Frank J. Fleming - How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome

H OW TO F IX E VERYTHING IN A MERICA F OREVER

The Plan to Keep America Awesome

Frank J. Fleming

In memory of my dad. He made sure my childhood was awesome.

Contents

Saving America

A New Constitution

The Economy

Foreign Relations

Reducing Government

Our Children

War

The Media

Homeland Security

The Environment

The Most Dangerous Hippie

Saving America

I remember my childhood days, spent running through the fields of the Midwest, hammer in hand as I chased badgers. It was a simpler time but also a time of conflict and challenges. Most of all, it was a time of hope and wonder. The 1980s. I cant tell you exactly what state I lived in, because back then the Midwest hadnt yet been organized and was simply a loose confederation of people who liked guns and the Bible.

Badgers relentlessly irked my family, and in those days we faced our problems head-on, so I constantly pursued them with my trusty hammer. But one day, while chasing a particularly wily badger, I stumbled and ended up rolling down a hill. As I got up and dusted myself off, I saw an old man sitting on a log. He asked me, Why were you chasing that badger?

Badgers are a nuisance, sir, I replied, and I mean to crush its skull with this here hammer.

And why not use a shotgun?

We need to save our ammo in case the Commies invade, Red Dawn style, I told the man. You do know about the Soviets, dont you, sir?

Indeed I do, the man said with a twinkle in his eye. And why do we need to defend this land from badgers and the Soviets?

That made me think. Because its a really good country with freedom, opportunity, and Atari. The godless Commies would ruin all that. And so would the godless badgers if there were a lot of them.

And do you think well triumph over the Soviets?

Of course we will, I answered immediately.

Why? Theyre large and have nuclear weapons.

Yes, they do, sir, but were the United States of Americathe greatest country ever. However powerful the Commies are, well be more so.

Why?

Because we have to be. Thats what we do in this country.

But what happens when the Soviets are no more?

I thought some more. I guess well be safe and can relax then... depending on how many badgers are still running around.

No, for then we will face our greatest threat of all.

Greater than the Commies? I asked with disbelief. Greater than the Nazis? Greater than some sort of mutant badger with the strength of five badgers?

Yes, greater than all of those combined. Our greatest threat will be complacency. Great threats force us to grow to overcome them, but when the Soviets are gone and all we have left are minor threats like badgers and Muslim terroriststhings that are dangerous but are not real threats to our nationwe risk becoming complacent, having no great worldwide enemy to overcome. And that could lead to our downfall.

It was a scary thought. Well, maybe when we defeat the Commies, space aliens will attack.

Perhaps, but we cant count on that. Thats why its up to every American to push himself every day to be betternot just to overcome our external enemies but to also overcome the threat of complacency where a great nation begins to fade, crushed under the weight of millions of minor problems with no larger danger to focus on. Then we become small, whiny, and useless. Do you know what you call a man who is small, whiny, and useless?

I had heard of such people. Well, thats not a man at all that you describe. Thats a hippie.

The man nodded. And do you know how you deal with such people?

Well, my pa says you cant reason with them. Only thing you can do is punch them in the face and yell, Shut up, hippie!

Your dad is a wise man. But never take the threat of hippies lightly. If left to themselves, they could destroy everything. In fact, there is a hippie out there more dangerous than any other. If you are to ever succeed, you must find him and punch him hardest of all.

It was hard to imagine a hippie so dangerous. They were mainly just annoying and smelly. Who is this hippie?

That I cannot tell you. You must find him yourself. I can see youre confused, but one day you will understand. Now go find that badger you were chasing and crush its skull, but dont stop there. Continue onward, always striving and fighting for this country. No matter what, you have to be boldto take the path others are afraid to walk. Not only to defeat our enemies, but because that is what this nation and its people deserve. Only if you always dedicate yourself to Americas greatness and exceptionalism can we be a shining city on a hill that will inspire all of those who behold our country. I tell you, young man, the fate of our country is in your hands.

I nodded and once again went after that badger, the old mans warnings about complacency and hippies echoing in my mind. And who was that mysterious old man? Ronald Reagan. Or at least a crazy person claiming to be Ronald Reagan (at any time did Reagan have a beard?). Whoever he was, he had a point. While I didnt understand what he meant about the most dangerous hippie, he seemed to speak a great truth about the threat of complacency when America was no longer challenged. And he said the fate of the country was in my hands, which was quite a weighty thought. I mean, I was just one kid. Sure, even at that young an age, I was pretty sure I was the smartest human being that ever lived, but America loomed much larger than me. How could I be responsible for it?

It wasnt long after that until Rocky Balboa knocked out Ivan Drago, leading to the collapse of the Soviet Union. The body of Lenin was thrown into a volcano to once and for all destroy its Communist evil, and America began to think it was safe. I knew better, though, as the warning of crazy, homeless Reagan still echoed in my mind. I could see the complacency beginning. America has striven against such imposing threats as the British, the Nazis, and potential nuclear annihilation. But after the Soviet Union ended, nothing was left to even pretend to oppose us. So we started to become lazy. We no longer felt like we had to work each day to make America more awesome. Ever so slowly, the end of America was creeping up on us.

But not while I had a say in it.

I had to save our country. So I dedicated myself to becoming the best American I could be. I traveled the world, learning from many great cultures, studying under various martial arts masters, and hiking the wildernesses of distant lands. It was a huge waste of time. Looking back on it, Im not really sure what I thought I was going to get out of all of that.

So afterward, I stuck to exploring the greatest land in the world: the United States of America. I traveled to every corner of our country (except Hawaii and Alaska, since theyre kind of out of the way) and sampled McDonalds cuisine from many different American cities. I wanted to absorb all I could of America to best understand its greatness so I could come up with plans to preserve it. But even as I studied, things got worse. America was becoming directionless with no greater threat than a bunch of cavemen with Russian surplus weapons. People were no longer fighting each day to be awesome but were waiting for others or the government to lift them up. And hippies were now lauded as great men, put on TV so all could hear them. And if you tried to punch them and tell them to shut up, youd be charged with assault instead of being given a ticker tape parade. Also, hardly anyone had ticker tape anymore.