Judith Martin - Minding Miss Manners: In an Era of Fake Etiquette

Minding Miss Manners copyright 2020 by Judith Martin. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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I ntroduction

W e are a freedom-loving people. Even the terminally ladylike Miss Manners is fond of having her own way, as you may have noticed. And now we have achieved the etiquette-free society of our dreams.

Well, of your dreams; not hers.

Its right there on the Internet, where you can almost always get away with saying anything, no matter the consequences to other people. And it is creeping into real life. You must have observed a certain lack of civility in the society.

This is not entirely new. It is some decades since the enlightened child-rearing technique, or lack of one, has consisted of Just be yourself, and dont care what other people think. The intention may be to say, Stand up for what you know is right, even in the face of disapproval. But it comes across as Do what suits you and never mind how it affects anyone else.

A philosophically inclined child may wonder exactly how self is defined, let alone discovered. A sly one might consider this an endorsement of selfishness. And none of them falls for the idea of being indifferent to being liked by other children. Not one.

Nevertheless, here we are, with a society largely populated by people who are just being themselves, unfiltered by the extra-legal system of voluntary restraint to avoid antagonizing others unnecessarily: a system known as etiquette.

So why isnt everyone happy? Why is this not a haven of goodwill? After all, you are:

Free to tell off people whom you dont like.

Free to shout insults at strangers in the street.

Free to air socially disapproved opinions.

Free to use socially disapproved words.

Free to pressure people to give you money.

And we patriotic Americans should defend your legal right to do so. But must you?

You see, there is a catch. It is that those objectionable other people are equally free to make life miserable for you and anyone else. A new era of freedom to be loutish, pushy, vicious, and hateful is upon us.

So why isnt everyone happy?

That an etiquette-free society would be a joyous, or even livable, one must be the biggest social hoax since it was declared that Americas basic problem was sexual puritanism, and if all were freely acting on their desires, everyone would be happy, and there would be no more sex crimes. We are now forced to see how that has played out.

Rather, you should think of the necessity to refrain from antagonizing others as a sort of Civility Tax. No one likes to pay taxes, but reasonable people know that they must in order to support the common good. Its called civilization.

Are you willing to trade:

Not using foul language for not having your children use it about you?

Committing to answering invitations and appearing or not appearing as promised for knowing how many people will attend your events?

Not telling people how stupid their opinions are for not hearing how stupid they think yours are?

Thinking before you tweet for not having to apologize afterward?

Waiting your turn for not having people push ahead of you?

Not insulting other peoples heritages for their not insulting yours?

Not begging from others for not having them always dunning you?

Dear Miss Manners Why are we always looking for polite ways to address someone elses impoliteness? Why must we feel guilty about offending the offender? Why do we walk on eggshells and agonize over how to approach a person who is completely out of line in how they may have treated, talked to, or behaved in any given situation?

After all, it is not my fault that the person has behaved like a total ass.

Gentle Reader And you admire that person so much that you want to act the same way?

Miss Manners will attempt to make politeness more palatable by offering a few exemptions. She is not going to let you off from sending letters of thanks, answering invitations, and refraining from telling people your honestly demeaning opinion of them. Butyou dont have to:

Hug your colleagues.

Help cater your friends dinner parties.

Allow your guests to dictate the menu.

Answer nosy questions.

Subsidize luxuries for the solvent.

Buy presents for your boss.

Stay on the telephone with telemarketers.

Continue to give presents to people who dont acknowledge them.

Have a ring to be engaged.

Give or attend multiple bridal or baby showers.

Give a series of presents to the same couple who are having a series of parties.

Go into debt for a lavish wedding.

Throw a party for someone who asked you to do so.

Buy things you dont want because your friends or their children are selling them.

Respond to everyones inane or vainglorious postings.

Put teaspoons on the table unless you are serving tea.

One

Sources of Misinformation

W hen Miss Manners assumed the quixotic task of civilizing society, fake etiquette was not a problem. That was because etiquette itself was not supposed to be a part of modern society. The prevailing thought was that we would all love one another, which would be achieved by hugging everything in sight, consenting or not, and voicing everything, presentable or not, that might be on our little minds and souls.

This was not working. So she put forth a radically different system by which we would all restrain ourselves just enough to keep life from being unpleasant.

No one could have been more surprised than Miss Manners when people started listening. Not necessarily behaving better, mind you, but at least listening. And soon etiquette and its public manifestation, civility, became part of the national conversation. Politicians won elections by calling for it, although not by practicing it, because that was considered a sign of weakness.

Miss Manners began to sniff success. Prematurely, as it turned out. Legitimate etiquette rules were still being neglected while people were actually obeying false rules. What had happened was that persistent forms of rude behaviorsuch as trying to squeeze money out of ones social circlewere fraudulently passed off as traditions and enshrined as expected. (Well, you can expect anything.) Industries cashed in by claiming that etiquette requires expenditures that are apt to be both useless and vulgar. Some taught bad manners, making it a requirement to shout Hey! to get a devices attention, and to give it orders without the softening addition of please and thank you.

Who is responsible for purveying this fake etiquette? (Not Miss Manners.)

From a Jolly Source

Santa Claus has a lot to answer for. If it was oh-so-cute to encourage little children to tell him their material wishes within the hearing of their parents, it is not so cute that solvent adults have now eliminated him as the middleman and beg from everyone they can reach.