van Derbur - Miss America by day : lessons learned from ultimate betrayals and unconditional love

Miss America By Day won a st place in the prestigious Writers Digest National book competition.

A judge wrote: Seldom as a judge have I wanted to read the entire book but I devoured every word of this riveting story Told with stark honesty, determination and vivid detailsshe tells her story with thoroughness and immediacy

Jane Fonda wrote: Your book has touched me to my core, blown me away, impressed me deeplyits very important.

This is the most important book I have read on healing, conquering shame, and the question of forgiveness. Shelli Hill Snyder, survivor, Davie, FL

I learned more from you in your 20 minute talk than I have learned in the last decade. Dr. Richard Krugman, Dean of the Univ. of Colo. School of Medicine

Reading Miss America had a profound impact on me. Mary Krane, M.S.W. University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work

This is the finest book ever written on this subject. Eve Ensler, internationally known playwright and performer.

This book had such a profound impact on me, I flew from South Carolina to Colorado to thank Marilyn personally. Cindy Tew, founder of Darkness to Light.

www.MissAmericaByDay.com

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A bove all else, this book is a love story and is dedicated to my husband of 39 years, Larry Atler. Like champagne being poured into the top glass of a pyramid of glasses on New Years Eve, his love has spilled over and filled all my empty places. Larry is my knight in shining armor, my dearest friend, the love of my life, my hero, the finest human being I will ever know.

Our daughter, Jennifer Atler, has taught me so much about who I am. An inexhaustible source of wisdom, compassion and unconditional love, she is, and has always been, the joy of our lives. It is my ultimate privilege to be her mother.

D.D. Harveys love, commitment and insights saved my life.

T ikkun.

One word that describes why I have written this book.

There is a belief in one of the mystical traditions that each individual has his or her own unique tikkun (tee-koon) or purpose, a mission that belongs to no other.

I had always wondered why I won Miss America. Not only did I not seek the title, I was petrified at the thought and tried to decline the nomination. For years, I wondered why I chose motivational speaking in front of 200 to 10,000 people at least three times a week when any size audience terrorized me. Why?

I didnt even get it when a newspaper reporter took my story of incest to the front pages of our Denver papers. Only when I saw my picture on the front cover of People magazine did I realize that this is the mission I had been givena mission that belongs to no other. It doesnt mean there arent other people doing amazing work in addressing the epidemic of childhood sexual abuse, helping survivors on their journey from victim to survivor, learning how to support a loved one or learning specific ways to keep children safe. It only means that mine is a unique mission.

I could never have imagined that, by using my story as the scaffolding, it would be my mission to educate judges, doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, therapists and especially, parents. The titles of Miss America and Outstanding Woman Speaker in America gave me entre into being the keynote speaker for audiences as diverse as the National Association of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, the Colorado Judges Association, The Department of the Army International Health Care Providers Conference, Massachusetts Medical Society, Dallas Junior League, the Crystal Cathedral Womens Conference, and Childrens Advocacy Center fundraisers.

When I addressed 250 doctors at the Mayo Clinic, I realized that information gleaned from my agonizing recovery process had a purpose. What did unrelenting, excruciating low back pain or blood red eyes have to do with sexual abuse? As I began addressing medical conferences, doctors and nurses began to better understand the connection between childhood sexual abuse and adult physical pain and disease. After hearing my message, physicians asked me to produce videos to help educate health care providers. These two videos are now being shown nationwide.

After my keynote address to the National Association of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, I produced a video, Once Can Hurt a Lifetime, which educates teenagers about the long-term impact of violating a younger or less powerful child. This video is being viewed by teenage camp counselors, baby-sitters, Boy Scout leaders and juvenile offenders. Parents are also showing it to their teenagers, as an introduction to important family conversations.

Each year, as I addressed parents, teachers, judges, clergy and, of course, survivors, I delved more deeply into cutting edge research and gained more knowledge of survivors experiences, shared in the 8,000 personal letters that I have received and answered. Even more personal contact came as thousands of men and women waited as long as two hours to speak with me after my presentations. I have been in personal contact with more adults, sexually violated as children, than anyone else in America. Each day, I learned more about common, adverse long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse, family support or non-support, and the effectiveness of different therapies.

When I was asked to write a book eleven years ago, after my story of incest first became public, I declined because I knew it would be a book about me. I knew if I ever wanted to write a book, I would want it to be about you, the reader. Now is the right time to share what I have learned.

I had never considered telling my story in more intimate or personal detail until I began addressing professional audiences. I knew that I would have to share personal stories to help them better understand the family dynamics that can occur, even in a seemingly perfect family. For the first time, I felt compelled to be more specific about what my father actually did to me. Its too easy to casually dismiss trauma when vanilla words like molest and abuse are used. We cannot change what we do not understand.

I knew I was on the right path when I asked a casual acquaintance, a woman who has had no first hand experience with sexual abuse of any kind, to read part of this book. She wrote, When the text arrived, I decided to sit down and read for an hour and then do errands. I never did the errands nor did I put the text down until I had finished every word. Then I went to the phone and called my daughter (who is in college) to ask her questions I had never before thought to ask. When my two teenagers came home from school, we had one of the most important conversations we have ever had. Thank you for educating me about the necessity of having conversations with my children on subjects that would never have occurred to me."

One of my goals is that, no matter what your age or stage in life, whether you are a survivor of sexual abuse or one who has been spared, you will be compelled to ask a friend or family member, Did you know May I ask you a question? Have you ever thought about? And, hopefully, you will take action, such as writing a letter to a television reporter or newspaper editor similar to ones I have suggested. It is my fervent hope, that as I write about my story, you will be thinking about your life, family and friends, and that, ultimately, this book will have been more about you than about me.

Because this is my tikkun.