Melanie Chisholm - Who I Am: My Story

To each and every fan thank you for everything x

Contents

WARNING

This book discusses frank and frequent feelings and experiences around mental illness, anorexia and binge eating disorder, as well as anxiety and depression, and may trigger or evoke trauma for some readers. If you are experiencing similar feelings and need someone to talk to, here are some recommended services:

Calm Support for those feeling suicidal as well as those worried about someone.

Thecalmzone.net or call 0800 58 58 58 (from 5 pm until mid-night, 365 days a year)

Mind For information and advice on mental health problems.

Mind.org.uk or call 0300 123 3393 (from 9 am until 6 pm, Monday to Friday except bank holidays)

Shout Free, 24/7 mental health text support.

Text Shout on 85258 (24 hours a day, 365 days a year)

The Samaritans If youre having a difficult time, feel suicidal or are concerned about someone.

Samaritans.org or call 116 123 (24 hours a day)

As an ally and advocate for LGBTQIA+ people, here are some fantastic organisations Id like to recommend for those that may need support:

Akt For LGBTQIA+ 1625-year-olds facing or experiencing homelessness or living in a hostile environment.

Akt.org.uk for live chat (Monday to Friday)

Stonewall Help and advice for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans-gender people.

Stonewall.org.uk or contact freephone 0800 0502020 (from 9.30 am to 4.30 pm, Monday to Friday)

Mermaids Charity and advocacy support for transgender, non-binary and gender-diverse children, young people and their families.

Mermaidsuk.org.uk or call 0808 801 0400 (from 9 am to 9 pm, Monday to Friday)

FOR AUSTRALIA:

Lifeline Crisis support line (24-hour) 13 11 14

Beyond Blue Mental health support line (24-hour) 1300 22 4636

QLife Counselling for LGBTQIA+ people (3pm midnight) 1800 184 527

FOR NEW ZEALAND:

Lifeline Aoteaoa Crisis support line (24-hour) 0800 543 354

Outline New Zealand Rainbow specialist and trans peer support (6pm 9pm) 0800 688 5463

Summer 2021 and Im getting a few bits down the shops. Im just beginning the process of thinking about whether or not I should write this book. This very one that you currently hold in your hands.

The decision, alongside the COVID-19 pandemic that has dominated all our lives for nearly 18 months, is leading me to reflect on my life in a way I havent had the time, or space, to do, until now. The restrictions put in place due to Coronavirus have started to lift in my part of the world. Im in North London my adopted home since the early nineties and theres a sense of expectation, of new beginnings, in the air.

Are you finally getting some normality back in your life now? said the man behind the counter as I pay for my shopping. To be honest, I replied, the thought striking me quite suddenly there and then in the middle of my local greengrocers, since I was 22 years old, my life has been far from normal.

As I started to seriously think about telling my story, the nerves and doubts continued, tapping into a lot of my insecurities. Who wants to read about me? Im not interesting. Why would anyone care? Who am I to think Ive got something to say?

I was also very wary about exploring and explaining my life in such detail, because there was a lot of painful stuff to unearth. I had recently begun a phone hacking case against certain parts of the British tabloid press and as part of that process Id had to read through hundreds of old press clippings. Going back over what was written about me in the nineties and noughties sent me into a dark space for several days. I knew that even thinking about writing certain chapters of my memoir could do the same. Did I have it in me to face it, to confront it, to recover from it?

The tabloid attention that surrounds the release of an auto-biography is another type of scrutiny that I had to consider. At best, the intrusion over the last three decades has made me unhappy; at worst, its contributed to me being very unwell. Do I want to re-live those levels of attention? Do I want to open myself up to headlines, hypotheses, attention and analysis once more?

Then I started to think about what could be gained from this, about the positive effect that writing a book could have, not only on me, but on other people too. One of the most rewarding aspects of being a songwriter and musician is the impact you can have on other people. I receive the most amazing messages from people who tell me a certain song Ive written has made them feel understood, made them feel a bit less lonely. Im not a therapist, a healer, or a doctor but I thought that maybe this book could bring people a bit of comfort, a glimmer of light in the dark.

If thats the case, it would be worth it for that alone.

Getting back onstage with the Spice Girls for the Spice World tour in 2019 was a huge catalyst in changing the way I think about many things and was another big part of why I was starting to open up to the possibility of writing an autobiography. Standing onstage each night and looking at the hundreds of thousands of people who had turned up to see us play, I was finally able to recognise and appreciate what we had achieved. What I had achieved. Prior to the Spice World tour, I had very real worries about becoming Sporty Spice again. I feel differently now, but back then I wondered whether I could pull it off. For nearly 20 years I had a very complex relationship with the name that was given to me, and the band that brought me so much yet took away a great deal.

But as we played each show, it hit home how hard us five had worked to make the Spice Girls a success. What we achieved despite it all. When we first formed the band, we were told girl groups didnt work, girls wouldnt buy music by girls, magazines wouldnt put us on covers, we couldnt possibly sell out an arena, let alone a stadium. We knew it was a load of rubbish and if anything, it propelled us to work even harder to prove people wrong. We played arenas and stadiums, appeared on the front of countless magazines. We broke records and made history. We didnt invent Girl Power, but I think we were successful at catapulting the phrase, the ideology, and the culture to a whole generation of young people who have gone on to build on that movement by creating #TimesUp and #MeToo. That makes me incredibly proud.

The Spice Girls were a global phenomenon and Im profoundly grateful that I was a part of that. The Spice World tour gave me an opportunity to celebrate our accomplishments and accept every aspect of myself: Sporty Spice, Mel C, Melanie C, Melanie Jayne Chisholm. I realised it was time to celebrate every part of myself. Even the rubbish bits!

The tour showed me that I dont become Sporty Spice, shes not an outfit or a costume. She is a part of me, and shes never gone away. Sporty is part of me because she is me. And she has been me since I was a kid bombing around the estate on my little blue Raleigh, risking life and limb in the playground doing tricks on the bars, and holding my own against the boys. I came from very little and once my parents divorced there was even less. It made me tough, and it made me ambitious, but it made me a little lonely too.

As far back as I can remember, I set my sights on being someone. Someone that mattered. Someone that stood out.

I wanted, needed attention and I worked out at a very young age that the stage was the place to get that.