Boulé - Think Like a White Man

First published in Great Britain, the USA and Canada in 2019
by Canongate Books Ltd, 14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE

Distributed in the USA by Publishers Group West and in
Canada by Publishers Group Canada

This digital edition first published in 2019 by Canongate Books

canongate.co.uk

Copyright Nelson Abbey, 2019

Quotation from speech by Lucius Cary, 15th Viscount Falkland in
The Official Record of the Debate Initiated by Lord Gifford QC in
the House of Lords of the British Parliament on 14th March 1996
Concerning the African Reparations, col. 1052.

Extract from The Huey P. Newton Reader Huey Newton, 2002.
Reprinted with permission of Seven Stories Press.

The moral right of the author has been asserted

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available on
request from the British Library

ISBN 978 1 78689 434 2
eISBN 978 1 78689 439 7

About the Authors

Dr Boul Whytelaw III

Dr Boul Whytelaw III is the Distinguished Professor of White People Studies at Bishop Lamonthood University, the Deputy Vice Chair of the C(T)UWP, the Centre for (Trying to) Understand White People, and is widely acknowledged as the definitive global authority on white people.

He is the highly accomplished television-writing brain behind the hit shows Good Cops, Good White Folk and Other Wild Fantasies and Scientific Proof: The White Mans Ice Is Indeed Colder.

Prior to an unfortunate redundancy he was a decorated banker (specialising in no-income, no-job or assets loans) and a grandee of a slew of corporate diversity schemes.

Nels Abbey

Nels Abbey is a British Nigerian (Itsekiri) writer and media executive based in London. This is his first book.

I dedicate this book to the most precious group of beings on the face of the Earth, as well as the foremost resistors of White-Manism: black women. Sistas, youre loved, admired and worshipped by me. Forever and a day.

Youre deeply appreciated.

I also dedicate this book to my amazing white wife.

Dr Boul Whytelaw III

Contents

Introduction

Nels Abbey

D r Boul (pronounced boo-lay) Fabricius Whytelaw III was born Blakamoor-Tajudeeni Mamasay-Mamakusa somewhere in the early 70s (by my estimations). In order to achieve what he called white success he changed his name to sound as white as possible (not dissimilar as he would inform me to Charlie Sheen, Ralph Lauren and Whoopi Goldberg).

After this slight relabelling, he started getting job interviews and eventually an offer that was unthinkable to a black person called Blakamoor-Tajudeeni (this was long before brands like Barack Obama and Lupita Nyongo successfully emerged). This experience made him realise that making himself as palatable to white people as possible would help propel him to white success. He felt the need to go further. Much further.

He began to study Caucasians, in his words, from Austria to Australia, London to Los Angeles, Cape Town to the Caucasus Mountains, Whitehall to the White House and everywhere white in-between. He earned a PhD in White People Studies (the first and only human I am aware of to do so) and emerged as the foremost expert on the worlds toughest subject: white people.

Clearly a Westerner born to African parents, though he was reluctant to divulge exactly where he was from, the good doctor is what many would call a global citizen, or what the British Prime Minister Theresa May would call a citizen of nowhere. His politics, his outlook on the world and his diction all reflect this.

Out of the clear blue sky, Dr Whytelaw contacted me in early 2014 to help him package and share his message on how we by which he meant black people transit from civil rights to silver rights from marching to money-making from fighting for freedom to actual freedom. He explained that he had the blueprint to overthrow the White Man [not to be mistaken for a white man, he stresses] once and for all. When I asked for brief details, he elaborated: We will use the White Mans own weapons and tools to defeat him and we will start in the whitest place possible: the corporate world.

I pointed out the wise words of the great poet Audre Lorde: the masters tools will never dismantle the masters house. After a long and frustrated pause Dr Whytelaw responded: Nigga, you sound like an idiot or, even worse, a poet. Why would we want to dismantle a house we built? We dont want to dismantle anything, we want to throw the blue-eyed squatter out and live in it ourselves.

On the back of the statement above, I made it clear that I despise the N-word and would rather he didnt use it around me. His response: Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. Ive held back my language and repressed myself all my life. And what did it earn me? Anxiety, high blood pressure and, fair enough, a lot of money. Anyway, nigga, I will use whatever word keeps me alive, happy and wealthy.

How he got my details remains a mystery to me. Nevertheless, after months of trying to convince me that there is no such thing as a white fatwa, he got me to agree to help bring his vision to life.

Dr Whytelaw is a fascinating person. An unhinged black man with no political filter or time for political correctness whatsoever a degree of freedom I would normally only associate with the most comfortable of comfortable white men. A truly unique compendium of racial knowledge and insight. Charming, witty, forthright and, according to him, always right.

During moments of creative and racial disagreement he would firmly reassure me that he is to white people what Warren Buffet is to stocks, what Bill Gates is to computers, what Colonel Sanders is to stealing secret recipes from black women And rightly so. He is an authority, and his theories (which he would demand I label facts) are nothing short of ground-breaking.

In early February 2019, Dr Whytelaw texted me to say he was about to embark on an urgent scientific field trip to discover, research and document a remote white tribe. No one has heard from him since.

This book is the fruit of all the discussions, lessons and ideas which emerged from hundreds of hours of meetings with Dr Whytelaw. This is his gift to the world, even though much of the hard work was mine.

HOWEVER, PLEASE NOTE THAT ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THE OPINIONS, THOUGHTS OR ADVICE OFFERED IN THIS BOOK ARE MINE OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

Im only in this for the money.

Born, respectively, Carlos Irwin Estvez, Ralph Lifshitz and Caryn Elaine Johnson.

Assumptions

T his book is written with the following assumptions about you, the reader:

1. You are classified as black:

Meaning you were born with at least a single drop of wild black African blood in your veins which has physically manifested itself in you (e.g. brown skin, impressive genitalia, natural rhythm, a proneness to police brutality, punctuality issues, healthy distrust of people classified as white, etc.).

You do not have a gang tattoo on your face, a catalogue of violent or pornographic YouTube videos or a lengthy criminal record owing to a former career in rap music.