2016 by Jamie Otis
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other-except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Cover image: Johnel Felix Clemente. Editor: Shawn Fury. Cover Design: Karis Drake.
Published in New York, New York, by Jamie Otis, LLC. Jamie Otis is a registered trademark.
ISBN: 978-0-9973619-0-2 (e-book)
Printed in the United States of America
For my siblings and my husbandthe most important people in my life.
Contents
FOREWORD
Fate is the optimal combination of choice and chance, said someone nobodys ever heard of on one of those inspirational Instagram memes.
My fate was decided the day I agreed to a scientifically arranged, legally binding blind marriage to Doug Hehner that was documented on television and then broadcast all over the world.
How could you marry a complete stranger?
Thats the most common question I get from fans, friends, journalists, trollseven my own family. Its a fair question. What kind of a person would do such a crazy thing?
A loser?
A fame whore?
A gold digger?
A lunatic?
All of the above?
In my case, the correct answer is none of the above. From the moment I was born I found myself in unusual circumstances and situations, sort of like a female, redneck version of Forrest Gump. The same can be said for the way I found myself a husband. The situation pretty much fell in my lap and I was at a place in my life where I craved love, happiness, and family.
Im impulsive so I went with it. Im also the type of person who just says it like it is. Im brutally honest. And the truth is, I had a childhood rife with abuse, poverty, and neglect, so I craved the maternal hand-holding the panel of TV experts would provide on the show. Because of the abuse and neglect, all but one of my previous relationships were pretty much a disaster. I needed serious help if I ever wanted to have a long-term, healthy relationship. I wasnt looking for a fairy-tale family. I just wanted to be part of a family that was loving, stable, and consistent. Ive never had that. I wanted it more than anything in the world.
I married Doug for better or worse and, believe it or not, I meant it with all of my heart. A lot of critics think the way I chose to be married makes a mockery of marriage. I couldnt disagree more. The divorce rate in this country still stands around 50 percent. If anything, my thought going into my scientifically arranged marriage was, Hey, what were doing isnt working, why not try something else?
When I agreed to be blindly paired with a husband, I had nothing to lose. I desperately wanted it to work and I still do. I think my biggest mistake was not thinking through or realizing how ill-equipped I was to be a life partner with anyone when I signed on the dotted line. I didnt have the time or luxury of working out my immediate past or previous relationships before walking down the aisle. I truly was in over my head.
If I wanted my marriage to last, I had to learn how to be a good wife and even better in-law quickly and efficiently. If youve followed me on my journey then you know Ive been less than perfect. But I hope my foibles are helpful, relatable, even inspiring. Though my marriage is unconventional (thats putting it lightly!), what Im going through is no different than what all married couples go througheverything from silly fights over the toilet seat up or down to more serious issues like keeping deep, dark secrets from each other. You may think youve seen everything there is to know about Doug and me on TV, but theres a lot that weve kept private.
The only difference between normal newlyweds and me is that I had to go through all of this stuff at warp speed and make it better lickety-split while married to a complete stranger. And Im on TV for the world to see and judge. Ive written Wifey 101 because the majority of comments I get on social media (yes, I read them all) are about comparing notes and commiserating about the art of marriage. Am I an expert? God, no. My marriage and I are both a work in progress. But I hope this helps anyone else out there who is also fumbling along trying to get it right when everything seems to be going wrong.
Heres to happily ever afters!
Jamie Otis
CHAPTER 1:
NOT ALL MEN?
Men have been an enigma to me since the day I was born. Literally. The space on my birth certificate where it says Father is blank.
I was in first grade when I came home from school and heard the biggest news of my short lifeI was finally going to meet the man who was my daddy. I remember the day so vividly. I walked into our trailer and saw Momma at the end of the long, thin hallway, folding laundry thrown on top of the dryer. As I walked toward her, stepping over mountains of dirty clothes, she spotted me, and her eyes lit up.
Jamie, you need to go to the doctors again, she said excitedly. Were gonna get your blood drawn for another paternity test! I just know he has to be the one. Theres nobody else it could be.
I was only six years old, but this would be my fourth paternity test. It didnt matter. I was ecstatic. Lets call him Henry. Mom said I looked just like himhe had dark brown hair and blue-green eyes, just like me. She was so certain he was my father, she sent him my most recent school photo. I was wearing a blue and white top with tiny colorful flowers on it. My bangs were brushed perfectly over my forehead and I smiled shyly for the camera. She said I looked real pretty in that picture and she just knew as soon as we met I would become the apple of his eye. I didnt really know what apple of his eye meant but it sounded like a good thing and I couldnt wait to meet him.
Usually men arent exactly thrilled to hear they may have a random childhello, Maury Povich anyone?but Henry invited Mom and I over right away. None of the other three possible baby daddies wanted to meet me at all so I was certain this was a good sign. I dreamt about what my life would be like if Henry was my father. My mom had a different last name than I did and I was embarrassed about it. She just randomly gave me the last name of Otis, from a guy she was legally married to but separated from by the time I was born.
Would I take Henrys last name? Would I go to his place for Christmas and the other holidays? Would we eat dinner together like a real family? I smiled ear to ear at the thought of becoming a normal kid with two parents. I wanted a paved driveway and an American flag in my front yard so bad. Henry could make that happen. Id have a daddy to come to my teacher conferences and chorus concerts. A daddy to sign the blank line meant for the father signature on report cards and permission slips. A daddy to show my schoolwork and art projects. I was born on Fathers Day and now I would have a real one to make a gift for. I was always the only kid in class who wrote Mom on my Fathers Day gifts.
My picture-perfect daydream turned to sheer panic when my mom and I drove over to Henrys. What if he didnt think I was as pretty as Mom thought I was in the picture? What if I wasnt nice enough? Although I was young, I was very familiar with the feeling of being inadequate. Id already felt the devastating sting of rejection three times.
As Mom pulled in the driveway, I saw Henrys rickety white trailer sitting on a hill of weeds and overgrown grass. A couple of kids ran around in the backyard and I wondered if they were my siblings. We walked past two overflowing garbage cans and climbed up the small wooden stairs that led up to the front door. Mom knocked twice.
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