Cooper - Golf Monster

My liver would like to dedicate this book to me for giving up drinking and taking up golf.

Special thanks to Sheryl Cooper, Ely Callaway, John Daly, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones, Roger Dunn, Shep Gordon, David Ledbetter, Toby Mamis, Keith Maxwell, Gary McCord, Rocco Mediate, Johnny Miller, Jim Mooney, Graham Nash, Brian Nelson, Bruce Parker, Mike Smith from Acapulco, Scott Waxman, Craig Yahiro, Danny Zelisko, Kent & Keith Zimmerman, and all the Callaway reps all around the world who still owe me money.

And thanks for the photos: Ken Ballard, Ward Boult, Matt Coddington, Brad Elterman, Bob Gruen, Erik Luftglass, The Kraft Nabisco Championship, The Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, The Michael Douglas & Friends Tournament, and the VH1 Fairway to Heaven Tournament.

Alice Cooper

Thanks to Alice, Shep Gordon, Toby Mamis, Brian Nelson, Scott Waxman, Farley Chase, Lindsey Moore, Kristin Kiser, Luke Dempsey, Richard Levy, Deborah Zimmerman, Gladys Zimmerman, and the guys in H-Unit.

The Zimmermen

Contents

Alice Cooper Plays Pine Valley: Welcome to MY Nightmare The Fabulous Furniers Black Slacks and a Tight Windsor Knot Be a Good Imitator James Bond, the Beatles, and Cortez High Earwigs and Spiders L.A. Dreams and the Draft It Dont Mean a Thing if You Aint Got That Swing or On Being an Amateur vs. Becoming a Pro The Birth of Alice Frank Zappa, Syd Barrett, and the GTOs Managers and Record Deals Play for the Right Reasons Motor City Migration Eighteen, the Chicken, and the Snake Let the Adrenaline Flow Schools Out Forever Alice as Macumba! Play on the Road! Play All Over the World! The New Millionaires Sold-Out Arenas Welcome to My Nightmare Confront Your Demons and Defeat Them The Lair of the Vampires Rocky, the King, Clouseau, the Dal, and Groucho Play with Those Who Inspire You Hanging with the Legends in Hollywood From the Inside More Fog! More Blood! Replace the Bad Addiction with the Good Addiction I Am Not Worthy Construct a Spiritual Support System That Works for You The Importance of Being Alice Learn How to Play Through Ely and Alice Pay Attention to Innovation and Technology Prodigal Son Snakes, Stars, and Swords Keep on Rockin! Alices Golf Clinic: 15 Tips for Achieving Your Best Game

A hole-in-one or headed for the rough? Alice in 1974 before he developed his straight, sweet swing.

Introduction

Welcome to MY Nightmare

O NE DAY I GOT A CALL from Ely Callaway, the famous golf-equipment maker. Alice, he said, do you want to play Pine Valley?

Now, the Top 100 golf courses in the world are rated by experts, organizations, and hopeless golf addicts and at the top of my list is Pine Valley in New Jersey. Its an impossible course to get onto, especially if youre an outsider. Some say its the number-one course in the world. You have to be born onto that course to get inor be blue-blood royalty, a Fortune 500 CEO, or the great-grandson of a member of the club. A rock n roller? No way. I would never make the cut.

So this was as if Ely had called and asked if I wanted to go to paradise for a day. Pine Valley? Sure thing! Ha! Alice Cooper plays Pine Valley. Who would have thought?

On the day of my tee time, I got into a limousine for the two-hour trek from New York City to the hallowed grounds of Pine Valley. Sitting in the back of the limo, I thought about recently running into Lou Reed, whom I remember from our days at the Chelsea Hotel in New York in 1972. Back then, the hallways were filled with dope addicts, druggies, transvestites, and boozers. People passed out in the hallways, too high to put the keys in their doors. Thirty-five years later, Lou is asking me how he should adapt his swing to gain greater distance and accuracy. I gave him advice on where to place his hands on the club. Who would have imagined the two of us, three decades removed from that drug-filled, hazy lifestyle, discussing golf swings?

I wondered, Is Lou like me? Is he a golf junkie now, too, outrageously addicted to this alluring sport?

It actually took me three hours to get to Pine Valley, because the driver got hopelessly lost. The course, it turns out, is almost impossible to find if youve never been there. Its situated rather anonymously in the middle of a wooded neighborhood. Suddenly, it appears. When I arrived, I jumped out of the backseat and walked into the clubhouse.

I was playing the greatest golf course in the world!

I didnt quite know how everything would work, especially since I didnt have anyone to play with, but I shortly found out that everything was already in motion. When you arrive for the first time, the tradition is that rookies first sit and have coffee with a member. No other course Id ever played had that rule. It sounded a little strange, but I had come this far. What did I have to lose? So I was introduced to a couple of guys, and we all sat down and looked at one another.

All right, I get it now. Alice Cooper, the crazy rock star, sits down with a couple of members to give them a chance to look me over and say, No, thanks, we dont want to play with this guy. Had I come in drunk or loud or stupid, this was their opportunity to give me the shaft and show me the door. I had passed the first hurdle; next it was time to prove myself on the green.

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