Collins - Sanity and grace: a journey of suicide, survival, and strength

Table of Contents

Additional Praise for Sanity and Grace

Judy Collins shares her pain and her faith with us so courageously that we are all left stronger and more hopeful for reading it.

RABBI HAROLD KUSHNER, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Sanity and Grace is a breath-stopping tale of pain; a superb treatise on the indelible, blighting aftereffects of suicide, and yet a profoundly affirming hymn to lifethe mundane, daily life of the body and the tremulous, hope-filled, at times exalted life of the spirit. Judy Collins has given us an achingly honest, powerful book.

MAGGIE SCARF, author of Intimate Partners

Judys story is a journey of the spirit and a powerful teacher proving that from adversity comes great opportunity... not just to survive what life sends our way, but to thrive in the sanity and grace that come from staying the course of recovery.

WILLIAM C . MOYERS, Head of Public Information, Hazelden Foundation

Brutally honest, eloquently written. Judy Collins shares her poignant journey of surviving her beloved sons suicide. She shows her passion for life, her struggle and courage to keep singing through and beyond the pain... to keep living. Her curiosity and indomitable spirit enhance the readers ability to achieve hope and to survive their own traumas... with sanity and grace.

IRIS BOLTON, author of My Son... My Son... A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide

Judy Collins was dealt one of lifes worst blows in the suicide of her beloved son, Clark. She has dealt with that tragedy heroically in her beautifully written book, Sanity and Grace. I was both moved to tears and filled with the most enormous admiration for her as she depicted the phases of grief that ultimately led to her ability to go on with her life. There is beauty in this book

DOMINICK DUNNE

In her intelligent and painful study, Judy examines every aspect of suicide. She does so comprehensively, from the vantage of one whose only son killed himself... and of one who herself is filled with tendencies.The references beyond herself are exhaustively researched and will sound a chord in every reader, because every reader hasto some extentheard the self-destructive call. In Sanity and Grace Judy Collins has written an achingly human book. It is painful, sweet, and redemptive. Out of her own devastation, she has created beauty and solace. She gives comfort, hope. She gives herself. Which is a gift both rich and of extraordinary tenderness.

JERROLD MUNDIS, author of Gerhardts Children and the Dogs

Judys book showed me what I did not know I knew. It did not change me so much as reveal me to myself.

NED ROREM

Judy Collins has written a delicate and powerful book on a delicate and powerful subject. Her words pour the balm of compassion on victim and survivor alike.

JULIA CAMERON, author of The Artists Way

Once again, Judy provides us with light, love, and directions for a dark subject that requires her unique voice.

JEANNETTE MASON, psychotherapist, author, survivor, and founder of Survivors of Loved Ones Suicide

ALSO BY JUDY COLLINS:

JEREMY P.TARCHER PENGUIN
A MEMBER OF
PENGUIN GROUP (USA) INC.
NEW YORK

To Chuck, my father,
whose inner vision was perfect.

To Clark, my son,
who saw so much.

To Hollis, my granddaughter,
the apple of my eye,
who will see the world in a new way.

Acknowledgments

My thanks to Al Lowman, my agent, who has believed in this book and helped me believe in it; BG Dillworth at Authors and Artists; Joel Fotinos, my publisher at Tarcher, who gave me such strong and consistent support; Allison Sobel, my editor; Victoria Pearson, copyeditor; George Furth, who supported me with his insight and humor in every way, and also led me to Professor Edwin Shneidman; Katherine De Paul, my gifted assistant and Major Domo; Bridget Maybury and everyone at Rocky Mountain Productions and Wildflower Records; Kelly Groves, my publicist at Tarcher; Shoena Valeska, photographer; Jerry Mundis, my writing coach, who insisted I keep writing when I wanted to put this book away and never see it again; Julia Cameron, who believed in this book. I am grateful to my beloved family, near and farmy mother, Marjorie; sister, Holly; brothers Denver, David, and Michael; stepfather Robert; my brother-in-law, sisters-in-law, nephews, nieces, and extended family; Hollis, Clarks daughter and my granddaughter, and Holliss maternal familyher mother Alyson, grandmother Sandy, and aunt Robin; Peter Taylor, Clarks father; Hadley Taylor Fisk, my former sister-in-law and friend; Gary Taylor, Clarkes uncle; Maryanne Goodman and the memory of Clarks cousin, Luke; and all Clarks paternal family.

I also wish to extend thanks to Iris Bolton, Joan Rivers, Gloria Vanderbilt, Patricia Bosworth, Mariette Hartley, A. Alvarez, Geo Stone, and Sue Chance, who had the courage to write about their experiences with suicide, and all who have lived through both the secrets and the survival of suicide with open hearts and great courage. Warmest appreciation to my friends, especially Susan Cheever, Jeanette Mason, Loretta Barrett, Nancy Bacal, Virginia Dwan, Jane Cecil, Virginia Mailman, and Erica Jong, who have read the book in its many stages, and given me the confidence to finish. Thanks, as well, to Muriel Lloyd for lending back my watercolor for the book jacket!

And to my best friend and husband, Louis Nelson. I love you.

Thank you all. I could not have done this without you.

I have written Sanity and Grace to shed more light upon the dark taboo of suicide. The suicide of my son was devastating beyond words, yet here I am again, trying to put everything I know or have read or heard or thought about suicide into words, for my own healing as well as that of others.

In writing and thinking about the subject, it has become clear to me that even with the popularity of books and movies about suicide, such as The Hours and Savage God, and the dedicated work of survivors and professionals alike, the taboo is strong and growing. It is my hope that Sanity and Grace may bring hope to those who are in need of solutions for suicidethat is, finally, to all of us.

When my son died, I made the decision that I would live every day as if it were my lastevery moment to the hilt. As the years since my sons death have passed, and I have continued to grow and create, the question often arises from friends or acquaintances, What are you working on at the moment? Among the records and new songs, the television specials and other gifts that life has offered, seemingly more after my sons awful passing, I answer that I am also working on the subject of suicidemy own experiences, as well as othersa sort of monograph of tears but also of research on loss, and lessons from other survivors. A gasp often greets this information, then a tone of recognition and perhaps fear. Then, if the talk continues, people remember their suicidethe one in the family no one ever mentioned but everyone sensed, the dark, forbidden territory of the psyche, the mother, child, the father, cousin, the sister, the friend. What follows is usually deep and curious, like walking on the moon, and then strangely familiar, like walking in your own living room. I have found that people want and need to explore this subject in their own lives, that the discussion brings needed reliefto all of us. For we all, being human, have some suicide story in our past or our future.