Welch - How to Die Alone: the Foolproof Guide to Not Helping Yourself

how to die alone Mo Welch Workman Publishing New York For all the Blairs out there. And Sam. Contents Blairs 5-Step Plan for Dying Alone: Epilogue: Introduction: Meet Blair Hi. Im Blair. Im the friend you never had, probably because your parents called me a little depressing and too cynical and Wheres her dad? I may have a dark perspective on life, but Im always honestand in a world littered with gratingly positive YouTube personalities, honesty has got to be worth something, right? This world has enough self-help books. They offer steps for overcoming social anxiety and prescribe no-meat, no-carb, no-fun diets to help you lose weight and your will to live.

Those books work for some people. Not me. I dont want to waste my life reading about how to improve my life. I want to waste my life having one-sided conversations with my cat. So here is the self-help guide for not helping yourself. This guide is for the brave souls who want to live their lives at home in sweatpants, eating pizza, bagels, and/or pizza bagels for every meal.

In this book, I will show you how to become an antisocial hermit, how to fail at your boring job, how to sabotage your friendships, and much more! Ill even offer tombstone suggestions to help you celebrate successfully dying alone. You can thank me later, when were all dead. STEP 1 Become an Antisocial Hermit A t a certain point, attending parties becomes more of a chore than a reward. Maybe its because theres no element of surprise. Every party is identical to the one that came before it. You fat-shame yourself as you pick out an outfit, you get to the party too early, you talk to people youll never see again, and you spend the whole night imagining yourself at home watching murder documentaries in your sweatpants.

So why bother with parties? Or people? Or anything? If you truly want to die alone, start by being alone now. Never leave your house or see any friends or family again! Except for maybe your cat. Portrait of a woman flaking on her plans. Hermit Tip #1 If youre uncertain about going out, just say no. How to Hide When You See Someone You Know in Public Jump into the middle of that clothing rack. Lie down in that bush.

Blend into that tree. Walk behind that server. (Keep the same pace.) Hold that baby. Look, youre just a passing mom now. Give back that baby. Youre not ready for that kind of responsibility.

Jump into that sewer. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were regular turtles before they saw Gerard, the friend they didnt want to talk to. We play hide-and-seek as kids to prepare us for seeing someone we know in public as adults. Keep calm and Stay at Home. Today's forecast: Lots of people. Better stay in.

Hermit Tip #2 You dont need to have a life if you follow people online who have lives. I think I'll go for a scroll inside. Excuses to Use When Flaking on Your Boring Friends My cat is lonely and needs me. Im sure you understand. Umm, exercise? Yeah, exercise. I gotta organize my cereal boxes by sunset. I have to work late. (You dont need to mention that what youre working on is stalking ex-friends on social media, and your office is a bed. (You dont need to mention that what youre working on is stalking ex-friends on social media, and your office is a bed.

And your coworker is a cat.) Im busy watching every murder documentary available. I need to pray. (Trust me, nobody will fight you on this one.) 5 One-Way Conversations to Have with Your Cat What have you been doing all day? Where do we go when we die? Can you believe [SPOILER] happened in Game of Thrones? Do you think Stacey and Tim will make it? Be honestwill you eat me when I die? Pets are the reason I don't technically drink alone. Almost leaving is basically leaving. I think I'm in love. 6 Ways to Spruce Up Your Sweatpants When You Leave Your House for 5 Minutes Add a belt.

Sequins! Wear a pair as a scarf. Hook them to your buttlook, you have tux tails! Turn the pockets inside out. By the time people ask, Is that a new trend? your five minutes outside will be up. Clean them! (Just kidding. Dont.) Sweatpants Party of One. Completing chores is such a chore. Completing chores is such a chore.

Hermit Tip #3 Stare out the window with a blank expression on your face until your neighbors finally label you that weird cat lady. Well deserved.