Rhys Darby - This Way to Spaceship

THIS WAY TO SPACESHIP

Rhys Darby

Hachette Australia

In association with PQ Blackwell

Produced and originated by PQ Blackwell Limited

116 Symonds Street, Auckland 1010, New Zealand

www.pqblackwell.com

Copyright Rhys Darby 2012. All worldwide rights reserved.

Concept and design copyright 2012 PQ Blackwell Limited

All images courtesy Rhys Darby except author portrait copyright Kate Little and photo preceding Chapter 11 copyright HBO/Paul Schiraldi.

Editor: Geoff Walker

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Hello everyone.

Its me, Rhys Darby, coming at you in the style of the written word like never before.

This is my first fully fledged book. My initial idea was to write a book that you could really sink your teeth into. Yes, thats right, an edible book a concept I thought could teach, entertain and feed the needy, thus saving the world.

Unfortunately the idea was shit-canned due to the unbelievable amount of preservatives required to maintain the fruit pages, not to mention the disappointing thought of all the half-eaten copies left in the library.

So that said, here is this book a more regular-type book.

But why have I written this book, huh? Well, why does a man do anything? Perhaps to broaden ones horizons. How are your horizons looking?

To be honest, I really started to panic when I heard the world was going to end back in 2012. Its not that Im unusually susceptible to the scriptures of ancient prophesies combined with the marvel of modern commercial marketing its just that with the effects of global warming and the barrage of natural disasters of late I thought I should take heed of the Boy Scout motto and Be Prepared.

Its all very well laughing off these things. But remember the boy who cried wolf? Well, I dont want to be that kid. He was eaten. Wasnt he? Was he?

My imagination got the better of me one night as I was drifting off to sleep in my usual fashion, listening to my whale sounds CD. I suddenly had a thought.

What if in the near future our oceans flooded the continents? The earth would become a waterworld! Fish egg would be firmly on the face of those fools who scoffed at Kevin Costners aquatic masterpiece of the mid-90s.

The next day I woke up and immediately bought a small boat.

Then at night I decided to stop drifting off to sleep to the sound of whales. It was causing irrational fear and a sizable hole in my bank account. (I also bought a full deep-sea diving suit to go with the boat.) Instead I drifted off to sleep listening to the ambience of my new CD entitled Planets Exploding.

I think the powers that be are preparing for the end of the world, even if we arent. I think the super power countries have built spaceships. Theyve built them to evacuate certain people from the planet when it explodes.

And who are these certain people? VIPs, thats who. People who are Very Important. People who have made themselves famous in their fields. People who own fields! Im not just talking about farmers, Im talking about anyone who has legitimately made it BIG. So now is the time before its too late. 21 December 2012 was a big wake-up call for all of us. Even though nothing happened, (actually, thats not strictly true my youngest son Theo turned three), we should learn from massive situations that dont eventuate. Now is the time to get off your ass or arse (depending on where youre from) and do whatever it takes to make sure youre on that spaceship invite list.

Id like to think that Im personally well on my way there. So out of the goodness of my heart I have written this book to help you get there too.

It is essentially a sort of guide, a handbook, a footbook, an autobiographical life manual complete with drawings that will hopefully inspire you to join me in the quest to make it big before the world ends!

SECTION 1

GETTING NOTICED

CHAPTER 1

BEING SHEEPISH

Apparently there are over seven billion humans living on the planet. Thats a lot of socks. Imagine how many pairs of white sports socks there must be?

I prefer to wear more interesting socks than white sport socks. When people first see me sometimes the first thing they see are my socks. Especially if Im naked and only wearing socks. But more about that in the sexy fashion section.

Getting noticed is an odd thing. After all, were pretty much told from birth that we should blend in with the crowd. Be part of a group. I guess that group is called humans. Its important to know the difference between humans and other groups like sheep. Especially if you come from New Zealand as I do. Were brought up on sheep, literally.

I rode a sheep when I was ten years old in a rodeo show. It was basically the kids version of the bucking bronco. I lasted the eight seconds and won a prize. Guess what the prize was? A leg of lamb.

I might as well get the sheep jokes out straight away. The last thing I want is you getting through half the book without a sheep joke. Where are the sheep jokes? youll be yelling. In New Zealand we see sheep all the time. A lot of kids are brought up on farms and so deal with sheep every day. But even us cool city folk see sheep as soon as were out of town (which takes twenty minutes). Theyre everywhere.

Heres the thing with sheep: they all look the same, and theyre okay with that. Not only are they okay with looking the same, theyre also okay with acting the same. In fact, its their motto in life:

Dont stick out. Dont get noticed. Follow the bloke next to you.

The human group isnt like that. Sure theres a little bit of that going on. We basically all look the same, i.e. human-ish. (No offence, Elephant Man.) But its our capability to be original that sets us apart from other farm animals.

I was brought up as a small child. In fact, I was the last child in a set of five. I was the very last by way of a nine-year gap. Yes, thats right I was a mistake.

I have three sisters and one brother. Those four siblings are all fairly similar in age. A couple of years apart or something. I havent bothered to check. But I can confirm that my brother Paul, who is closest to me in age, is nine years older than me. Yes, thats right. NINE years older than me. Lets count that out:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. Thats how many years we are apart.

What the hell were my parents doing in those nine years? Enjoying the four children they had? They had a nice family. Ive seen the photos. They even lived on a farm for a while and took baby cows (calves I think theyre called) to school.

I actually think there was a bit of marriage trouble in that time. Maybe at the seventh or eighth year mark. Anyway, I reckon they broke up after a big fight and then for some reason got back together and made up in the ninth year. Thats when I was CONCEIVED!

Something happened in 1973 that mustve sparked off a night of passion. Im going to google it and find out