Ellis - American Housewife

Eating the Cheshire Cat: A Novel

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright 2016 by Helen Ellis

All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Doubleday, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York, and distributed in Canada by Random House of Canada, a division of Penguin Random House Canada Ltd., Toronto.

www.doubleday.com

DOUBLEDAY and the portrayal of an anchor with a dolphin are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

constitutes an extension of this copyright page.

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Ellis, Helen.

American housewife / Helen Ellis. First edition.

pages ; cm

ISBN 978-0-385-54103-9 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-0-385-54104-6 (eBook)

I. Title.

PS3555.L5965A8 2016

813.54dc23

2015021779

eBook ISBN9780385541046

Cover design by John Fontana

Cover photograph Andrew McLeod/Trunk Archive; flowers Woodhouse/Shutterstock

v4.1_r2

ep

For Ann Napolitano and Hannah Tinti,

great writers and friends

And Im giving you a longing look

Everyday, everyday, everyday I write the book

ELVIS COSTELLO

WHAT I DO ALL DAY

I nspired by Beyonc, I stallion-walk to the toaster. I show my husband a burnt spot that looks like the island where we honeymooned, kiss him good-bye, and tell him what time to be home for our party.

I go to the grocery store and find that everyone else has gone to the grocery store and, as I maneuver my cart through Chips and Nuts traffic, I get grocery aisle rage. I see a lost child and assume its an angry ghost. Fearing cold and flu season, I fist-bump the credit card signature pad.

Back home, I get a sickening feeling and am relieved to find out its just my husbands coat hung the wrong way in a closet. I break into a sweat when I find a Sharpie cap, but not the pen. I answer my phone and scream obscenities at an automated call. I worry the Butterball hotline ladies are lonely. I follow a cat on Twitter and click view photo when a caption reads: #YUCK. I regret clicking that photo. I weep because I am lucky enough to have a drawer just for glitter.

I shred cheese. I berate a pickle jar. I pump the salad spinner like a CPR dummy. I strangle defrosted spinach and soak things in brandy. I casserole. I pinwheel. I toothpick. I bacon. I iron a tablecloth and think about eating lint from the dryer, but then think better of that because I am sane. I rearrange furniture like a Neanderthal. I mayonnaise water rings. I level picture frames.

I take a break and drink Dr Pepper through a Twizzler. I watch ten minutes of my favorite movie on TV and lip-synch Molly Ringwald: I loathe the bus. I know every word. Sixteen Candles is my Star Wars.

I hop in the shower and assure myself that behind every good woman is a little back fat. I cry because I dont have the upper-arm strength to flatiron my hair. I mascara my gray roots. I smoke my eyes. I paint my lips. I drown my sorrows with Chanel No. 5.

At the party, I kiss my husband hello. I loathe guests who sneeze into the crooks of their elbows. I cant be convinced winter white is a thing. I study long-married couples and decide that wives are like bras: sometimes the most matronly are the most supportive.

I feign interest in skiing, golf, politics, religion, owl collections, shell collections, charity benefits, school fund-raisers, green juice, the return of eighties step classes, the return of nineties grunge, a resurgence of bridge clubs, and Ping-Pong mania.

I say, My breath is the Pinot Grigio-est.

I say, I am perfectly happy not being a Kennedy.

I say, Id watch a show called Ghost Hoarders. Why is that not a show?

I say, You can take your want of a chocolate fountain and go straight to hell.

I see everyone out and face the cold hard truth that no one will ever load my dishwasher right. I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life. I fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading. I think I couldnt love my husband more, and then he vacuums all the glitter.

THE

WAINSCOTING WAR