Susan Shapiro Barash - Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie

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Table of Contents

To the anonymous women who came forward to offer their experiences, I offer a heartfelt thank-you. Their voices are the soul of this book.

Meredith Bernstein, my agent, and Jennifer Enderlin, my editor, were at the fateful lunch where we discussed how women keep secrets and why women lie. Their endless support has propelled this book to life.

At St. Martins Press (in alphabetical order), Sara Goodman, John Murphy, Sally Richardson, Frances Sayers, Colleen Schwartz, Matthew Shear, Dori Weintraub. For listening: Lori Ames, Gail Clott, Ashley Deiser, Susie Finesman, Brit Geiger, Meryl Moss, Judy Shapiro, Cynthia Vartan. Jennie Ripps, my muse, Robert Marcus, my lawyer, Emilie Domer, Ben Peryer, and Amanda Soule, my assistants. In academia: Elizabeth Irmiter, Suzanne Murphy, and Micheal Rengers at Sarah Lawrence College, Carol Camper, Lewis Burke Frumkes at Marymount Manhattan College. In Hollywood: Jon Avnet, Sally Robinson, Bruce Vinokour, Meredith Wagner, Allison Wallach, Ellyn Williams. The professionals who have contributed their thoughts to this book: Dr. Ronnie Burak, Dr. Donald Cohen, Claire Owen, Seth Shulman, Brenda Szulman. My parents, Selma and Herbert L. Shapiro, my in-laws Helene and Ted Barash, and dearest friends.

Jennie, Michael, and Elizabeth Ripps, my precious children. Lastly, Gary A. Barash, my husband, steadfast, knowing.

Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth

About Women and Rivalry

A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs

That Make or Break Their Marriages

Sisters: Devoted or Divided

The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife

Second Wives: The Pitfalls and Rewards of

Marrying Widowers and Divorced Men

Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law:

Love, Hate, Rivalry and Reconciliation

Reclaiming Ourselves: How Women Dispel a

Legacy of Bad Choices

Women of Divorce: Mothers, Daughters,

StepmothersThe New Triangle

The Men Out There: A Womens Little Black Book

(with Michele Kasson, Ph.D.)

A ccording to the American Heritage Dictionary, morality is defined as a set of customs of a given society, class or social group which regulate relationships and prescribed modes of behavior to enhance the groups survival. A set of ideas of right and wrong. What I learned in writing this book is that while a womans secret may not be moral by a community standard, it has a creed of its own. Womens experiences are not like mens, not culturally, emotionally, sexually, nor are women gratified in many of their endeavors and intentions. For this reason, as long as the male criterion prevails, women will cut corners, devise their own totality, and navigate a singular path.

Mora, a forty-two-year-old woman with whom I spoke, palliates her decision to have kept a secret from her son and daughters for many years.

Had I told my son earlier to find his real father, before he was ready, he would have been bitter, and unforgiving. I led him to believe that my husband, who has been in his life since he was a small boy, is his biological father. My son asked me why Id never told him and I said I wanted to keep the family togetherI wanted him to feel equal. He has half-sisters whohe believed were his full sisters. I kept this secret and I insisted my husband go along with me. So now that he knows, at the age of seventeen, its a shock for the girls, too, but the kids have had the benefit of a nuclear family, and my sons had a father figure. Maybe this secret was selfish, but I stand by my decision.

Was Moras choice, a betterment lie, to mislead her son and daughters, the right decision? Did she preempt her sons ability to find his biological father or did she build a solid home life for her son? What remains to be seen is the fallouthow her son feels about the facts. It is significant that Mora purposely lied to protect her son, and her satisfaction is the close, undisrupted family life that her children experienced as a result.

Socially, women generally feel misunderstood by men, Brenda Szulman, a therapist, tells us. If they convey their inner thoughts, they could be thwarted and damned. Based on my study, the return on the investment of the secret and the lie can exceed any negative emotions, depending on the nature of the lie.

The shame factor influences women to be cautious, but not to forfeit the lies. Katie, thirty, explains her decision not to tell her husband that shed been raped when she was fourteen. Still, carrying the weight of her secret, a survival lie, all these years has taken its toll.

Its always there but so is my reason not to bring it into my marriage. Ive struggled with everything that happened, but I want to keep it to myself, I dont want to share it. Its better this way for me. I know my secret presses down on me but its worth it, worth it as a secret.

THE OVERRATED TRUTH?

The harsh light of reality is often too much to bear. Consider Isabelles beneficial lie about her son who has joined the armed forces. At forty-two, she is a single mother of three and works as a nurse in Pennsylvania.

It isnt that my son hasnt done well, but that hes joined the army. I wouldnt have ever imagined this from him and now I have to worry about his safety. It wasnt what I taught him, it wasnt what I want for him and he knows that. I raised my children on my own and I wanted the boys to be in business. Its kind of a slap in the face, then I always think he can get a degree, like the ads on TV, through the army. I try to never look at the dangers or read the news about what happens to boys in Iraq. I act like hes not there, like hes in some reserve unit, thats how I get through, I have told very few people what he did because Im not really proud of this. I wasnt born here and Im not in favor of the war. I told no one in our family at home. I say hes working abroad, thats all.

Ironically, it appears that for some women in the news, its the truth that could complicate their lives. On November 4, 2006, the New York Daily News featured the story English Lather: Miss U.K. Stripped of Her Crown. Apparently, Danielle Lloyd, Miss Great Britain, lost her title after she revealed that shed had an affair with a judge for the very contest she won. Corky Siemaszko, a staff writer at the Daily News, writes: Memo to beauty pageant winners: If you want to keep your crown, dont blab about sleeping with a judge. Had Ms. Lloyd not boasted of a Christmas gift bestowed upon her by a soccer star judge, herboyfriend, Teddy Sheringham, no one would have figured out that the couple had been involved before the pageant, which is against the rules. Undeniably there is wisdom in such information remaining a secret in order to keep ones crown.

Similarly, Jeanine Pirro, the thrice-elected district attorney of Westchester County, New York, has been exposed for her secrets. Pirro made headlines in the summer of 2006 when the Republicans considered running her against Hillary Clinton for the Senate. All would have gone according to plan had Pirro not distrusted her husband. As reported by Steve Fishman in his article in New York magazine, The Exclusive Marriage-Counseling Sessions, Pirro consulted Bernard Kerik, the former police commissioner of New York City, and allegedly urged Kerik to bug her husbands boat. Because Kerik had problems of his own, the conversation with Jeanine Pirro was taped by federal investigators. Fishman writes, Now the government is said to be investigating Jeanine. Portions of Jeanines conversations with Kerik were leaked to WNBC, a leak targeted for maximum political damage.

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