Erica Orloff - Dirty Little Secrets: True Tales and Twisted Trivia About Sex

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Contents

To Muffy and Dick,

a perfectly matched pair

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Orloff and Baker would like to thank Kathy and Marc Levinson for originally believing in this project; Jay Poynor for his support, encouragement, and sense of humor; and Pam Morrell for her help and support. They also thank Charles Spicer and Joe Cleemann for all their expertise.

Orloff, as always, would like to thank her family: Walter, Maryanne, Stacey, Jessica, and of course, Alexa, Nick, and Bella. She would like to thank John Diaz for his unending belief in her.

Baker would like to thank certain staff members of the M F Library; Elizabeth Parsons (you hilarious woman, you); Fred Youngs, Mike DeGaspris, Rick Brown, and Chris Brown for their collective thoughts on getting the point across without saying it; and last, but never least, Bob, Joe, and Chris.

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time, sex was a simple affairbut were talking a really long time ago. So, we might as well start with the primordial ooze, when life consisted of single-cell organisms. These microscopic forms were so basic they didnt even have genders. To reproduce, they just split in two. But whenever the population outgrew its environment and sustaining life was more difficult, some of the organisms fused together instead. To improve their chances of survival, the cells chose fusion partners as different from themselves as possible (probably causing their friends and relatives to wonder why two such opposites would be attracted to one another).

It is not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?

SHAKESPEARE

Eventually, more and more cells glommed together (no one said this book is scientific), and life forms got bigger and more complex until finally there were stable species with two distinct genders.

From this lowly beginning, males and females have been relentlessly pursuing each other. But it wasnt until modern man arrived on the scene that sex became a complicated matter involving spiritual, social, and political ramifications.

THOU SHALT BETTER STOP BOFFING

The ancient Greeks and Romans have a reputation for enjoying licentious behavior, while it seems as if the ancient Jews were always getting smote down for it. Since both cultures understood that people have strong sex drives, how is it they developed such diverse attitudes? Probably because humans have one instinct even stronger than the one to procreatethe one to survive. According to some theorists, because both the Greeks and Romans lived in relatively small areas, as their civilizations grew so did the need for population control. Since sex and procreation went hand in hand, and the invention of the pill was a few millennia away, alternative methods of sexual satisfaction were not only accepted, but to some degree, encouraged. Some men kept sterile mistresses, others took male lovers. Homosexual activity was regarded as natural enough to be woven into the legends of their gods and heroes. The parameters of acceptability, however, are a little ironic. While sodomy between an adult male mentor and his adolescent student was expected, a monogamous homosexual relationship between two grown men was a social no-no. Go figure. And sex with a child not yet through puberty was illegal.

At one point, the Greeks also controlled their population by exiling fertile, unmarried women to the Isle of Lesbos. Since the only sex to be had there was with other women, its no wonder Lesbians became synonymous with female homosexuals.

The ancient Jewish civilization had a completely different problem. They lived in a fruitful land surrounded by hostile neighbors with much larger populations. For the Jews, increasing their numbers was as necessary to survival as controlling the populace was to the Greeks and Romans. So the ultimate goal of sex was conception, which eventually translated to conception being the only respectable goal for sex.

By the time Moses came trotting down the mountain with his rules on rock, communal morality frowned upon alternative sexual practices. Masturbation, homosexuality, bestiality, and prostitution all got negative press in the Old Testament. (And coveting your neighbors wife isnt allowed, although knocking up your brothers widow is not only okay, its a duty.) But marital sex was regarded with approval and is celebrated in the Song of Songs.

Considering the Good Books rather stringent regulations regarding sexual relations, its rather odd that a common euphemism for intercourse with a woman is to know her in the biblical sense.

Since the first Christians had been Jewish, the newly created religion held to Jewish beliefs regarding sex. But by 500 A.D ., even intercourse for procreation was viewed as a necessary evil. Celibacy was a holy trait. This was partly because of the teachings of St. Augustine. He had been quite a wild one, taking both male and female lovers, until he renounced his evil ways. Once he tucked the old one-eyed snake away for good, he wrote about his experiences and his interpretation of them. Lust, he felt, was the defining difference between Man and God. He believed Adam and Eve were cast from the Garden of Eden for their sin of sexual lust and that, as a result, all humans were burdened from birth with this original sin.

FEET IN THE STIRRUPS, KNEES APART

Gyne, the root word for gynecology comes from the Greek and means bearer of children. Gynecologists, however, do not bear children for a living. They are more like inspectors of child-bearing equipment. They do their job using a miners hat and ice-cold instruments.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, the Chinese, Hindu, and Islamic people had an entirely different perspective on sex. A celebrated facet of life, sexual activity was neither restricted nor regarded as negative. The Kama Sutra (a manual on sexual variety and positions) was first compiled around the time Augustine was promoting a chaste life.

A LITTLE ICE IN THE CODPIECE AND VOILA!

Christianity quickly spread, and the number of followers grew with each generation. By the Middle Ages, the church was so powerful in Europe that it eclipsed secular society, and religious rules were synonymous with common law. Church leaders dictated sexual repression for the multitude, but certain members of the upper class could have courtly love. A highly suspect custom, courtly love sprung from the idea that while marriages (which were usually arranged) generally resulted in love, that love was somewhat sullied by the obligatory nasty stuff that went on between the sheets. In contrast, courtly lovers were thought to have a pure love, untainted by sex, for one another. To prove their love was the courtly variety, the pair was tested by being stripped naked and made to lie down next to each other for a period of time. If no signs of lust passed between them, they were free to spend time together without a chaperone. (The idea that Lord Muffwilling and Lady Peterlove wouldnt eventually consummate their relationship once out of the public eye is certainly a curiously naive supposition. Perhaps because the priesthood attracted a fair amount of homosexuals who were capable of loving a woman without lusting for her, they based their assumptions on their own experience.) Apparently, commoners were incapable of pure love, since this practice was only acceptable among the elite.