Melanie Brown - Brutally Honest

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I rise

from Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

THANK YOU

To my writer and collaborator, Louise Gannon, who spent so much time with me in London and Los Angeles. I know I am really difficult but thank you for your endless patience and kindness and for somehow putting into words all those emotions and feelings I could never properly express myself. To Gary Madatyan, there arent enough thanks I can say for sticking by me through thick and thin, making me laugh and sitting with me as I cried. You are my forever and ever friend. To Dr Charles Sophy for never giving up on me. Thank you Simon Cowell, my TV dad, for the support and kindness you continue to show to me. To Heidi Klum for making me laugh when I really needed to and Howie Mandel for standing by my side. To my wing woman Geri Horner for understanding me and my Spice sisters Emma Bunton, Melanie Chisholm and Victoria Beckham for the happy memories. And to my three girls, Phoenix, Angel and Madison for being my life.

I would also like to thank my literary agent Charlie Brotherstone and everyone at Quadrille and Audible for making this book happen, especially my editor Susannah Otter, Robin Morgan-Bentley and Harriet Poland.

I am also so very, very grateful for the support of the people who were all part of this story, Simon Jones, Ben Todd, Janet Neale, Randy Stodghill, Alan Edwards, Andrea Brown, Danielle Brown, Phoenix Gulzar Brown, Charlotte Robinson, Chris Little, Kim Deck, Dean Keyworth, Nicola Collins, Teena Collins, Rosie Nixon and my dad Martin Wingrove Brown. I know you are still watching over me.

CONTENTS

This book is for all women who have ever been controlled, put down, cheated on, abused, shamed, lied to, used, treated like the eternal underdog and had their spirit and self-esteem completely snatched away.

Its about taking back your power, rediscovering yourself, putting joy, happiness and peace back into your life. And its about the hardest journey a woman will ever make in her life learning to love herself.

I know what its like to be beaten down. I know what its like to be punched, humiliated and isolated, and to feel there is no way out except suicide. The most frequent question women in violent relationships are asked is, Why did you stay? The most common thing women have said to me over the past years is, But youre such a strong woman. How did this happen to you?

By telling my story, I want to answer those questions for myself and, in some way, on behalf of all other women who find themselves in the vicious trap that I lived in for almost a decade. I also want to talk about how fame changes your life in good ways and bad ways and how, if you live in the fast lane, you have to deal with the crashes along the way and how, as a woman, I cope.

Mine is a life lived in headlines, from my crazy days in the Spice Girls to my lifestyle, my divorces and my court cases. It never ceases to amaze me how stories can be so near to yet so far from the truth. You have probably based on these headlines made your own minds up about me already, and I wouldnt blame you for it. But lies and mistruths kept me trapped for long enough. Now I want the truth to set me free. I am ready to say what really happened to me, what really happens to women like me and what will keep on happening if we dont stand up and say, Enough is enough.

I kept silent for a decade in order to protect myself and my three beautiful girls. I had to declare, in front of an American judge, reasons why I needed legal safeguarding from the man I was married to for ten years. And even though I continued to smile for the cameras on stage, on screen and on social media, I was lost behind a wall that kept out my family, my friends and my soul.

Since my story became public, Ive had so many women from other female celebrities to nurses, receptionists, bankers, teachers who have held my hand, hugged me and poured out their own problems. Every single story has touched my heart, and Im thankful to all of those women who sought me out because even though I was still fragile, their words helped give me strength.

But there is so much Ive never said. With the help of amazing friends and supporters, Ive taken the very painful but healing step of confronting my past and trying to answer all those questions as brutally honestly as possible picking at scabs, opening wounds, looking at the way I handle fame and slowly unlocking secrets I hid from the world. Its taken a lot of trust and a huge amount of tears, but traumatic though its been at times its the only way I can learn from what Ive been through. I refuse to be shamed any more.

My story isnt simple. Parts of this book may really shock you, and there are parts which may make you laugh. Ive not flinched from some very tough details but it is my truth. It weaves together past and present; woman and child; fathers and husbands; motherhood and family. It is about weakness and strength, and its about a woman who always knew that one day she would escape and be free.

Ive written this book for myself, for other women and for my girls, because if we are honest, if we are kind, if we are compassionate and if we are just there for each other, we are unstoppable. We are goddesses.

GIRL POWERLESS

What drives a woman to want to take her own life? What makes a woman believe the only way out is a bottle of pills?

I can tell you the answer Melanie Brown, Scary Spice that gobby girl from Leeds who ran riot through the whole bloody world with the Spice Girls. The girl cheeky enough to pinch loo roll from Nelson Mandelas house (sorry to the late Mr Mandela; I absolutely loved you and was beyond privileged to meet you, but I also know you had a little chuckle about the loo roll) and cocky enough to crack jokes with HRH Prince Charles.

I was Girl Power. One fifth of that fantastic group of girls who were invincible, hilarious, fearless and bonded like glue chicas to the front, taking the control from men and generally kicking butt, big time.

And now, almost two decades on, you still see me in the spotlight on massively successful television shows in Britain, America and Australia. Still being loud and proud, still waving the flag for Girl Power.

But here I am, thirty-nine years of age, staring in a mirror in the ensuite bathroom of my rented house in Kensington, London, holding an open bottle of aspirin from the stash Ive stockpiled over the years, putting one pill after another into my mouth watching myself as I swallow, tears rolling down my cheeks.

As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself, Are you sure? And I take another one. Ten, twenty, fifty. A hundred. Are you sure?

Everything and nothing is running through my mind. Its Thursday night. 11 December 2014. Ive come back from dinner with my husband, Stephen. Tomorrow Im going to The X Factor. It will be the red-carpet launch for the final weekend in front of the press; there will be fans going wild for me, interviewers desperate to talk to me, Simon Cowell, Cheryl Fernandez Versini (as she was back then) and Louis Walsh; Ill be wearing a beautiful dress, my hair and makeup will be perfect, but if you want the absolute truth, Im not thinking about any of this at all. I dont care about any of it. Theres so much bullshit about being famous, being the fabulous Mel B. Right now, right here in this fancy, swanky bathroom of a multi-million-pound palace of an apartment, none of it means anything. I cant plaster that happy grin on my face anymore. I cant pretend Im not living in some twisted, violent hell.