A.J. Barnes - Advice from Dead Celebrities

A. J. B ARNES
Illustrated by A ARON W AITE
The pearls of wisdom on the following pages have not been provided or endorsed by any of the celebrities whose names appear in this bookthough that should be blindingly obvious given that they all have one thing in common: every last one of the people mentioned in this book is dead. Sadly, the deceased have played no part in contributing to this book. Perhaps even sadder, the advice enclosed is exclusively the diseased imagining of the Author, and even he refuses to be held accountable for damages caused by anyone dumb enough to take anything in this book seriously. A MERICAN S INGER, M EMBER OF THE M AMAS & THE P APAS (September 19, 1941July 29, 1974) Chew your food
thoroughly and carefully. A MERICAN C HEF, A UTHOR, T ELEVISION P ERSONALITY (August 15, 1912August 13, 2004) One day, all that butter will catch up to you (Im looking at you, Paula Deen). A MERICAN C OMIC, A CTOR (July 21, 1924February 24, 2006) Playing second fiddle will only leave you whistling Dixie. B RITISH M USICIAN, S ONGWRITER (October 9, 1940December 8, 1980) Bros before hoes. B RITISH M USICIAN, S ONGWRITER (October 9, 1940December 8, 1980) Bros before hoes.

Corey Haim Get lost. Brandon Lee Dont bring a gun to a fake fight. Andrew Koenig Every boner has a tragic ending. Amy Winehouse If they try to make you go to rehab,
say, Yes, yes, yes. Karen Carpenter Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

C HINESE-AMERICAN A CTOR, M ARTIAL A RTIST (November 27, 1940July 20, 1973) The family that works together, dies together. A MERICAN A CTOR (February 8, 1968May 28, 2010) Being a child star
is a tall order. A MERICAN A CTOR (April 3, 1924July 1, 2004) Heres an offer you cant refusea little diet and
exercise never killed anyone. A MERICAN A CTOR, V OICEOVER A RTIST, C OMEDIAN (September 17, 1948September 11, 2003) Its only cool to have a dumb blonde for a roommate if shes dumb enough to sleep with you. A MERICAN A CTOR, V OICEOVER A RTIST, C OMEDIAN (September 17, 1948September 11, 2003) Its only cool to have a dumb blonde for a roommate if shes dumb enough to sleep with you.

Vincent van Gogh I said, DONT listen to a word people say. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Charles M. Schulz When life hands you rocks, bitch to the lesbian. Evel Knievel White men can jump. Curly Howard Stupid sells.

Desi Arnaz Always be prepared to splain yourself. Charlton Heston When I said, from my cold, dead hands,
I was joking. Well, I guess you have my guns now.

A MERICAN A CTOR, C ULTURAL I CON (February 8, 1931September 30, 1955) Click it or ticket. H UNGARIAN S TAGE A ND S CREEN A CTOR (October 20, 1882August 16, 1956) Typecasting really sucks
the fun out of things. A MERICAN A CTOR (November 16, 1907September 9, 1997) Eat lightning and
crap thunder. A MERICAN A CTOR (June 28, 1932November 24, 2005) Fuck the wax.
Sweep the leg. B RITISH A CTOR, F ILM D IRECTOR, C OMPOSER (April 16, 1889December 25, 1977) Jayne Mansfield Always opt for a hat over a scarf. B RITISH A CTOR, F ILM D IRECTOR, C OMPOSER (April 16, 1889December 25, 1977) Jayne Mansfield Always opt for a hat over a scarf.

Gloria Stuart Your heart will go on until it doesnt. Natalie Wood Life preservers go with everything. Aaron Spelling Zip codes matter. Good genes dont. Ed Wood Shitty work can still make you famous. Stanley Kubrick Its not right until its perfect.

Its not right until its perfect. Its not right until its perfect.

C ANADIAN A CTOR, V OICEOVER A RTIST (March 3, 1920July 20, 2005) You can only be beamed
up so far. G ERMAN-AMERICAN S CIENTIST (March 14, 1879April 18, 1955) E = shampoo, cut, and blow-dry. A MERICAN A CTRESS (August 6, 1911April 26, 1989) In the factory line of life, sometimes you just have to stuff your bra. Lewis Carroll If theres grass on the field, its okay to jump through the looking glass.

Clark Gable Just dont give a damn. Michael Crichton Nothings dead forever. Phil Harris Fishing for crab might be the deadliest job, but a three-packs-a-day habit will kill you first. J. M. Barrie Be a little boy forever.