Sarah Edmondson - Scarred: The True Story of How I Escaped NXIVM, the Cult that Bound My Life

Text copyright 2019 by Sarah Edmondson.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

ISBN: 978-1-4521-8426-5 hardcover
ISBN: 978-1-7972-0146-7 ebook

Manufactured in the United States of America.

Interior design by Pamela Geismar.
Typesetting by Maureen Forys, Happenstance Type-O-Rama.
Cover design by Sara Schneider.

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Chronicle Prism is an imprint of Chronicle Books LLC,
680 Second Street, San Francisco, California 94107

www.chronicleprism.com

To my beautiful boysyou have taught me what love really is.

I hope one day, when you are old enough, you will read this and be proud of your mama.

And to my husband, who made me laugh and find light in the darkness.

I love you all.

This account is filled with friends and associates with whom I shared key moments and experiences during my twelve years in NXIVM.

Because of the federal case that has involved some of NXIVMs senior executives, or simply due to their personal preference to no longer be associated with the organization, some of those closest to me from this era of my life have requested not to have their names mentioned in this story. With my whole heart, I honor their wishes.

I also apologize to those who would have preferred to have remained anonymous but who have already been named in headlines in connection with my story. I have worked to protect your privacy, but because of the media attention around this case when I came forward and went to the FBI, I could no longer inform the narrative.

This story has been rendered to the best of my memory in the wake of these traumatic events. Some quotes have been reconstructed but always reflect the true essence of what was said, while other conversations and accounts were taken directly from the thousands of documents, videos, and audio files that we senior coaches in NXIVM were required to keep over the years.

As I work to regain my personal power and move past what happened, theres a special message I have for the friends and people close to me whom I became distant from or lost contact with over the years I was a proponent of NXIVMs practices: Im deeply sorry. Im working to start again. Hopefully my actions and all that I share in this book will be a step toward making amends as I begin to repair the impact my twelve-year journey had on those around me.

Its fading now

Reminds me that he never owned me.

Their silence.

Erodes the memories of our friendship

And leaves me naked.

Where was I before I met you?

Floating and eager

Too young to catch the flags.

My heart.

Open and pure.

I have love around my neck.

Me too.

Their voices merged around me.

And held my hand so I could speak

Before I leave to heal

I plant barbed wire between us.

And wrap myself in cashmere sheets.

Im back.

Ready for the leaves to turn

To start again.

Sarah Edmondson

Fall 2017

Go into the guest room and get naked.

I stare at hermy best friend, Lauren Salzmanas we stand inside her home. She was the maid of honor in my wedding; shes the godmother of my two-year-old son. Shes been my closest confidante for the decade-plus that Ive been involved with NXIVM, the person I would go to with my most personal challenges... but our relationship changed instantly just over a month ago when I accepted her invitation to participate in this secret circle of women, who, as Im about to learn, have all been recruited from the inside. We would fight to improve the world with our strength, she said, and hold each other accountable to our highest self-actualization. It was the womens empowerment I was looking for through a secret society, just like men have in organizations like the Masons. Yet from the moment I committed, I felt shed been taking things a little too far.

Naked?

Any resistance would be turned around and used as my issue. It would prove that Im entitled, or Lauren could say that Im mad-dogging, NXIVMs term for being defensive. Still, I cant help searching her face for more explanation. Why?

Sarah, Lauren says, you have to get over your body issues.

But my uncertainty in this moment has nothing to do with my body image. From all my time in this organization, I know this is how NXIVM works: anytime you question your coachs instructions, even if you totally disagree with what theyre saying, they twist your reaction and cause you to doubt your natural response to question your own sanity.

Later Ill understand that this was the structure to support the gaslighting method that has trained me away from adhering to my instincts throughout my twelve years in NXIVM. So instead, I listen to Lauren. Its just me, and women you know, she says, as if to make me feel more at ease, and closes the door.

I stand frozen for a moment after she leaves, aware of my bodys last-ditch attempt to protect my well-being and dash out that door. The hardwood floor creaks beneath my toes as I shift my balance to remove my jeans. Goosebumps radiate across my skin when I lift my top over my head and cradle myself in the cold.

Lauren invited me to this initiation ceremony to meet the group of women she referred to as my new sisters for the first time. But I dont know who will be present when I enter, apparently naked, or what well be expected to do. Lauren said wed all be receiving an identical tattoo the size of a dimethat wed all share. Ive never wanted a tattoo. As a wannabe hippie teenager, Id briefly considered a Celtic knot, then later, in my early twenties, a Wonder Woman emblem. Ive always been glad that I held off, as those symbols were merely passing phases, but a lifetime commitment. in my personal style. But now, wearing nothing, I take a seat on the bed and trust that this initiation process has been designed to bond us together as an elite squad of women. This tattoo represents my commitment to this mission, our mission, which is not a passing phase, but a lifetime commitment. We must raise all others as all others raise us.

Each time Ive recited this part of NXIVMs twelve-point mission statement, Ive proclaimed my ongoing commitment to improve myself in my effort to be at-cause in our world, taking full responsibility as the generator of every single experience in my life. Lauren has guaranteed that nothing could equip us with more strength than being initiated into this sisterhood. From what she says, this will be true empowerment.

Her guest bedroom is small and bright, the March afternoon sun surging through the windows and simultaneously highlighting my body for scrutiny. It was almost three years ago that I gave birth, and Ive returned to my pre-pregnancy sizebut standing naked inside someone elses home, I view my parts in imperfect fragments, like a stranger might. I examine the varicose veins on my legs, my uneven breasts, the little pouch on my belly that was washboard-flat before I had my son. As I sit gingerly on the bed, I hear Laurens footsteps on the stairsand then someone elses. I realize Ive just pulled the duvet off the bed to cover myself.