Mike Epps - Unsuccessful Thug: One Comedian’s Journey from Naptown to Tinseltown

If Id had an ounce of senseno, aneighth of senseI never would have made it in show business.

I like to consider myself one of the most afraid, mischievous, strong, God-fearing, tempted, confused, criminal-minded, funny, lovable, shy entertainers in the world, but none of those things got me where I am today. I didnt care about getting famousI just wanted to live. And I didnt even care about being a famous comedian. I just had to survive. I didnt want to be a star. It would be a disservice to myself to say that, because thats not how I became who I became. I became who I became by surviving.

When I talk to other successful people in show business, I sometimes feel embarrassed, because Im not in it for the same reasons they are. This isnt a career to me. This is my life. Show business is what I do to survive. Its my therapy, because I constantly need someone to talk to. Its my parole, because if I violate it, I go back to my life before. And its my spirituality, because I definitely feel like God is using me for therapeutic purposes.

Dont get me wrongIm proud of where I came from. I used to get intimidated by the fact that I was from a small town until I realized that there are real people from all over the world who come from places you never heard of. You just never met them. And there are a lot of people who wonder how a guy like me who comes from the middle of America can make it in Hollywood and tour the world. Well, I can run through this shit for exactly one reason: because of how I came up.

But it wasnt easy. I know youve heard a lot of hard-shit stories. Im only responsible for mine. I had to become a chameleon. I learned to change up my looks and my attitude so I could move from one environment to another without being found out. Its the best training there is for being an actor. Or a serial killer. Luckily, I was just a good dude who made some bad mistakes.

Sometimes I feel like Ill never be able to relate well to all these people here in Hollywood who grew up with enough to eat, houses with doors that locked, and no jail cells slamming on you when youre sixteen. Sometimes I wish there was a way for each of us to see what the other sees. Not like I wish my life on anybody, but I think if we could all see each other, and where we came from, we might all get along better.

So thats the real point of my book: to tell you what Ive seen, how an underdog can prevail, and how I learned to have respect for all different upbringings. Ill start by saying that theres a reason not a lot of this shit has been written about before. Thats because very few people make it from tiny cities to the big ones. People from Naptown are hardworking, industrious folks who have big dreams of traveling the world and having nice things. A lot of people I knew from back there who got rich made their money in the streets.

I tried hustling, but I failed at it. Early in my comedy career, my first manager, Dave Klingman, called me an unsuccessful thug, and he was right. Youll read all about my life in crime; youll see that I couldnt shut up when I was robbing a drug dealer; youll hear about the time I couldnt get past a guard dog when I was burglarizing a house. I went to jail so many times that my brother told my mother I was doing it on purpose. An OG gangster told me in the streets one day, Youre too sensitive for crime. You gotta be born with this.

I often think that if my heart had been just a little bit colder, I would have stayed back there. And I would have died there in the streets.

Maybe you can tell from the subject matter: Writing this book wasnt easy for me. From when I was a little boy, I saw fucked-up shitshootings, ODs, rats attacking babiesthat still gives me nightmares.

And I feel guilty for being alive when so many of my friends are dead, buried back in Indianapolis, in Crown Hill Cemetery.

My time hasnt come yet. Ill see them again.

But why did I live and they didnt?

I went to a therapist once, years ago, when I was starting out in show business. She said, What makes you different from other people, Mike? What makes you special?

I shrugged. I didnt have an answer for her then.

Now I do.

I get my strength from Naptown. Being from there makes me special. And what makes me different?

I got out.