Judith Martin - Miss Manners: On Unabashed Aging

No respect for the elderly!

When certain people are not making fun of the looks and frailties that come with age, they are expressing outright disgust at those changes that time inevitably works. Furthermore, they vehemently deny the right to any forms of deference based on age, to the point of vilifying people whose crime is attempting to be polite to their elders. Please understand that Miss Manners is not indulging in the centuries-old sport of complaining that the Younger Generation has no manners. It is the Older Generation that she blames for denigrating old age and sabotaging its privileges.

Although these miscreants are Miss Manners contemporaries, she differs from them in a fundamental respect: She may be the only adult in America who is Old at Heart. Even more strangely, she has enjoyed this happy state since birth. When she was a mere slip of a girl, her father remarked fondly, I can picture you when you are an old ladywearing high-necked blouses, carrying a stick, and tyrannizing over generations of your descendants.

It was an odd thing to say to a small daughter still in pigtails, who took some time to puzzle over it. Then she broke into smiles at the thought: My daddy understands me.

Her contemporaries seem to have had different aspirations. Whether or not they appreciated youth when they had it, hordes of them are now in relentless pursuit of a simulated version. You can recognize them by their ritual greeting of one another: You look GREAT!

That is harmless enough. It would be pleasant to hear, if only it were said in a normal tone of voice. However, in addition to reinforcing the illusion of youth for one another, they stoop to chastising considerate people whom they suspect of not playing along. The smallest signs of respect or consideration are often taken as insults and rudely rejected.

Being offered a seat on public transportation is interpreted as a sneering commentary on ones mental and physical fitness. So the response, instead of being Thank you or No, thank you, is the wounded yell: Im not that old and feeble!

Being addressed with honorifics and surnames brings on the accusation, You make me feel old! thus putting the burden on polite children to refrain from replying, What are you talking about? You ARE old! Or they make a bewildering statement such as, No! Im Rocky. Mr. Featherstone is my father, (and never mind that father may have been dead for years).

Even more offense is taken at the respectful terms Maam and Sir. Presumably, those who find these to be insulting references to age are not aware

that Maam and Sir happen also to be correct ways to address royalty, no matter how young. If your toddler daughter or granddaughter declares herself a princess, she should expect to be called Maam.

Parents who have taught their children to use any of these polite terms find their manners training sabotaged by those who hope to bolster their patently false vanity. But while being corrected may persuade a child to stop being polite, it is not going to convince children that, oops, they have mistaken a young person for an old one. The real lesson here is that the old are delusional and crotchety.

Grandchildren are not spared. What is a child to make of his or her parents declaration that they are too young to be grandparents? And that the traditionally honorable titles of Grandmother and Grandfather and their many cozy derivatives are therefore forbidden? The old folks will think of something that they imagine sounds youthful. Call us Buster and Bubbles.

Perhaps even more amazing than sowing confusion among grandchildren is the willingness to pass up a bargain. How dare anyone offer a senior citizen discount to someone who is obviously a senior citizen?

DEAR MISS MANNERSOn public transit, the law requires giving up one's seat to the elderly and disabled. But there can be fuzzy areas to those categories sometimes, so I wonder if rules of etiquette can provide any guidelines.

I am a 60-year-old man with slightly graying hair, but am physically fit and able (slim, walk four miles a day, gym three times a week, etc.). On recent occasionsthough it s still raresomeone has offered me his or her seat on the bus. The latest episode was a young woman who reached through a crowd of other standing people to touch me on the arm and wave in a frantic pantomime that I could have her seat.

It actually startled me. I think I managed to smile and shake my head nobut I was truly offended. I wondered why in the world she had zeroed in on me out of that busload of adults. Was it merely the salt-and-pepper hair? Or do I really look that old and in need of help?

Over the years, I ve seen other people get offended when offered a seat. And these aren t always the gray-area cases like mebut ones who seem truly elderly and frail. It s as if they take the offer as a public accusation that they are worse off than others.

Of course, some people really do need and want to be seated, and the exchange is usually simple and polite. But what is the best etiquette in these cases to minimize any offensefor both those offering and those being offered seats?

GENTLE READERIt is for people like you to stop feeling so ashamed of growing older that you are insulted at being treated courteously.

Granted, you, at least, are not rude to those who defer to you. Many people are, as you have seen. But you share their feeling that there is something embarrassing about aging, and that any recognition of it can only be motivated by pity.

Actually, precedence based on age is the fairest system. With any luck, everyone gets a turn. It is especially valuable now that work places try to disguise the fact that their precedence system is based on rank, and the social precedence system known as ladies first is passing out of use.

Why have a precedence system at all (you may ask)? Because the absence of an accepted one results in the me-first system of shovingas you may have noticed.

Your objection to age precedence is that it interferes with your illusion that you are passing for younger than you are. Good for you that you keep fit. But your record at the gym does not negate your obviously being a generation older than the polite young lady. It is doubtful that she had analyzed your hair and figure to calculate exactly how much older.

In due course, she will be in the older generation herself. Miss Manners only hopes that by that time, the concept of respect for the elderly will not have been killed off by misplaced vanity.

DEAR MISS MANNERSThis is to the 60-year-old geezer who can't handle an ounce of respect when someone offered him a seat on the bus. I get the impression he wouldn't dare do the same.

When I was very obviously pregnant, not a single soul offered me a seat on the streetcar! Parents let their children occupy a seat as I struggled to hold on while standing. I had to ASK for a seat.

Later, entering doorways was sometimes a hassle with a stroller, and people passing ahead of me left me to struggle with the door... especially those with kids. Now THAT was rude!

I was raised to respect my elders and give up my seat to someone much older than I, or to someone who appeared to need to sit. Bad knees and backs do not always physically appear. Maybe a person is miserable standing. Respect has gone out the window more and more with each new generation. That gentleman needs to grab whatever signs of respect are offered to him, or else he's going to be changing his own diapers someday.

GENTLE READERAlthough Miss Manners agrees with your point, she would appreciate it if you would please declare your respect for your elders without using the term geezer and referring to diapers.