Piers Anthony - Two the Fifth (Xanth, No. 32)

"Get the lead out of your ass."

Cyrus jumped, almost falling off his donkey. "Who said that?"

"Get thee to a nunnery."

This time he placed the source. "You're talking!" he said to the donkey.

"Who said that?" the animal said. "You're talking."

"You're repeating whatever you have heard most recently," Cyrus said, catching on. "That voice unit was supposed to be for braying. How can you speak words?"

"Defective workmanship," the donkey said. "You installed the wrong unit."

Cyrus sighed. So using lead instead of iron wasn't his only error when he constructed the donkey. When the mechanical animal was too heavy to function effectively, Cyrus's father Roland had given him blunt advice: remove the lead. So he had done so, and had a robot animal he could ride.

"Who said the other?" he asked, "About the nunnery. That's like a monastery, isn't it?"

"Your barbarian mother said it," the donkey answered. "You weren't paying attention. She was not referring to nuns."

"Not?"

"Not. According to my defective data bank, it's old Mundanian slang for a house of ill repute."

"What is that? I never heard of an ill house."

"Naturally you wouldn't know. You were created halfway innocent, for some obscure reason. But she thought it would make a man of you."

"I'm not a man," Cyrus protested. "I'm a cyborg. Half robot, half human. I will never be fully human."

"That's what comes of getting yourself delivered to a humanoid robot and a barbarian. If you wanted to be normal you should have selected a normal couple for parents."

"I didn't have a choice, you nutty and bolty contraption. They signaled the stork, not me."

"Neither did I have a choice, half-breed."

"Had you had one, you should have chosen a more competent builder," Cyrus said with a halfway metallic smile.

"Indubitably, But since I'm stuck with you, how about giving me a name?"

"You're an ass. An equine breed. So suppose I call you"

"Forget it, cogbrain!"

Cyrus reconsidered. "Donkey won't do?"

"Let's abbreviate it. Don will do."

"Don Donkey, Not phenomenally original."

"Neither are you, cyborg."

"It will do," Cyrus agreed with resignation.

He rode on, careful not to remark on the animal's jerky gait, lest he get another sour reminder of his clumsiness in assembling it. The varied terrain of the Land of Xanth passed, becoming less familiar as they got farther away from home. They were following one of the enchanted paths, so there was no danger.

Cyrus got thirsty, so fished a can of tsoda pop from a saddlebag. He was about to open it when it slipped out of his hand, fell to the ground, and rolled off the enchanted path. "Bleep," he said. Because he had been assembled adult, he was able to use that term. It signaled spot disaffection with the situation.

There was a golden streak. Something zipped after the can, caught it in its mouth, and brought it back, holding it up. It was a dog made from pure gold.

"Thank you." Cyrus said, accepting the can. The dog zipped away again. "I wonder what kind of creature that was?"

"A golden retriever, dummy," Don said. "Check your memory bank."

The donkey was right: the information was there. Cyrus simply hadn't made the connection. "Thank you." he said again.

"I'm low on fuel." Don complained.

Cyrus considered. Chances of getting where they were going today were small, so there was no point in pushing it. "We'll stop at the next grazing area we see," he said.

"We'd better."

They came to a small glade strewn with sticks and tufts of old dry grass. "And this is it," Cyrus said, dismounting.

They stepped off the path. Don put his head down and picked up a stick with his mouth. He chewed, and the stick broke in two. He swallowed the pieces.

"Oh what a cute little horse!" a voice exclaimed. It was a rather young pretty girl, in fact almost nymphlike, but clothed. She had flouncing bark brown hair and sky blue eyes.

Don lifted his head to view her. "I'm not a horse," he said sourly. "I'm an ass."

She looked bemused. "A what?"

"A donkey," Cyrus said quickly, realizing that the Adult Conspiracy prevented her from knowing the other term. "A robot donkey. Call him Don."

"Hello, Don," she said shyly. "I'm Piper Nymph."

"I don't see a pipe," Don said.

"I don't have a pipe. It's my name. My parents are Hiatus Human and Desiree Dryad. They named me."

Cyrus's data bank oriented. He knew of them; Hiatus was the son of the late Zombie Master, with the talent of growing things like ears on walls. He had fallen in love with a tree nymph, a hamadryad, and finally married her after a seemingly hopeless quest. Cyrus was jealous; he had no romantic prospects at all. At any rate, that explained Piper's nymphlike appearance: she was half nymph.

"What good are you?" Don asked.

"He's an assI mean donkey," Cyrus said quickly. "He has barnyard manners. Ignore him."

"No, I'll answer," Piper said. "My talent is healing. That can be very useful. In fact I have a pet whirlwind I healed. Dusty."

"A useful whirlwind?" Don asked, his voice fairly rusting with sarcasm.

"Sure. I'll show you. What do you most need?"

"More dry wood. It's my fuel. I'm a wood-burning robot ass." Don obviously thought he had stifled her positive attitude.

Piper put two fingers to her mouth and made an ungirl-like whistle. In a moment a whirling cloud of dust cruised in toward them, tossing leaves and small twigs about. "This is Dusty," she said as the whirlwind hovered beside her. "Dusty Dust Devil."

"What an ill wind," Don said.

The wind coalesced into a small horned creature. "Why thank you, asinine junk," the little devil said.

Don took it in stride. "Can you bring me dry wood, you horny midget?"

"Please," Piper said. "I've got a feeling there's a bad word there."

The devil disappeared, becoming the dust devil. It whirled all around the glade and into the surrounding forest. In a moment it returned, filled with brush, and faded. A pile of dead branches fell to the ground as the devil formed.

Don stared. "That will hold me for three days!" He started chomping wood.

"Say thank you," Cyrus murmured to the donkey.

"Why?" Don asked around a mouthful.

Cyrus realized that politeness was not part of the animal's program. So he gave a reason that would make sense to a selfish creature. "Because you want to encourage him to do it again some time, after you run out of fuel."

Don cocked an ear, understanding. "Thank you, Dusty."

The little devil blushed blue.

"Say you're welcome," Piper murmured.

"You're welcome."

Don paused in midchomp. He was coming to appreciate the possible benefits of common courtesy.

Piper smiled. She was pretty when she did that. "It's nice to see folk get along," she said.

Too bad she was only thirteen years old, according to Cyrus's data bank: too young to be a prospect for romance. Not that Cyrus knew anything about romance.

They had to wait while the donkey took in the pile of wood. "What are you doing here?" Cyrus asked the nymph.

"I'm just widening my horizons," she said. "Every year mother lets me wander farther from the tree. By the time I'm adult, I should be familiar with the whole area. Already today I met a man with the talent of selective friction: he can move anywhere, because if he's on slippery ice, he can make one foot have a lot of friction, and push with it, then change to the other foot."

"So what good is that?" Don asked. "There's no ice here."