Mark Twain - Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Volume 1 1852-1890 (LOA #60)

Volume compilation, notes, and chronology copyright 1992 by Literary Classics of the United States, Inc., New York, N.Y.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced commercially by offset-lithographic or equivalent copying devices without the permission of the publisher.

Copyright 1967, 1972, 1973, 1976, 1979, 1981 by The Mark Twain Foundation.

Published by arrangement with the University of California Press and Robert H. Hirst, General Editor of the Mark Twain Project. See Acknowledgments in the .

Taming the Bicycle from What Is Man? and Other Essays by Mark Twain, Copyright 1917 by the Mark Twain Company; copyright renewed 1945 by Clara Clemens Samassoud. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers Inc. A Cat-Tale from Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain, edited by Bernard DeVoto. Copyright 1946, 1959 and 1962 by the Mark Twain Company; copyright renewed by the Mark Twain Company. Printed by permission of HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

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Library of Congress Catalog Number: 92-52657 (Print)

For cataloging information, see end of Index.

ISBN 978-0-940450-36-3 (Print)

ISBN 0-940450-36-4 (Print)

ISBN 978-1-59853-339-2 (epub)

The Library of America60

Manufactured in the United States of America

Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches & Essays 18521890

is kept in print in loving memory of

MADELEINE HAMMETT BIANCA

(19192011)

by a gift from her niece

Rita Rogillio Odom

to the Guardians of American Letters Fund, established by The Library of America to ensure that every volume in the series will be permanently available.

The publishers express their appreciation to Robert H. Hirst and the Mark Twain Project for editorial assistance and the use of Mark Twain materials.

About thirteen years ago, when the now flourishing young city of Hannibal, on the Mississippi River, was but a wood-yard, surrounded by a few huts, belonging to some hardy squatters, and such a thing as a steamboat was considered quite a sight, the following incident occurred:

A tall, brawny woodsman stood leaning against a tree which stood upon the bank of the river, gazing at some approaching object, which our readers would easily have discovered to be a steamboat.

About half an hour elapsed, and the boat was moored, and the hands busily engaged in taking on wood.

Now among the many passengers on this boat, both male and female, was a spruce young dandy, with a killing moustache, &c., who seemed bent on making an impression upon the hearts of the young ladies on board, and to do this, he thought he must perform some heroic deed. Observing our squatter friend, he imagined this to be a fine opportunity to bring himself into notice; so, stepping into the cabin, he said:

Ladies, if you wish to enjoy a good laugh, step out on the guards. I intend to frighten that gentleman into fits who stands on the bank.

The ladies complied with the request, and our dandy drew from his bosom a formidable looking bowie-knife, and thrust it into his belt; then, taking a large horse-pistol in each hand, he seemed satisfied that all was right. Thus equipped, he strode on shore, with an air which seemed to sayThe hopes of a nation depend on me. Marching up to the woodsman, he exclaimed:

Found you at last, have I? You are the very man Ive been looking for these three weeks! Say your prayers! he continued, presenting his pistols, youll make a capital barn door, and I shall drill the key-hole myself!

The squatter calmly surveyed him a moment, and then, drawing back a step, he planted his huge fist directly between the eyes of his astonished antagonist, who, in a moment, was floundering in the turbid waters of the Mississippi.

Every passenger on the boat had by this time collected on the guards, and the shout that now went up from the crowd speedily restored the crest-fallen hero to his senses, and, as he was sneaking off towards the boat, was thus accosted by his conqueror:

I say, yeou, next time yeou come around drillin key-holes, dont forget yer old acquaintances!

The ladies unanimously voted the knife and pistols to the victor.

May 1, 1852

A young friend gives me the following yarn as fact, and if it should turn out to be a double joke, (that is, that he imagined the story to fool me with,) on his own head be the blame:

It seems that the news had been pretty extensively circulated, that Mr. Curts, of the enterprising firm of Curts & Lockwood, was exhibiting at their store, for the benefit of the natives, a show of some kind, bearing the attractive title of Bonaparte crossing the Rhine, upon which he was to deliver a lecture, explaining its points, and giving the history of the piece, the price being one dime per head, children half price. Well, the other day about dusk, a young man went in, paid his dime, saw the elephant, and departed, apparently with a flea in his ear, but the uninitiated could get nothing out of him on the subject; he was mumhad seen the varmint, and that was the full extent of the information which could be pumped out of him by his enquiring friends.

Well, everybody who saw the sight seemed seized with a sudden fit of melancholy immediately afterwards, and dimes began to grow scarce. But pretty soon Jim C, with a crowd of eager boys at his heels, was seen coming down the street like half a dozen telegraphs. They arrived at the store, gasping and out of breath, and Jim broke out with:

Mr. Curtswantto seethatshow! Whatsprice!

Oh, we let boys see it at half pricehand out your five cents.

Jim had got done blowing by this time, and threw down his money in as great a hurry as if life and death depended upon the speed of his movements, saying:

Quick! Mr. Curts, I want to see it the worst kind.

Yes, Oh yes; you want to see Bonaparte crossing the Rhine, do you, said Abram, very deliberately.

Yes, thats itthats what I want to see, said Jim, who was so anxious to see the show that he could scarcely stand still.

Well, you shall see it, said the worthy exhibitor, with a wise look, at the same time dropping the five cents into the money drawer, and I hope by this show to impress upon your young minds, this valuable piece of history, and illustrate the same in so plain a manner that the silliest lad amongst you will readily comprehend it.