Reid - The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

Warmest thanks to Jeanette Perez and all at Avon and Transworld UK. Thanks also to my friends, family, and Dietgirl readers for your kindness and support.

January 15

Half the population of Canberra was in the queue at Weight Watchers, spilling out through the door and down the footpath. We were a motley crew of plump-cheeked grannies, haggard mothers, and besuited public servants, united in our determination and/or desperation to make 2001 the Year of Fighting the Flab.

I noted that I was the largest in the line. Thats the first rule of Fat Clubwhen entering a room, you have to see if theres someone bigger than yourself, because that could make you feel slightly better. But no such luck for me tonight, just as it always seems to be these days.

I craned my neck to get a look at the scale. It was one of those old-fashioned mechanical ones, metallic and clunky. It appeared to have a 308-pound maximum capacity. I tallied up all those bowls of Christmas pudding and leftover roast potatoes and had a sickly feeling I was heavier.

Too fat for the scale. I hadnt considered that possibility when Id boldly declared I was finally going to Do Something About My Weight. I was going to be one of those sad cases you see on the news, so gigantic that they have to be taken down to a heavy vehicle weighing station to line up with cattle trucks and school buses.

I turned around and headed toward the door. But my sister Rhiannon, who had volunteered to tag along, grabbed my arm and thwarted my escape.

Lets wait until after the meeting and get weighed when everyone else has gone.

We sat in the back row as the meeting leader began her talk. Her name was Donna and she seemed lovely. She had to be lovely. I desperately wanted her to have all the answers.

They were still weighing the New Years Resolutionists long after the meeting finished, giving me plenty of time to panic. Finally the room was completely empty, save for Donna and her two assistants manning the scale. Even as Rhiannon stepped on, I still contemplated running away. Or waddling away, if you must be technical. But I knew if I ran Id just wake up tomorrow feeling even worse than I do today.

Rhiannon was informed she had a measly fourteen pounds to lose. She squeezed my hand and smiled. Your turn.

Hop on, darling! said the weigh lady.

I cant. I could feel tears gathering. I think Im too big.

Too big? She looked confused. For the scale, you mean? It has quite a generous capacity!

I know. I stared at my feet. But I think Im bigger than that.

She called Donna over and they whispered discreetly. They rummaged around in a cupboard and found an extra weight to hang on the scale, increasing its capacity to 270 pounds. It took them ten minutes to find it, because theyd never needed it before. It was buried under a musty pile of discontinued cookbooks.

My face burned with shame as I climbed on. The scale rattled and groaned as Donna fiddled with the weights and tried to make it balance.

You look like youre about to crack up! She patted my arm. Dont worry. Were here to help you!

The scale finally settled as I fought back sobs.

Im not going to tell you what the scale read, said Donna as I stepped back down. Ill write it on your card but lets not worry about numbers or targets or anything like that for now. You made the first big step coming tonight. Lets just take it slowly from here.

They were all looking at me with encouraging, sympathetic smiles. Why were they being so kind? I didnt deserve kindness. Anyone who needed the Special Scale didnt deserve kindness. I was so huge she didnt even want to tell me how much I weighed! I fled into a corner and hid among the pedometers and point free sweeties.

Donna came over and hugged me. The warmth of her gesture unraveled me, and I finally felt the enormity of what I had done to my body.

Youre going to be OK, she said as I bawled uncontrollably. Youre not alone.

I couldnt speak, except to mumble Sorry over and over.

I cried in the car the whole way home.

Donna is right, Rhiannon said kindly. Tonight was the toughest step. It can only get better from here, I promise.

But Id seen the number written on that card: 351 pounds.

Three hundred fifty-one pounds! And Im five feet eight inches tall, so I need to lose half my body weight just to be considered remotely healthy.

How could one woman weigh so much? Three hundred fifty-one pounds is not just the equivalent of two people stapled together its practically the equivalent of two fat people stapled together!

Now its almost midnight. The tears have dried and Im cradling a cup of diet hot chocolate as I write this; the first entry in my brand new, top secret weblog. I am carrying so much shame and disgust that Ive got to let it all out somehow.

I am going to call it The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl. I like the idea of being an obese superhero, trussed up in Lycra and hiding behind a mask. Theres a distinct shortage of fat superheroes out there, far slower than speeding bullets and unable to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

I also know it will take some sort of miraculous superhero effort if Im going to banish over 180 pounds. If theres one thing I have taken from today, its that you have to be your own superhero. I dont want to feel as bad as I did tonight ever again. The only one who can rescue me from this big fat mess is me.

You may be wondering, how is it possible to weigh over 300 pounds and wear size 24 knickers at the ripe old age of twenty-three?

Ive been asking myself the same question, so I probably should explain how I managed to acquire such a depressing set of statistics.

I cant remember a time when I didnt feel fat. I dont know how or why it started, but the thoughts were always hovering below the surface.

The first moment of awareness came when I was five years old and starting a new school. My mother held my hand as we walked up the front path. Bees were droning in the bottlebrush shrubs in rhythm with my pounding heart, and all I could think was, Theyre going to hate me because Im fat.

I grew up on a farm near a town called Cowra in the heart of rural New South Wales, with Mum, Rhiannon, and my stepfather, and we always ate healthy home-cooked meals. There were fresh vegetables from our garden, fruit from our trees, and tasty sheep and cows that had made the noble journey from our front paddock to the freezer. It was the sort of wholesome country lifestyle people get all misty-eyed about these days, but it never felt that good. Food was never just food in our household.

I was always a painfully insecure and nervous kid. My parents divorced when I was very young and their relationship was strained. Things were volatile between my mother and stepfather too, so I was always trapped in the middle of one conflict or another.

I spent my childhood with fear and dread constantly gnawing at my insides. It was like living at the foot of a volcano. Thered be long cold months where Rhiannon and I crept around the house, desperately trying not to disturb the ominous calm. Our bodies were always tense and alert to signs of trouble, any tiny changes in the atmosphere or the slightest tremble of the earth. I thought if I could just be a good child, quiet and obedient and perfect, then Id be able to prevent the next eruption.

But something always set them off again. Id be despondent for making a mistake, wanting to tear my hair out for being so foolish. It could be as simple as a sideways glance at the television during dinner instead of keeping our eyes on our plates, or not doing the dishes the very instant after our meal, or not sweeping the crumbs on the kitchen floor in the right way. These incidents would escalate and explode beyond all reason for days on end.