Allen - Three One-Act Plays

Add to this that Jim wants his rendezvous with whomever he is waiting for to be very private. Finally, Fred engages him. FRED Rainy day. (Jim nods, agreeing but not wanting to encourage conversation.) A drizzle. (Jim nods with a wan smile.) Or should I say mizzlemist and drizzle. JIM Um. FRED (pause) Look at how fast the current's moving.

You throw your cap into the river it'll be out in the open sea in twenty minutes. JIM (begrudging but polite) Uh-huh FRED (pause) The Hudson River travels three hundred and fifteen miles beginning in the Adirondacks and emptying finally into the vast Atlantic Ocean. JIM Interesting. FRED No it's not. Ever wonder what it'd be like if the current ran in the opposite direction? JIM I haven't actually. FRED Chaosthe world would be out of sync.

You throw your cap in it'd get carried up to Poughkeepsie rather than out to sea. JIM Yes well FRED Ever been to Poughkeepsie? JIM What? FRED Ever been to Poughkeepsie? JIM Me? FRED (looks around; they're alone) Who else? JIM Why do you ask? FRED It's a simple question. JIM If I was in Poughkeepsie? FRED Were you? JIM (considers the question, decides he'll answer) No, I haven't. OK? FRED So if you haven't, why are you so guilty? JIM Look, I'm a little preoccupied. FRED You don't come here often, do you? JIM Why? FRED Interesting. JIM What do you want? Are you going to hit me up for a touch? Here, here's a buck.

FRED HeyI only asked if you came here often. JIM (getting impatient) No. I'm meeting someone. I have a lot on my mind. FRED What a day you picked. JIM I didn't know it would be this nasty.

FRED Don't you watch the weather on TV? Christ, it seems that all they talk about is the goddamn weather. You really care on Riverside Drive if there are gusty winds in the Appalachian Valley? I mean, Jesus, gimme a break. JIM Well, it was nice talking to you. FRED Lookyou can hardly see Jerseythere's such a fog. JIM It's OK. It's a blessing FRED Right.

I don't like it any better than you do. JIM Actually I'm jokingI'm being FRED Frivolous? Flippant? JIM Mildly sarcastic. FRED It's understandable. JIM It is? FRED Knowing how I feel about Montclair. JIM How would I know how you feel about Montclair? FRED I won't even bother to comment on that. (Looks at watch.) FRED What time you expect her? JIM What are you talking about? Please leave me alone. (Looks at watch.) FRED What time you expect her? JIM What are you talking about? Please leave me alone.

FRED It's a free country. I can stay here and stare at New Jersey if I want. JIM Fine. But don't talk to me. FRED Don't answer. JIM (takes out cell phone) Hey look, do you want me to call the police? FRED And tell them what? JIM That you're harassing meaggressive panhandling.

FRED Suppose I took that cell phone and tossed it right into the river. Twenty minutes it'd be carried off into the Atlantic. Of course, if the current ran the other way it'd wind up in Poughkeepsie. Do I mean Poughkeepsie or Tarrytown? JIM (a bit scared and angry) I've been to Tarrytown in case you were going to ask me that next. FRED Where'd you stay there? JIM Pocantico Hills. I used to live there.

Is that OK with you? FRED Now they call it Sleepy Hollowsounds better for the tourists. JIM Uh-huh. FRED Cash in on all that Ichabod Crane crap. Rip Van Winkle. It's all packaging. JIM LookI was deep in thought FRED Heywe're talking literature.

You're a writer. JIM How do you know that? FRED C'monit's me. JIM Are you going to tell me you can tell because of my costume? FRED You're in costume? JIM It's the tweed jacket and the corduroys, right? FRED Jean-Paul Sartre said that after the age of thirty a man is responsible for his own face. JIM Camus said that. FRED Sartre. JIM Camus.

Sartre said a man assumes the traits of his occupation a waiter will gradually walk like a waitera bank clerk gestures like onebecause they want to become things. FRED But you're not a thing. JIM I try not to be. FRED Because it's safe to be a thingbecause things don't perish. Like The Wall the men being executed want to become one with the wall they're put up in front ofto lose themselves in the stoneto become solid, permanent, to endure, in other words, to live, to be alive. JIM (considers himthen) I'd love to discuss this with you another time.

FRED Good, when? JIM Right now I'm a little busy FRED Well, when? You want to have lunch, I'm free all week. JIM I don't really know. FRED I wrote a funny thing based on Irving. JIM Irving who? FRED Washington Irvingremember? We had talked about Ichabod Crane. JIM I didn't know we were back on that. FRED The headless horseman is doomed to ride the countryside, holding his head under his arm.

He was a German soldier killed in the war. JIM A Hessian. FRED So he rides right into an all-night drugstore and the head saysI have a terrible headacheand the druggist says, here, take these two Extra Strength Excedrinand the body pays for them and helps the head take two. And then we cut to them later in the night, riding over a bridge, and the head says, I feel greatthe headache is goneI'm a new manand then the body begins to get sad and thinks how unlucky he is because if he gets a backache, he can't find relief, not being attached to the head JIM How can the body think anything? FRED Nobody's going to ask that question. JIM Why not? It's obvious. FRED That's why.

That's why you're good at construction and dialogue but you lack inspiration. That's why you have to rely on me. Although it was a pretty sleazy thing to do. JIM Do what? What are you talking about? FRED I'm talking about moneysome kind of payment and a credit of some sort. JIM Look, I'm meeting someone. FRED I know, I know, she's late.

JIM You don't know and mind your own business. FRED All rightyou're meeting a broadyou want to be alone? Let's get the business end of it out of the way and I'm off. JIM What business? FRED In a minute you're gonna tell me this whole thing is Kafkaesque. JIM It's worse than Kafkaesque. FRED Really? Is itpostmodern? JIM What do you want? FRED A percentage and a credit on your movie. I realize it's too late for a credit on the prints that are already in distribution, but I should have a royalty on those and a cut and my name on all subsequent prints.

Not fifty percent but something fair. JIM Are you nuts? Why should I give you anything? FRED Because I gave you the idea. JIM You gave me? FRED Wellyou took it from me JIM I took your idea? FRED And you sold your first film scriptand the movie seems like a success and I want what's due me. JIM I didn't take your idea. FRED Jim, let's not play games. JIM Let's not you play games and don't call me Jim.