Helen Knott - In My Own Moccasins: A Memoir of Resilience

advance praise for In My Own Moccasins

Helen Knott speaks truth to the experience of Indigenous women living through the violence of colonized spaces, and she does so with grace, beauty, and a ferocity that makes me feel so proud. Leanne Betasamosake Simpson , author of This Accident of Being Lost

Helen writes beautifully and painfully, about her own life and the lives of many of our sisters. A strong, gentle voice removing the colonial blanket and exposing truth. Maria Campbell , author of Halfbreed

An incredible debut that documents how trauma and addiction can be turned into healing and love. I am in awe of Helen Knott and her courage. I am a fan for life. Wow.
Richard Van Camp , author of The Lesser Blessed

Heartfelt, heartbreaking, triumphant, and raw, In My Own Moccasins is a must-read for anyone whos ever felt lost in their lifeActually, its a must-read for anyone who appreciates stories of struggle, redemption and healing. Knotts writing is confident, clear, powerful, and inspiring. Jowita Bydlowska , author of Guy: A Novel and Drunk Mom

Powerful and unsettling, In My Own Moccasins shies away from nothing, enacting Knotts claims that writing brings healing. Foreword Reviews

I am heartbroken, moved, heartened, enraged, and enlightened. Susan Scott , The New Quarterly

This powerful memoir proclaims healing a revolutionary act, and emotions a sign of strength. Knotts complex portrait evokes empathy for those struggling with addiction and opens a window into a story that makes space to tell abuse survivors they are not alone, it is not their fault, and she will remember them. Booklist

Powerful, filled with emotion. Carol Daniels , author of Bearskin Diary and Hiraeth

A beautiful rendering of how recovery for our peoples is inevitably about reconnecting with Indigenous identities, lands, cultural and healing practices. Kim Anderson , author of Reconstructing Native Womenhood

In My Own Moccasins

A Memoir of Resilience

Helen Knott

2019 Helen Knott

All rights reserved. No part of this work covered by the copyrights hereon may be reproduced or used in any form or by any meansgraphic, electronic, or mechanicalwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. Any request for photocopying, recording, taping or placement in information storage and retrieval systems of any sort shall be directed in writing to Access Copyright.

Printed and bound in Canada at Friesens. The text of this book is printed on 100% post-consumer recycled paper with earth-friendly vegetable-based inks.

Cover and text design: Duncan Noel Campbell

Copy editor: Alison Jacques, Proofreader: Donna Grant

Cover art: Portrait of Helen Knott (detail) by Tenille Campbell
Feather glyph: by Karla Design from the Noun Project.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Title: In my own moccasins : a memoir of resilience / Helen Knott.

Names: Knott, Helen, 1987- author. | Robinson, Eden, writer of foreword.

Series: Regina collection ; 11.

Description: Series statement: The Regina collection ; 11 | Foreword by Eden Robinson.

Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20190105445 | Canadiana (ebook) 20190105461 |
ISBN 9780889776449 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780889776456 ( PDF ) | ISBN 9780889776463 ( HTML )

Subjects: LCSH : Knott, Helen, 1987- | CSH : Native womenBritish ColumbiaBiography. | LCSH : Recovering addictsBritish ColumbiaBiography. | LCSH : Victims of crimesBritish ColumbiaBiography. | CSH : Native womenCanadaSocial conditions | CSH : Native peoplesCanadaSocial conditions. | LCGFT : Autobiographies.

Classification : LCC E78.B9 K56 2019 | DDC 971.1004/970092dc23

Saskatchewan, Canada, S4S 0A2
tel: (306) 585-4758 fax: (306) 585-4699
web: www.uofrpress.ca

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We acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts for our publishing program. We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada. / Nous reconnaissons lappui financier du gouvernement du Canada. This publication was made possible with support from Creative Saskatchewans Book Publishing Production Grant Program.

content warning

This memoir has content related to addiction and sexual violence. It is sometimes graphic and can be triggering for readers. If you are a survivor of sexualized violence, addiction, or intergenerational trauma and find yourself triggered, please be gentle with yourself.

With the exception of my own name and the names of my parents, all other names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals Ive encountered on my journey.

Offering and Dedication

My truth is all that I have. Truth is my offering.

This is for the women who cannot remember and for those who choose not to.

To the women who still believe that it is all their fault. To the women who have been abused and violated and then forced to wear the heavy garment of shame afterward. To the women whose spirits are struggling to hold light. To the women who have had the gift of life taken from them. To the women whose lines between consensual and forced are blurred by societys perceptions of them. To the women who suffer silently and slip away, leaving their stories untold. To the women who feel as though they deserved it, who were told that they asked for it by their manner, their speech, or their dress. To the women who have been forced to forget because of others who refuse to remember. To the women who have forgotten that they have the right to say no. To the women whose bodies hold tales no living creature should ever be told.

I give you this acknowledgement for your memories. I give you soft-spoken prayers for your healing and courage for your spirits.

I give this in hopes that you remember that you are worth a thousand horses.

I remember.

This is my offering.

Helen Knott, October 8, 20

Contents

Foreword
By Eden Robinson

In January 206, I was following the protests of BC Hydros Site C Dam in the Northeast corner of British Columbias Peace River Valley. Through mutual acquaintances, I noticed Helen Knotts posts appearing in my Facebook feed. Helen, a young Indigenous woman, was about to set up the Rocky Mountain Fort protest against Site C along with farmers who were also going to be impacted by the impending construction and flooding.

As my fathers reserve had been slated to be the terminus of the Enbridge Northern Gateway pipeline, and wed been fighting it for what felt like forever, I was deeply invested in the Rocky Mountain Fort protest camp, and especially with Helen Knott. Her writing was immediate, heartfelt, and powerful. She contextualized her connection with her land so poetically that, when the protest ended and the camp was logged, I was gut-wrenched. I have followed Helen Knott since, and she is a powerhouse.

What an honour to be asked to write this foreword. In a time when new Indigenous authors are blazing through the literary heavens, this memoir shows her not only to be a gifted writer but also a compelling leader, an emerging matriarch unafraid of engaging with the political machinery of Canada and the world.

In My Own Moccasins never flinches. The story goes dark, and then darker. We live in an era where Indigenous women routinely go missing, our youth are killed and disposed of like trash, and the road to justice doesnt seem to run through the rez. Knotts journey is familiar, filled with the fallout of residential school, racial injustice, alcoholism, drugs, and despair. But she skillfully draws us along and opens up her life, her family, and her communities to show us a way forward. Its the best kind of memoir: clear-eyed, generous, and glorious. As she grows into her strength she writes: