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Ben Greenman - Celebrity Chekhov: Stories by Anton Chekhov (P.S.)

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Ben Greenman Celebrity Chekhov: Stories by Anton Chekhov (P.S.)
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Q: What do Tiger, Paris, Lindsay, Alec, and Oprah have in common with the enduring characters of Anton Chekhov? A: Love, loss, pride, yearning, heartbreak, renewal, transcendence: the very stuff of life. The immortal stories of Anton Chekhov have long entranced readers with their insights into the universal truths of human behavior . . . but youve never read them quite like this. Former friends Nicole and Paris exchange prickly pleasantries in Tall and Short. Talk-show host Dave narrowly averts another potential domestic crisis in A Transgression. Reality star Kim shares her newfound notoriety with Khloe and Kourtney in Joy. In a witty, graceful, and revelatory feat of literary reinvention, acclaimed novelist and humorist Ben Greenman takes nineteen of Chekhovs greatest stories and recasts them with some of the best-known luminaries of our timewith eye-opening, and oddly ennobling, results.

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To all the Russians or part Russians in my family, and to all the people I know who look Russian, or have Russian blood in their veins, or have recently opened a book that uses as its foundation the literature of a great Russian author. That should cover it.

Contents

T HE GREAT AUTHOR AND DRAMATIST A NTON C HEKHOV WAS born on January 29, 1860, in Taganrog, Rostov Oblast, Russia. A hundred years later to the day, in Philadelphia, came the birth of the model Gia Carangi, who would later be memorably portrayed by Angelina Jolie in the HBO original movie Gia.

Coincidence? Not unless you let it be. As Chekhov said, Only entropy comes easy.

Chekhov is well-known for his plays: his towering quartet of late works, The Seagull, Uncle Vanya, Three Sisters, and The Cherry Orchard, have ensured that he is second only to Shakespeare among Western dramatists. But his short stories make an equally persuasive case for his genius as a writer. During his lifetime, Chekhov wrote more than two hundred stories, earning a reputation as one of the most incisive and skilled practitioners in the history of the form.

What makes his stories so compelling? The question has preoccupied scholars and critics, as well as everyday readers, for more than a century. Most of Chekhovs adherents arrive at a version of the same answer: that Chekhov understood people particularly well, and specifically that he understood their weaknesses. With a minimum of flamboyant effects, he demonstrated the ways in which ordinary life is always colored by predictable but consequential personality flaws such as doubt, pride, and fear. In a story like Tall and Short, for example, he wasted no time in delineating the complex circuit of envy and aggression that exists between two old friends who meet after a long interval. In An Enigmatic Nature, he sketches a portrait of a woman on a train with brief, almost imperceptible strokes that nevertheless reveal a tremendous amount about sex, power, identity, aging, and regret.

Chekhov drew his characters from all levels of Russian society in his time: peasants, aristocrats, intense young clerks, disappointed wives. Today, in America, we have a simple way of identifying these flawed specimens of humanity ruled by ego and insecurity. They are called celebrities. Here we have the young film star who has been in the spotlight since she was a teenager and whose sense of herself is at once inflated and imploded. There we have the talk-show host who conducts clandestine relationships with members of his staff. And over there we have the reality-show star who is famous primarily for her appearance in a particularly intimate home movie.

We need not name these three celebrities, but we can certainly speculate. Lindsay Lohan? David Letterman? Kim Kardashian? And, having speculated, we can perhaps find analogues for these characters in Chekhovs storiesand wonder, perchance, what would happen if his original characters were replaced by these new characters, whose travails hit so much closer to home for us. If we should trap these celebrities inside Chekhovs stories, is it possible that their insidesthe inner lives that are elided by the tabloids, paparazzi, and the Internetmight be liberated? That a story of straying husbands and nervous wives like Bad Weather might move us more as an accurate, even revealing portrait of a contemporary golfer named Tiger rather than the tale of a lawyer named Kvashin? That a tragicomedy of young love like At the Barbers might be enhanced if it starred the singer, actor, and stage parent Billy Ray Cyrus rather than the locksmith Erast Ivanitch Yagodov? It should be specifiedstressed, eventhat the famous personages transplanted into these pages are in no way intended to reflect the actual lives of the actual talk-show hosts, actresses, golfers, and singers whose names they share. No celebrities were harmed in the making of this book. Rather, they are ideas: the notion of David Letterman, for example, carries with it an expectation of wit, professionalism, and faux-churlishness. How do those expectations bloom, or wilt, in these stories? Turn the page and see.

Some may wonder whether the presence of modern celebrities in these stories could prove distracting rather than illuminating, whether the subtle beauty of Chekhovs insights might be drowned in a tide of pointless associations. At first we shared that concern. We met in several conference rooms, each adjacent to the next, to discuss the matter. In the end we cast our lot with science and commissioned the research arm of the publisher to conduct an in-depth survey. The results, when they came in, suggested that these new celebritized stories will appeal to a wide variety of readers: young and old, literary or obsessed with celebrity, cynical or idealistic. Or, perhaps, that they will not appeal to them. The graph is difficult to read, and it is possible that we are holding it upside down.

Ben Greenman

General Editor

May 2010

Chapter 1
Tall and Short

T WO FRIENDSONE A TALL WOMAN AND THE OTHER SHORT met at the airport. The tall woman had just applied her makeup and her lips shone like ripe cherries. She smelled of flowers and citrus. The short woman had just come off the plane and was laden with bundles and bags. She smelled of ham and coffee grounds. An equally short man with closely cropped black hair peaked on top like a wave came into view behind her back, along with a young girl wearing a hat.

Nicole, cried the tall woman on seeing the short one. Is it you? My dear girl! How many summers, how many winters!

Holy saints! cried the short woman in amazement. Paris! The friend of my childhood! Where have you dropped from?

The friends kissed each other three times and gazed at each other with eyes full of tears. Both were agreeably astounded.

My dear girl! began the short woman after the kissing. This is unexpected! This is a surprise! Come have a good look at me! Just as pretty as I used to be! Good gracious me! Well, and how are you? Married? I am married as you see. This is my husband, Joel, Joel Madden, though I did not take his last name. Hes from Good Charlotte, the band, do you remember their albums? And this is my daughter, Harlow. Shes a third-grader. This is the friend of my childhood, Harlow. We were girls together!

Harlow thought a little and took off her hat.

We were young women together, the short woman went on. Do you remember how they used to tease you? You were nicknamed Parasite because you seemed to feed off the attention of others, and I was nicknamed Mouse because I was tiny and squeaked when I spoke. We were children! Dont be shy, Harlow. Go nearer to her. And this is my husband, Joel Madden, though I did not take his last name, from Good Charlotte, the band, do you remember them?

Harlow took refuge behind her mothers back.

Well, how are you doing my friend? the tall woman asked, looking enthusiastically at her friend. How have you been doing since your last reality show? Was it a success?

Thank you for asking! I am not sure exactly which show you mean, since I have been in a series of them over the past few years. The ratings have not been what I expect, but thats no great matter! My husband still reconvenes his band, and when my father passed a few years ago, a bit of his money came to us. We didnt get a large portion of the inheritance, but even so, Running with the Night and Penny Lover helped us get along. Now I am in town to film a pilot for a new series. Ill be living in town for a few months. And what about you? I bet you are overseeing a thriving production company.

No dear woman, go higher than that, said the tall woman. I am in consideration to run a television studio.

The short woman turned pale and rigid all at once, but soon her face twisted in all directions in the broadest smile; it seemed as though sparks were flashing from her face and eyes. She squirmed, she doubled together, crumpled up. Her bundles and bags seemed to shrink and crumple up too. Her husbands peak of hair grew taller still; Harlow drew herself up to attention and replaced her hat upon her head.

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