James Jeffrey - My family and other animus

MELBOURNE UNIVERSITY PRESS

An imprint of Melbourne University Publishing Limited

Level 1, 715 Swanston Street, Carlton, Victoria 3053, Australia

www.mup.com.au

First published 2018

Text James Jeffrey, 2018

Design and typography Melbourne University Publishing Limited, 2018

This book is copyright. Apart from any use permitted under the Copyright Act 1968 and subsequent amendments, no part may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means or process whatsoever without the prior written permission of the publishers.

Every attempt has been made to locate the copyright holders for material quoted in this book. Any person or organisation that may have been overlooked or misattributed may contact the publisher.

Text and typesetting by Typeskill
Cover design by Peter Long
Printed in Australia by McPhersons Printing Group

9780522872767 (paperback)

9780522872774 (ebook)

For Daisy and Leo

I WAS EIGHT-AND-A-HALF YEARS old the first time I saw a knife raised in anger. It was hard to know what to pay more attention to in the moment: the light glinting off the blade, or the

Hang on, this isnt right.

This is meant to be a book of uplift and joy, of wisdom gleaned from mistakes, of a heart finally softened into a state of understanding about the errors of those who went before. I absolutely cannot start with that knife. Yes, it was a very theatrical moment, as threats of live organ removal in a domestic setting tend to be. And yes, with the benefit of hindsight it was, in addition to being monumentally awful, an education. But it really doesnt feel like quite the right first step in our adventure together in these pages.

Lets begin, instead, with a kiss.

This story started out, to all intents and purposes, as an explanation to my children as to why their parents kiss so much. More specifically, why they kiss so much in front of them. And it is very true to say that they are in search of explanation.

Often when my wife, Bel, and I get caught up in the moment, our daughter, Daisy, rolls her teenage eyeballs so hard you can almost hear them. Our son, Leo, himself now entering the hormonal minefield of high school, tends to assume an expression that captures elements of both horror and amusement. And up goes the cry: Mum! Dad! Stop it! Their tolerance dips even lower when physical desire manifests itself at the table during dinner, even more so when they have friends visiting. Honestly, kids today. And yet I can tell that at some level they secretly like that we are this way.

As far as I see it, there are two main ingredients: mad love, and for my part, the driving instinct never to come close to replicating the wasteland my parents called their marriage. Fear of repetition can be a very powerful thing, and sidestepping every element that went into making that cataclysm has been one of the guiding forces through my life. No part of the carcass has been wasted.

But its not the only guiding force.

One day at The Australian, the newspaper for which I write, I was asked to cough up a few rules for a better life. Rules arent really my vibe; I prefer to think of what I came up with that night (with the aid of a fiscally responsible cabernet sauvignon) as a grab bag of twenty-one modest suggestions. I have yet to lead by example on the first one, and I have some regrets about not including TISMs Greg! The Stop Sign!! as a possible alternative in No. 6. But the rest feel about right:

Get rid of your smartphone before it devours your life.

Do not eat while on the phone. Chewing into the mouthpiece is a sign that you, as the representative of an old and proud civilisation, are on the verge of collapse.

Leave the music device at home once in a while and throw yourself on the mercy of radio.

If you have kids, make sure they see the love flowing between their parents. Dont be afraid to embarrass them a little.

Do something you wouldnt ordinarily do: go to a footy game or sit in the dark with a bottle of red and listen to a symphony from start to finish.

Start all road trips with AC/DCs It's a Long Way to the Top.

Go to the outback on a moonless night, spread out a picnic blanket and lie under the horizon-to-horizon stars. Your sense of perspective will come out of it the winner.

Spend time in the company of animals.

Treat your native tongue like an Aston Martin and dont pootle along in second gear.

Dont talk endlessly about bacon; we get it.

Surprise friends with gifts that arent tied to any particular occasion.

Unless you are dangerously tone deaf, join a big choir and sing Handels Messiah at least once in your life; its a wonderful way to immerse yourself in the mind of a genius.

Refrain from eating at the cinema. You really should be able to get through two hours without enriching the soundtrack with a noise like a wall full of tropical termites.

The word inappropriate has been destroyed; give its shattered remains a wide berth.

Theres no TV show that cant be improved by watching it from a bubble bath while drinking whisky.

If you absolutely must pick a fight, dont be anonymous.

If you think bearing grudges is a good use of your time, travel through the Balkans.

See Bronwyn Bishops hair in person and marvel anew at our species capacities.

Letting your heart triumph over your head isnt necessarily weakness.

Try to find the sweetness amid the sorrow, but not vice versa.

Dont be a dick.

Recently, Daisy informed me that she and her schoolfriends had stumbled upon the list. I was both chuffed by this, and a little apprehensive. As I sat down to listen to her take on it, I hoped that she would zero in on No. 4, the one emphasising the importance of parents letting their kids see the love flow between them. I wanted her to quiz me on why this was so important. I wanted her to demand why I thought it was even remotely acceptable for mothers and fathers to embarrass their offspring. I wanted her to ask why it hadnt been at the very top of the list when that would clearly have been in my nature. I wanted to explain that Id wanted to build up to it a little bit rather than have it peak too early. I wanted to

We all loved the last one, Daisy said. Dont be a dick.

But I could tell she was thinking about No. 4. Really.

That we are surrounded by silver linings and little bursts of magic was something I began exploring in my Home Truths columns in The Australian, many of which appear here in one shape or another. I wanted to find the lessons that life, home and family have handed out along the way. I wanted to ponder the unending conveyor belt of ingredients that goes into the work-in-progress that is us. I wanted to celebrate the big joys and all the happinesses that are so tiny we can blink and miss them as they vanish in the maelstroms of our existence. I wanted to embrace family and the very blessing of being alive. And where need be, I wanted to find the flowers blossoming amid the ruins.

In My Family and Other Animus