting with Scott Bakula and ending with Hugh Jackman. He was an avid viewer of E! Entertainment network and always dreamed to work for this crazy channel. Unfortunately, life took a different turn and led him once again in a different direction to pursue a stable career. In 2004, he graduated from Wroclaw University of Economics with post-grad diploma in quality assurance. Life was good and he had a steady job, but the dream of becoming a journalist and the desire to become a part of the media world started to bite again. In 2008, he started his third degree in Journalism and Social Communication at the University of Wroclaw, and graduated in 2010. The same year he started NEWSFix Magazine with his best friend Piotr and also published his first book on themed television channels, which he dedicated to students of journalism. Joan: Drop Dead Diva is his first novel, which he decided to write the moment he heard Joan Rivers is dead. Joan was very special to him. As much he admires true artists he hates pseudo-celebrities who have nothing special but gain popularity with the masses.

Dear Reader/Friend!

First of all, a big THANK YOU for purchasing this book. I sincerely hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed creating it. The reason for writing this fantasy adventure was simple. We have lost one of the best comediennes that graced our planet so far. Joan Rivers was unique, at times harsh and bitchy, but in most cases very accurate with her jokes. Joan Drop Dead Diva is the first part in trilogy that will be published during the next few years.

To enjoy this book even more, please turn on and listen to your favorite music. It can be catchy pop songs or classical music, whatever tricks your body to feel good.

All the best!

Rafal

Come on Turn the music on :)

Believe me, reading experience will be more enjoyable.

CHAPTER ONE

Departure and Arrival

Where the fuck am I? Shit, my voice is back and I sound better than Britney during her last Las Vegas concert. Its strangely quiet here.

Mhmm It must be it then I kicked the bucket I am Drop Dead Diva now.

I wondered what will happen next and guess what, I saw the door with Exit sign. I thought, that looks bad. Son of a bitch will have me now. But I am, shit, was a comedienne I never meant to hurt anyone. OK I stood up and approached the door with slight uncertainty. It would be stupid of me to knock but actually I did. No response Went for the handle and pressed it. The door opened and there was a fucking bright light.

Great, I have problems with my voice and you want me to be freaking blind too? Unknown power sucked me into the brightness. I felt a little dizzy. After awhile I saw a red carpet and there was a huge roar coming in my direction Marilyn? Audrey? Cary? I didnt know whether it was because of this bright light or I was hallucinating. I rubbed my eyes and looked again I am in heaven, I thought, when everything suddenly paused and I heard a voice.

- Dear Joan its not heaven yet. Where you will go for the eternity depends on your behavior. You have three earth years to prove, if you deserve eternal star treatment. Here is your guide. Meet Anne Frank. She will help you settle down in your new home in Hollywood-end. OK, I am messing with you now Joan. Its somebody very sweet and nice. Nevertheless beware and try to be kind.

OMFG! for the second I was shocked. Anne Frank. I thought I would finally meet this fabulous writer of the 20th century. But hey joke is on me now.

I like it here. You have great sense of humor God. Its gonna be a fun ride. Lets meet my assistant.

- Oh hello? Anybody there? Aaaaaaaahhhhhh

I opened my left eye and noticed I was in bed. Was it just a dream? Everything seemed in place, nothing was moved.

- Hello Joan. How are you Its me Anne Frank.

Noooooooooo

- I am just messing with you. My name is Mary, Mary Fischer. You must be exhausted after you know what.

I looked at that naughty Mary with The Look and answered

- Mary, Mary, Mary You too? Come on babe let this Anne Frank rest in peace. Its not funny anymore.

I looked around and it seemed I know the place but was not quite sure. The bed I was sitting on was exactly the same I had in New York, but the room was kind of different. It had two huge windows, a sofa and two armchairs with a beautiful little wooden table in between. Room was in immaculate condition. I turned my head to the right and noticed a fireplace. Just above it there was a lovely painting of a castle near the lake. I approached it and read down below. What? Prince Charles? OK, now I have seen everything.

Fireplace housing was made of fabulously designed marble with a curious looking switch on top of it. You know me I always have to check everything, so I pushed it. Suddenly a picture that was hanging above started to turn around and in a matter of seconds changed to a widescreen television set. It turned on automatically and I noticed a familiar logo on the screen.

It was not E! I worked for all these years. It was Celebrity Network, another trashy channel with fucked up pseudo-celebs wanting attention, I thought. I loved my job of bringing down these idiots without talent. I let it play and went for the door as I heard someone wanted eagerly to get into my room. I didnt knock this time, hahaha. I pressed the handle and saw my precious Max looking at me. You son of a bitch (at least in that case I did not offend anyone now). My eyes got wet and I started to cry. I missed my dear friend so much. It was so hard to let him go last year. But hopefully now we will spend eternity together.