Artemisia - Sex and the Single Aspie

SEX AND THE

SINGLE ASPIE

ARTEMISIA

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

I am a modern feminist, one who embraces sexuality. I have no quarrel with the biological differences between man and woman. What I do have a problem with are manmade constructs designed to keep both genders in gilded cages that cause mental injury.

Although this is a book about a woman seeking to have and understand heterosexual relationships, I am a great fan of women. When we band together and support each other, great things can happen. Men realize there is no keeping the status quo of dominance (and sometimes bullying) when this happens. It is when we sabotage each others efforts that we weaken ourselves as individuals and as a whole. We often do that in competition, to be seen as cool and desirable, to keep the peace, to assuage fragile egos. But it is the women who wont be bullied or dominated, who dont cry over men, that get the most out of life and love.

This book will be controversial. Most books about the autism spectrum are about children. We are only children for a few years. We are adults for the rest of our lives. Girls who are too young should not read this book. I would recommend over 21, depending on maturity level. Sex on the autism spectrum has always been a secret, taboo subject, as if we are not capable of having healthy sexual appetites. Rather, the topic comes up in terms of aberration, masturbation or, at best, how to have a healthy traditional relationship. But people on the spectrum have as varied a sexual life as anyone. And women talking about sexuality has always been seen as something of a threat. I have a whole chapter devoted to penises. Why not? Penises are important. No one ever speaks about them in polite society, yet, when I went to a museum recently, I counted 42 of them on the ground floor alone, carved in marble on display for all to see. I do not care about polite when I write. I care about truth . Only through honesty and truth do we evolve as a person, couple, or species, in a healthy direction.

We expect our writers and leaders to have it all. By sharing my own fictionalized personal journeys and pitfalls, I shatter that illusion at my own expense. No one has it all. It is a myth. Despite achievements, I too am on the spectrum and, like you (or someone you know), my challenges never really leave me. They merely morph into more sophisticated ones. Please be as patient with me as I would be with you. I will openly talk about my experiences in this book. I have tried to protect everyones identity as best I canplaces, names and circumstances have been changed.

Please also try not to be judgmental. This is not, by any means, a how-to book . In fact, it is much more like a how not to. In my almost eternal naivete, I put myself at great risk writing this book. While some of us have good instincts, we may not act on them. Others do not have good instincts, but either way, there is no such thing as infallibility. Bad things can and do happen to women in and out of sexually charged situations. Please dear reader, dear sister on the spectrum, bear this in mind while reading. As one woman said, We are not all as strong as you, Artemisia. Nor are very many as reckless as I can be in the pursuit of knowledge. And I suppose luck, or whatever you want to call it, was on my side. I want you to remember this if you feel at any point like Im saying, Be like me.

While Im pro-sex, pro-self-actualization and whatever that means to you (as I will state later more than once), having a loving relationship with yourself is paramount. Only then do you find true joy and, once found, you will need less affirmation from others.

My gay friends: I have no idea what its like to be a single lesbian anywhere so please understand, I cannot write that book for you. Most of us are a bit sexually flexible and have had same sex experiences, but that does not make us lesbian, any more than being shy makes someone an Aspie. The same goes for those of you who are not interested in sex, or those whose tastes and appetites are not explicitly covered in this book. This is not a clinical encyclopedia, but an epic adventure covering a lot of territory, much of it in the soul and mind as much as the body. I think it is the thoughts and emotions that will make it universal.

Love, and the seeking of it, has built and destroyed entire empires and individual souls; it is the engine that drives creation. It is the cause of all our saddest songs and most tragic tales, and our moments of greatest bliss. Without it we wither and die, internally if not literally, and to avoid this we will overturn any obstacle in our way to acquire and achieve it. We lose our cool, our dignity and sometimes all our worldly possessions and minds over this thing called Love and its twin sister, Sex.

SAFETY NOTES

Always listen to your gut instinctif someone makes you feel uncomfortable or threatened, or even if you feel like theres something not quite right about them, avoid being alone with them. If you dont trust your own instincts, ask a trusted friend to help you evaluate.

If youre meeting a new person, always let a friend know when and where youll be goingif possible, try to give them the exact location and the name of the person youll be meeting. There are lots of free apps you can download on your phone if you want to allow your friends to see your whereabouts on these outings, or if you want to be able to send an alert to local authorities quickly and discreetly. Popular choices include Circle of 6, bSafe and Watch Over Me.

If youre unsure whether a situation is sexually-charged or platonic, dont be afraid to ask the other person. Communication is important, and as long as youre respectful you have nothing to worry about. Dont assume or guess the other persons feelings.

Practicing safe sex ensures that you and your partner are protected against STDs when you have sex. Vaginal, oral and anal sex can all spread STDs, as all sexual fluids (semen, pre-ejaculation and vaginal fluids) can carry infections. Its important to get tested for STDs regularly. People who have any kind of sex should be tested for certain common STDs about once a year. Until you are in a mutually-committed relationship, and have both been tested, always use contraception such as condoms.

Avoid drinking too much alcohol or taking other drugs on dates, as this blurs your judgment of situations. It also makes it harder to remember safe sex basics.

You should trust and communicate with your partneryou should feel comfortable talking to them about safe sex. If your partner refuses to use protection or get tested, this is a sign that the partnership is not healthy.

Both partners need to consent to a sexual relationship, and both have the ability to withdraw consent and say no at any point.

Respecting your partner and potential partners is key, and you should both communicate your boundaries.

There are no concrete rules to dating/relationships that all neurotypical people are following. The most important thing is that you feel happy, safe and respected.

CHAPTER 1

A TALE OF TWO CITIES

She sat on a bed in a shitty little flat in Greece. This was not the Kallithea she saw images of on Google. This was a neighborhood in Athens, away from the tourists, the city center and the Acropolis. Nowhere near the sea.

She had only come for five days; to get away from him, to give him time with his son. So he could sleep with other women, as he chronically seemed to need to.

The rain poured down hard outside, on her balcony overlooking nothing. She went for a walk, ate souvlaki and donuts, things that could hurt her. She didnt care. They were delicious.