Ellis - Anger: how to live with and without it

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Just about all published books, these days, result from collaboration between the author and several other important contributors. So with this one. First, I want to thank the many clients I have cited, though quite anonymously, in this book for their invaluable contributions. My editors at Citadel Press have been particularly helpful. Although I take full responsibility for all the ideas in the book, these and my clinical associates at the Albert Ellis Institute in New York have contributed mightily to them and to this book.

The Albert Ellis Institute is located at 145 East 32nd Street, 9th Floor, New York, NY 10016; info@albertellis.org.

A LSO BY D R . A LBERT E LLIS

How to Control Your Anger Before It Controls You

How to Control Your Anxiety Before It Controls You

How to Stop Destroying Your Relationships

How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons

How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself
Miserable About AnythingYes, Anything!

The Albert Ellis Reader

Available from the Citadel Press/Kensington Publishing Corp.

Appendix: Techniques for Disputing Irrational Beliefs (DIBS)

If you want to increase your rationality and reduce your self-defeating irrational beliefs, you can spend at least ten minutes every day asking yourself the following questions and carefully thinking through (not merely parroting!) the healthy answers. Write down each question and your answers to it on a piece of paper; or else record the questions and your answers on a tape recorder.

What self-defeating irrational belief do I want to dispute and surrender?

Illustrative Answer: I must receive love from someone for whom I really care.

Can I rationally support this belief?

Illustrative Answer: No.

What evidence exists of the falseness of this belief?

Illustrative Answer: Many indications exist that the belief that I must receive love from someone for whom I really care is false:

a. No law of the universe exists that says that someone I care for must love me (although I would find it nice if that person did!).

b. If I do not receive love from one person, I can still get it from others and find happiness that way.

c. If no one I care for ever cares for me, which is very unlikely, I can still find enjoyment in friendships, in work, in books, and in other things.

d. If someone I deeply care for rejects me, that will be most unfortunate; but I will hardly die!

e. Even though I have not had much luck in winning great love in the past, that hardly proves that I must gain it now.

f. No evidence exists for any absolutistic must. Consequently, no proof exists that I must always have anything, including love.

g. Many people exist in the world who never get the kind of love they crave and who still lead happy lives.

h. At times during my life I know that I have remained unloved and happy; so I most probably can feel happy again under unloving conditions.

i. If I get rejected by someone for whom I truly care, that may mean that I possess some poor, unlovable traits. But that hardly means that I am a rotten, worthless, totally un-lovable individual.

j. Even if I had such poor traits that no one could ever love me, I would still not have to down myself as a lowly, bad individual.

Does any evidence exist of the truth of this belief?

Illustrative Answer: No, not really. Considerable evidence exists that if I love someone dearly and never am loved in return that I will then find myself disadvantaged, inconvenienced, frustrated, and deprived. I certainly would prefer, therefore, not to get rejected. But no amount of inconvenience amounts to a horror. I can still stand frustration and loneliness. They hardly make the world awful. Nor does rejection make me a turd! Clearly, then, no evidence exists that I must receive love from someone for whom I really care.

What are the worst things that could actually happen to me if I dont get what I think I must (or do get what I think I must not get)?

Illustrative Answer: If I dont get the love I think I must receive:

a. I would get deprived of various possible pleasures and conveniences.

b. I would feel inconvenienced by having to keep looking for love elsewhere.

c. I might never gain the love I want, and thereby continue indefinitely to feel deprived and disadvantaged.

d. Other people might down me and consider me pretty worthless for getting rejectedand that would be annoying and unpleasant.

e. I might settle for pleasures other than and worse than those I could receive in a good love relationship; and I would find that distinctly undesirable.

f. I might remain alone much of the time; which again would be unpleasant.

g. Various other kinds of misfortunes and deprivations might occur in my lifenone of which I need define as awful, terrible, or unbearable.

What good things could I make happen if I dont get what I think I must (or do get what I think I must not get)?

a. If the person I truly care for does not return my love, I could devote more time and energy to winning someone elses loveand probably find someone better for me.

b. I could devote myself to other enjoyable pursuits that have little to do with loving or relating, such as work or artistic endeavors.

c. I could find it challenging and enjoy-able to teach myself to live happily without love.

d. I could work at achieving a philosophy of fully accepting myself even when I do not get the love I crave.

You can take any one of your major irrational beliefsyour shoulds , oughts , or musts and spend at least ten minutes every day, often for a period of several weeks, actively and vigorously disputing this belief. To help keep yourself devoting this amount of time to the DIBS method of rational disputing, you may use operant conditioning or self-management methods (originated by B. F. Skinner, David Premack, Marvin Goldfried, and other psychologists). Select some activity that you highly enjoy that you tend to do every daysuch as reading, eating, television viewing, exercising, or social contact with friends. Use this activity as a reinforcer or reward by only allowing yourself to engage in it after you have practiced Disputing Irrational Beliefs (DIBS) for at least ten minutes that day. Otherwise, no reward!

In addition, you may penalize yourself every single day you do not use DIBS for at least ten minutes. How? By making yourself perform some activity you find distinctly unpleasantsuch as eating something obnoxious, contributing to a cause you hate, getting up a half-hour earlier in the morning, or spending an hour conversing with someone you find boring. You can also arrange with some person or group to monitor you and help you actually carry out the penalties and lack of rewards you set for yourself. You may of course steadily use DIBS without any self-reinforcement, since it becomes reinforcing in its own right after awhile. But you may find it more effective at times if you use it along with rewards and penalties that you execute immediately after you practice or avoid practicing this ratio-nal emotive behavior method.

Summary of Questions to Ask Yourself in DIBS

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