Chan Hon Goh - Beyond the Dance. A Ballerinas Life

D ANCING FOR A Q UEEN

T he Royal Danish Ballet is one of the greatest companies of the world. So naturally I was thrilled to be asked to dance with them as a guest artist during the 250th anniversary year of The Royal Theatre in Copenhagen.

The ballet was Swan Lake, which is not only the most popular ballet of all time but also one of the most difficult and exhausting for any ballerina to perform. At the National Ballet of Canada, I had just ended our own tiring season and had only seven days to prepare, with a partner Johan Kobborg who was to make his debut as Prince Siegfried. I arrived in Copenhagen on a chilly March day and began unpacking my things in the hotel room. Instead of happy expectation, I was feeling strangely low, and as I took out each item I felt a little more lonely, a little more homesick, a little more anxious. I was twenty-eight years old and married, but I felt almost like a child again, sure that I would not be liked, that I would not fit in. I had to tell myself You have been a principal dancer for four years. Youve just danced Romeo and Juliet to critical acclaim. You are going to dance well. They are going to like you.

The principal ballerina in Swan Lake must perform two roles the beautiful White Swan, named Odette, and the dangerous temptress Odile, the Black Swan. In the rehearsal studio, the companys associate director helped teach me the steps, for this Swan Lake was the version choreographed by Peter Martins of the New York City Ballet, and it was different from the ones I had danced before. So much more of it had to be danced up on pointe that my toes became badly blistered from practicing. Johan was a new partner for me a dancer needs to absolutely trust her partner and we did not meet until the first day of rehearsal. So although the rehearsals were going well enough, I could not help feeling tremendous anxiety. One morning, having breakfast alone in the hotel and looking at the happy couples and families around me, again I felt overwhelmed with loneliness and the childlike desire to be protected by my parents who were thousands of miles away, back in Vancouver. Leaving my breakfast, I hurried back to my room and started to cry. I cried for a good long while, and when I felt better I picked up my bag and headed to the theater for morning class.

The night of the first performance arrived. Waiting for my first entrance, I stood in the wings of the theater, jumping up and down to keep warm so that my muscles would not seize up. The first entrance in Swan Lake is the hardest the ballerina has to emerge from the lake, expressing her enchanted swan form through the interpretation of the steps. I heard my music, and saw Johan already on stage and deeply into the role, and I knew it would be all right.

And it was all right, at least until the third act. Then came the infamous moment when, as the Black Swan Odile, I had to execute the thirty-two fouetts. A fouett is a very quick spin in which the working leg whips around to create momentum as the supporting foot moves onto pointe for the turn, then down flat, and onto pointe again. Fouetts are done repeatedly, keeping the dancer whirling on the spot. I had to perform this bravura display after already being fatigued from the previous variation. I began the fouetts on the unfamiliar stage, and they were going well enough for me to throw in some doubles for show, when my foot hit a ridge on the stage floor, possibly the edge of a trap door used for operas. Almost losing my rhythm, I was filled with sudden terror. Yet I still had twenty more turns to go.

Backstage with Johan Kobborg, Johnny Eliasen (coach), and Maina Gielgud (artistic director).

Calm down, calm down.

I managed to rescue the fouetts and get through the rest of the ballet, although I feared that I wouldnt. The only other glitch occurred when I was supposed to turn and meet the prince face to face, only to discover that he was way upstage. I literally had to bolt to reach him in time. What gave me strength to the end was looking in Johans eyes and seeing how much emotion he felt as the prince, making my Odette and Odile come alive. I myself was learning the deeper truth that great dance was not simply about doing the steps perfectly.

The experience of appearing at the Royal Danish Ballet, which had frightened me so much at the start, turned out to be one of the highlights of my career. The reviews in the Danish newspapers were wonderful and with each performance my confidence grew. To my delight, the Queen of Denmark came to the last show. On that night my only problem was remembering to bow first to the Queens box during the curtain calls. Beside me, Johan kept having to remind me by whispering in my ear.

As Cinderella en route to the Royal Ball. The fairy tales my father told me would eventually come true.

CHAPTER 1

B EARS ARE S HAKING MY B ED

T he bears were all around the bed, standing in their hunched-over, hulking way. And with their great paws they were shaking the bed, and me in it. Shaking, shaking. But I wasnt afraid, because I felt in their soft bear faces and their warm breath and their dark eyes that they didnt mean me any harm.

Da Hong, get up! We have to get out of here! My mothers voice. How reluctantly I opened my eyes, making the bears disappear. Now my mother leaned over me looking frantic. Somehow the bed was still shaking. What time was it? Outside, it was still dark, not yet time for my grade-one class, so why was my mother bothering me?