Johnson - Resilient

IM 32 YEARS OLD, Im at the top of my mark and my heart is pounding. I am so nervous Im just holding my breath. Its all come down to this. It feels like everything I have ever tried to achieve in cricket is on the line. I get it right now or I limp away with my tail between my legs. I know if I stuff this up I will be written off as a cricketer. Its the second morning of the first Test in Brisbane and we have our first chance to bowl at England. I feel like its my first Test match. If I could breathe out, I might be able to breathe in, but I cant seem to do either.

A lot of people have already written me off and are wondering how I got back. People are asking themselves which Mitchell Johnson will show up today and have been all week in the lead-up to the game. Will it be the one who was dropped after the last Ashes match in Brisbane when he failed to get a wicket? The one who got 0170 in that game? Or the one who bounced back in Perth three weeks later and took 982 in the third Test?

Will it be the one who broke both of Graeme Smiths hands (sorry about that) and terrorised South Africa, or the one who the Barmy Army wrote that song about? You know the one: He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson, his bowling is shite. I am asking myself the same question.

Ashes performances define a cricketer. Almost all Australian and English Test players are measured by how they go in the Ashes. Whats the thing you remember most about Warne? Id guess its the Gatting ball. Or his performance in 2005. Matthew Hayden, Glenn McGrath, Justin Langer and all the legends who retired in 200607 are remembered because they won that last series 50 after slipping up in England in 2005. Some bloke called Pratt is remembered because he ran out Ricky Ponting at Trent Bridge. He never played a Test match, but he did that. Mark Taylor, Steve Waugh, Allan Border all stood up to be counted on this stage. I am judged by my failure in England in 2009 and my struggles in the years after that. But redemption is possible and now is my moment to prove it.

Ryan Harris has bowled the first over and now I am running in from the Stanley Street end bowling to Michael Carberry. If I am completely honest I am a nervous wreck. Im shitting myself. I dont know if I have ever felt it this much. Maybe its because this is my chance to change everything. If only I could calm down and breathe!

I know what the team expects because our plans are clear and simple. I have to bowl fast in short spells. Push the batsmans weight back with short balls. Make sure they are in the wrong position when there is one pitched up to drive. When the tail comes in I rattle their cage.

I have been out of the side for most of the past two years. Ive only played four Tests since breaking down in South Africa. I got my body right quickly enough, but there were questions about me and they werent just about my bowling. Some didnt think I was up to the job mentally. I understood that. They didnt pick me for the last Ashes and I reckon that was part of the reason.

I know I have done the work, I know I can do it, but when you have failed once before theres always that element of doubt. Controlling those negative voices is hard work.

The Gabba was my home ground and it is a place I love to bowl at, but I have never felt tension like this. Its humid like it always is and the sun is belting down. There is never any breeze in this ground; its almost suffocating at times. I am sweating so much its hard to grip the ball. There are over 30,000 here at the ground and theyve been warmed up by a day and a bit of our batting. Ive had some fun with the bat, but thats not my job.

Come on, tough it out, I tell myself. Dennis Lillee has me working on that tough concept. He spells it TUFF; its to remind me of a couple of little elements Tall, Upright, Front arm, Follow through but I have adapted it slightly. There are two marks on the ground that I have measured out this morning. My run-up proper starts at 25.6 metres but I take off from 26.6 metres. Process. Its all down to processes.

When the field is settled and Carberry nods, I run the measured distance to the back crease and let the first one go. Bugger! Its a full toss down the leg side. Theres a hint of a groan from the Australian fans, an early cheer from the Poms. The Australian fans outnumber them but seem as anxious as I am and I can almost hear the Barmy Army clearing their throats.

I tell myself its not a big deal to spray the first one. I am going to bowl bad balls. Everyone in the world knows I am not a land-it-on-a-coin-hit-the-top-of-off bowler. If you want control, get a sweat band swinger (thats what the fast bowling cartel calls them). The scoreboard says it was travelling at 144 km/h, which is good pace. And I want to bowl fast. If I cant do that I dont want to bowl. Back to the top of the mark and I try again. Better line this time, but the third ball is full and down leg again and Alastair Cook comes on strike as Carberry takes a single to fine leg. Fourth ball is full and fast on middle stump and Cook digs it out. Next one is full but drifting down leg and he flicks it away for a couple of runs. I tempt him with one outside off with the last but he isnt interested. I reckon I got through the whole over without taking a breath, but it hasnt gone too badly. Pace is good, line and length are not so great, but Ive had worse.